Ducky's Purpose

Book of John

2011-10-02T21:03:00.003-05:00

Not a blog post...I have no paper inside.

organization pattern is different
most debated about author for if it was John the Disciple or just the one behind the text (perhaps Lazurus)
Did he write it alone? probably not being around 80s to 90s in years, so he would have had some help from his disciples (John 21:24) hence the royal we. "I don't think any one would fault an 80 to 90 year old man getting help."
Writing from Ephesus...most likely. mainly to a jewish/Christian community.
Why? John 20:31 - so that those would believe that Jesus is the Son of God through believing one would have life in his name
Structure of John - Prologue and Epilogue...Book of Signs. Book of Glory (last week of his life)
Note all that is in the Book of Signs. (have more meaning than the parables)
Differences between Synoptic and John -- John doesn't tell about temptations, there are no parables, no exorcisms recorded, Lord's Supper not mentioned. John has many mentions of the hour of His coming and highlights Him being the passover lamb. Gives us story of Lazurus. Continuly mentioned his going back and forth to Judea. -- the organization with in the chapters is different - timing different, gives 3yr ministry - uncertain in others.
Incarnational Approach to Christology - That God was in Christ, that word became flesh

Marriage Post

2010-08-26T23:07:00.002-05:00

Right now on Facebook there is a post being put up titled marriage. Kinda scary how much it relates to the life of my sister. The people who are sharing it so far are the typical SAHM mom types who generally don't think for themselves. I'm sure it will be shared by more as well. Things like this scare me from marriage for myself and others. If I heard from someone that they were getting a divorce and there wasn't another person involved, then I really would be shocked. I would have to be convinced. We stop really loving because we've given our love to another. Shoot, God even said you can't love two masters. NOT THAT ANYONE IN A MARRIAGE HAS A RIGHT TO BE A MASTER! When time and thoughts are more focused on someone other than the one the ring was given to, then there is a problem. It even happens in friendships as well. The only difference is that vows aren't said between friends. God intends us to have silver and gold friendships, but those don't even compare to what God wants in marriage. It takes way too much forgiveness and trust to do....those of you who pull it off...congrats for you for every hour that you do it. My granny pitt did it for 51 years even when it was hard...if only we could use that wisdom more in our relationship.
What really got to me was towards the end of the story. The anger that the "james" character has towards the adulterer. James is in the beginning and fun stages...not the tough ones. Probably a friend is trying to show that, but James blocks out the truth in hopes of the love.
Again..no one can love two masters.

Now just how does the James and the one asking for the divorce grasp this point beyond their being so twitterpatted that another marriage will be ruined?

Quote and Gender

2010-08-17T21:42:00.002-05:00

"you can be yourself and not worry about being bad when typing with me, we both know each other enough to ask questions and not be timid"

As the school year is getting to start at so many places, I always get excited. I have so many fond memories of elementary, junior high (yeah, weird), high school, and college. It was in 3rd grade that I can recall learning it was ok to be myself. It was that year that I learned so that questions and curiosity are not negative things even if they require more time of others. I also learned that even though we are often of different backgrounds, we have much to offer to the group as a whole. To this day, I know people who have not learned these wonderful things. But sadly I do need the reminders.
In 5th grade, I was pulled over to the nurse when I got to go through puberty. I felt like I was in trouble because I has so many zits that I was confronted about it. This experience took away my personality in class for almost two weeks. Then Miss Helms made me stay afterschool to talk to me. She told me to go back to being myself. She wanted to know why I wasn't. She hugged me and told me I wasn't bad. As a preteen, this made much more of an impact than my mom and dad telling me I could still be me.
In 7th grade, we were split even more into differences. Band combined us. We were always encouraged to ask questions. In 8th grade, we were almost referred to as family. I recall Mr.Tignor saying before Regionals that it would worse if we didn't ask a question about the piece than to sit and mess up everyone. Again, we know each other well enough to say whatever.
At NMHS, I had a marvelous teacher who got pen pals for us. We were pen pals with some 3rd grade kids in the area and some delinquent kids in a Northern state. Mrs.Muhl emphasized about asking about them and writing back with interest. We never knew them really well, but she wanted us to learn the value in others.
In Bentonville, we started this clique when we were juniors. We were the COBRAS and I have hardly any memory of what it meant still. It wasn't really meant to be a clique that was exclusive, but we quickly learned that it did make some feel like outsiders. If people don't feel close enough to ask questions then that is bad and not showing Christ. Being a COBRAS was comforting because it was ok to be bad and be loved. The challenge was learning how to not have that closeness be exclusive.
Then, I went to Cottey. I think those that get what Cottey is really about can say this statement to anyone. You learn in class to ask questions. You learn to ask for help from classmates, hall mates, and suitemates. You learn that being bad can be bonding. You learn that being good can last forever. You learn to not be timid because it doesn't matter what you wear, what you look like, how intelligent you are, or how social you are. Lines get to be crossed because of learning people will learn to love the bold you.
Since that time I tend to be very comfortable being me around women. I trust it. I believe it. However now, I struggle with it. A lot of it has to do with my sister at this moment. Questions can't be asked. I don't feel like I know her well enough or that she knows me well enough to know the love is still there even with the questions. Getting past this is and will be tough. Now, I also know that it has some effect on my other relationships...I have started to pray that it stops soon.
Today the quote was from a boy. A boy would said it to me on a day that I got some stressful news and then felt attacked from a friend. All that is confirmed now is God has some really confusing timing for when to remind me to be me.

Slow Fade - Casting Crowns

2010-05-09T20:37:00.000-05:00

So I've been thinking this song for about two months now. When I first heard it over a year ago, I was impressed at how correct it is. This song should be in every American Christian church and every lukewarm Christian listen to it and BELIEVE it. Then it became even more real as the actual Casting Crowns video pictures to this song started to resonate in the lives of people I love. Trying to have faith that God will be victorious is tough because of the freewill He allows us that we have to allow others. Nightly, I am praying and wondering how far some of the people I love will fade away. I am terrified of what that second glance does in me...I know I fade away with my language many days. We need God to protect our eyes, ears, and mouths and not be mesmerized by the twinkle of sin. Honoring promises, vows, commandments, and offering worship is what has to get us to this point of not fading. Yet, then we have to trust God to talk and listen to us when we pray.

July 4th, 2009

2009-08-29T14:51:00.002-05:00

While i haven't actually written this out, i've written in my head many times to help me organize my thoughts, emotions, and intellect about this day. After having dinner last night with my cousins, i have come to realize some of the value in the sharing. For most of the years of being down here, my role has been as a peace maker, strong one, and go between. I basically said that was no long who I had to be when it came to family after g-ma's passing. Perhaps I was wrong to take myself out of that role, but it seemed like best or honestly the most comfortable decision to make. I tend to expect people to take on the responsibilities of their title and place. I was ready to see that again in my cousins.
All year long, I looked ahead and knew that July 4th was falling on a Saturday this year. I was thankful for that because it would allow some cushion time. I decided that I would prepare for the day by not working on the 3rd. Then, I find out the Coopertive Baptist Fellowship Conference will be in Houston. What better way to focus on the goodness of grandma and not the sadness than to be praising God and talking about missions! I was so ready and thankful that God was making this timing be right. I figured out how to take care of Bob and went to the convention.
My patriotic decorations were up. Things had been ordered for parade throws. I had looked through the pictures and been singing the songs, so I was going to be ready for Saturday. Thursday night and Friday at the convention, the time with God was better than amazing. I just wanted to be able to share part of it with people. I felt God's love and presence. No one would have convinced me that I didn't have a 40ft Wall of God's strength to protect me.
Then came Saturday morning...
The day was susposed to be fun with parades, a cook out, and fireworks. Instead, the day swirled in my head and heart with emotions of sadness, confusion, and lonliness. Sadness to not have Gma for her birthday. Confusion for not being with Uncle Stanley for his birthday. Lonliness for not celebrating this birthday day with family...the way it is meant to be. How does one celebrate July 4th without singing Yankee Doodle Dandy and knowing and loving who that song is about? When this comes about next year will it be about celebrating Independence Day or will it be about July 4th to celebrate family birthdays? I don't know when or if ever I've cried and had that large of a headache and had it not be for selfish reasons.
Then last night after dinner with my cousins. I finally get to hear how Pamela is doing in her own words. My tough, Army Vet cousin is admitting to facing the struggle often when she passes places or hears songs. Now we must move on, but I pray that we can learn how to do this together and she allows more moments of vulnerability like last night.

Different This Time?

2009-04-23T09:40:00.003-05:00

death and health issues where I battle the most at being a good friend. i've really been just trying to give this one to God but sadly His timing sucks alot with this. I honestly can't think of but one breast cancer survivor in my life. I can quicly name four who didn't get to beat it. So here we are again praying for a miracle but the faith is now less than a mustard seed size.
************************************************************************

Please Donate To A Good Cause - Team Denise!

April 20th, 2009

(The following is an email which I sent out today. I am Scared To Death and So Mad about what has been done to me. This is a disease that is “Easily” managed if taken care of in time, but now, because I was mistreated for 9+ months, I am now fighting for my life.)

April 20 2009

My name is Denise. I live in Spring, Texas – about 25 miles north of Houston. I’m 49 years old, single, no children. Three dogs, one cat. I rent my home, I own my truck. I have no partner, no financial assistance… I’m a temp office worker, an Admin, aka secretary, in Houston, Texas; I work Monday – Friday, 8:30 – 5:30. I’m one of the “worker bees”. I pretty much live paycheck-to-paycheck. Like so many others…

I have Family and Friends who I am Blessed to have in my life. I am truly fortunate to have the love, friendship and support of my Family and very good Friends. I have no health insurance.

I’ve been diagnosed with Infiltrating Ductile Carcinoma. An Invasive Breast Cancer. It was mistreated for over a year as a “staph infection”, which allowed the cancer to grow and spread throughout my body – to metastasize. I currently have been diagnosed with metastatic bone cancer and am awaiting the results for metastatic liver cancer. I will be undergoing a head/brain scan to evaluate the possibility of metastatic brain cancer. I am waiting for my official “staging” diagnosis, but am a probable Stage 4 Metastatic Breast Cancer.

My medical outlook is not good. I am trying to maintain a positive mental and emotional outlook, but sometimes it’s difficult.

I’m sending out this email, asking for help. I know things are tough for many people out there, but I’m hoping there will be some who find it in their heart to help me. I Want To Live. I’m keeping a Blog to detail this journey I am on, please “meet” me there - http://teamdenise.org/.

I am documenting the appointments and events which I am going though. I have medical reports, images and information which I am downloading daily. I am keeping an online budget of my expenses. I am keeping an online list of my Doctors and all info regarding my situation, diagnoses and treatments. If you don’t see something that legitimately concerns my situation, check back in a day - I may just not have gotten it online yet. Or you can email me - any questions can be directed to me at denise@teamdenise.org, I will reply as soon as possible.

Please read more about me and my situation here: http://teamdenise.org/about/

Please Help Me Survive. Please consider donating directly to my cause, there’s a “Donate” button located on my front page (http://teamdenise.org/)

Please donate a dollar… heck, if you feel like it, donate a few dollars!

Whether you are able to donate or not, I would appreciate if you could find it in your heart to forward this request on. Hopefully others will be able to spare a few dollars for my cause. Others who might have been affected by this horrible disease - who may have lost someone, who may have fought for someone, who may have survived themselves. Others who are able to help me.

I Want To Live, I Want To Survive, But I Can’t Afford To Do It Alone. So I am reaching out…

Whatever You Do, Please Also Keep Me In Your Prayers.

With Hope and Faith,

denise
denise@teamdenise.org

I didn't cheat!

2009-03-19T00:01:00.000-05:00

You Are A: Duck!

Found in many lakes and ponds, ducks are a common site the world over. Known for their famous quack, ducks tend to congregate in flocks or go off on their own in pairs. As a duck, you may seem friendly at times but will not hesitate to bite if someone is bothering you. Your ability to swim and preference for being in crowds are some reasons why you are a duck.

You were almost a: Puppy or a Lamb
You are least like a: Chipmunk or a Mouse Cute Animals Quiz

Now Open/Closing

2009-03-15T23:32:00.002-05:00

(yeah I know overload for posts but my mind has really been spinning lately)

Every Sunday when I drive onto the island, I notice the places that have "NOW OPEN" signs. I also pay attention to the ones that say "for sale" but they don't make me as excited. Today, I was thinking about how more places have their "open" signs, but with that I'm wondering if we are really seeing more of a closed feeling again on the island. As everyone's trash is no longer on the street, doors and fences replaced, wiring for electronics in place, and island activites less promoted, are we being less open and loving to our neighbors? I felt guilty of it when I didn't even say hello to the other person getting gas at the gas station today. Such a simple gesture but I was too wrapped up in myself to be able to say hello. This is NOT what I want for myself or the island.
Yet, in the comfort of my church, I was excited with the hope, love, and care that is there this week. It didn't bother me one time to have to climb around to try to work at my desk. I enjoyed knowing these people had come to help make a difference for Christ on the island through so many different ways. Seeing how much had already been done was such an encouragement. It makes me want to be a better servant of God. Why must it take a mission group to remind me or the additude to have? Those women who were sleeping in my office were tired but very willing to do more and adapt. I love that spirit! I need to help to instill that spirit into others. Now to pray to figure out how.

Breast Cancer SUCKS

2009-03-15T01:06:00.002-05:00

I've had three people very special to me that have had to suffer with breast cancer. My friend, Denise, is currently dealing with it. Her doctor want's to cut away part of what identifies her as a beautiful woman. IT sucks! I've been think of her and Martha every day. Tuesday I had to sit in the shower because I was thinking about the loss of Martha so much. God allows women to suffer with this and then still lets them die. GRRRRRRRR.
Maybe we shouldn't examine ourselves because really knowing you have it doesn't really help to survive.

Why I need to be on The Biggest Loser.

2009-03-15T00:46:00.002-05:00

Last Saturday, I went and stood in this long line for a crazy amount of time, just to audition for The Biggest Loser. Such an odd thing to be at a point in life to admit. When I found out that they were going to interview in Houston, I began to plan then to go. I had to figure out if I could do it and this VBS training, but since we aren't doing the VBS materials now I could go. The process was long and probably pointless to be in line for all that time and not really see any results from it, but it did help me realize the reasons and what has helped me see that I needed to audition. Now, I should try to figure out how to also submit a recording, but that sound tricky.
Even though I have been fat for most of my life, I haven't had negative feeling about it my entire life. There are many times when I haven't even thought about it. Of course there are those rare exceptions as weell when i didn't participate because of my weight. Oddily, that wasn't at camp doing the ropes course. See, I believe the reason for that is I was so surrounded by love of others and God that I knew nothing that could hold me back. I need the biggest loser to be able to put that love and learning within myself.
Reasons:
1. The group setting with large people all learning about it would be good for me. I know my lack of balance isn't just a weight thing, but it is harder because I feel that is all others can see.
2. Food not being the central part of building community. I know I eat is social setting a whole lot more because it is fun. I can't change this on my own.
3. Doctors don't make much sense and don't seem to really care. This would all me to be with a doctor's care and medical guidance that make sense with my stupid meds.
4. If I don't have the choice, then I'm sure I can learn to live without it. I also can probably learn to cook. I need to learn that I am worth the time and effort that is involved with cooking.
5. There are so many questions and answers about diets and exercises. How wonderful it could be to have something created to fit my needs and likes. It would be great to be able to ask questions without laughter or embarrassment.
6. I would be forced to take care of myself because that is where all focus would be.

Perhaps, someday I'll be abe to figure out how to implement these tools in every day life.

Grace and Mercy

2009-02-18T00:11:00.003-06:00

CHORUS:
Grace keeps giving me things I don't deserve
Mercy keeps withholding things I do
Words that seldom fail me
Leave me looking for the words
To express my gratitude

This list keeps getting longer
More than I can count
I thought I could get close to more deserving
Unworthy on my best day
unworthy at my worst
To receive this blessing that You give me freely

CHORUS

You must have Your reason
You must have a plan
You must see some treasure here I'm missing
If I could see myself through Your eyes
It would be easier to breathe
And display Your loving-kindness
to the world around me
*******************************************
Wow, I need to be more like God. I'm really terrible at it lately. Offering grace and mercy has not been apart of me the past two days. Loving people at the core because that is how God intended. I don't always like the path taken, but perhaps they need to have their own ups and downs. I believed that God allows us to have our own. I just need to pray that I to can learn to love with grace and mercy to others when I want to retaliate.

In a List/Survey Mood

2009-01-15T20:15:00.002-06:00

I copied this from a friend's blog. The thing said to bold ones that applied.

1. Touched an iceberg
2. Slept under the stars (in and out of a tent)
3. Been a part of a hockey fight
4. Changed a baby's diaper
5. Watched a meteor shower (not really sure but think so)
6. Given more than you can afford to charity (grrrr…yes)
7. Swam with wild dolphins
8. Climbed a mountain (without singing the Sound of Music song)
9. Held a tarantula (but have petted one)
10. Said "I love you" and meant it
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris (does Paris, TX count?)
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Stayed up all night long and watched the sun rise (intentional and unintentional)
15. Seen the Northern lights
16. Gone to a huge sports game
17. Walked the stairs to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
19. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope (crazy but yes many times)
20. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment (more often than I should)
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Bet on a winning horse (does a winning dog count?)
23. Taken a sick day when you're not ill (in school…certainly)
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb?
26. Gone skinny dipping (well chunky dunking a few times)
27. Taken an ice cold shower
28. Had a meaningful conversation with a beggar (homeless yes, beggar if you count kids)
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Ridden a roller coaster
31. Hit a home run
32. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
33. Adopted an accent for fun (best fun in a card game)
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Felt very happy about your life, even for just a moment
36. Loved your job 90% of the time (thankfully has happened a few times in life)
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Watched wild whales
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Gone on a midnight walk on the beach (singing makes it best)
41. Gone sky diving
42. Visited Ireland
43. Survived a Hurricane (more than once, thank-you lord)
44. Visited India
45. Bench-pressed your own weight
46. Milked a cow
47. Alphabetized your personal files
48. Ever worn a superhero costume (yeah for childhood)
49. Sung karaoke
50. Lounged around in bed all day
51. Gone scuba diving
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud (we had a club in girl scouts)
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Done something you should regret, but don't
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business (little lemonade stands don’t count I bet)
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Been in a movie
60. Gone without food for 3 days
61. Made cookies from scratch
62. Won first prize in a costume contest (yeah for the rodeo)
63. Got flowers for no reason (love is always a reason)
64. Been in a combat zone (depends who you listen to)
65. Spoken more than one language fluently
66. Gotten into a fight while attempting to defend someone
67. Bounced a check (thank the banks for protection)
68. Read - and understood - your credit report
69. Recently bought and played with a favorite childhood toy (yeah for Joy’s new interest)
70. Found out something significant about your ancestors
71. Called or written your Congress person (yeah for the Girls State influence)
72. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over (not willingly but that is what God had me do)
73. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
74. Helped an animal give birth
75. Been fired or laid off from a job
76. Won money
77. Broken a bone (but come very close a few times)
78. Ridden a motorcycle (the things we do for boys…doofy)
79. Driven any land vehicle at a speed of greater than 100 mph (not on the motorcycle)
80. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
81. Slept through an entire flight: takeoff, flight, and landing
82. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
83. Eaten sushi
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read The Bible cover to cover (just Genesis to Revelations, not the index and maps)
86. Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about (oddily yes)
87. Gotten someone fired for their actions (I was the boss at the time)
88. Gone back to school (not yet but soon)
89. Changed your name (never officially)
90. Caught a fly in the air with your bare hands
91. Eaten fried green tomatoes
92. Read The Iliad (just parts of)
93. Taught yourself an art from scratch
94. Killed and prepared an animal for eating --NEVER!!!
95. Apologized to someone years after inflicting the hurt
96. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
97. Been elected to public office
98. Thought to yourself that you're living your dream
99. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
100. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you
101. Had a booth at a street fair
102. Dyed your hair
103. Been a DJ
104. Rocked a baby to sleep
105. Dropped a cat from a high place to see if it really lands on all four 106. Raked your carpet
107. Brought out the best in people
108. Brought out the worst in people
109. Worn a mood ring
110. Ridden a horse
111. Carved an animal from a piece of wood or bar of soap
112. Cooked a dish where four people asked for the recipe. (if ice cream counts)
113. Buried a child (just assisted a lot with it)
114. Gone to a Broadway play (musicals yet but not to NYC)
115. Been inside the pyramids
116. Shot a basketball into a basket
117. Danced at a disco
118. Played in a band (loved it in high school and even a semester at COM)
119. Shot a bird
120. Gone to an arboretum
121. Tutored someone
122. Ridden a train
123. Brought an old fad back into style
124. Eaten caviar
125. Let a salesman talk you into something you didn’t need -
126. Ridden a giraffe or elephant – as a child at the circus
127. Published a book
128. Pieced a quilt
129. Lived in a historic place (aren’t they all??)
130. Acted in a play or performed on a stage
131. Asked for a raise
132. Made a hole-in-one (only in mini-golf, Cottey proved I suck at golf)
133. Gone deep sea fishing
134. Gone roller skating (as a child I lived for this)
135. Ran a marathon
136. Learned to surf
137. Invented something
138. Flown first class
139. Spent the night in a 5-star luxury suite (an odd experience for a conservative spender)
140. Flown in a helicopter
141. Visited Africa
142. Sang a solo
143. Gone spelunking
144. Learned how to take a compliment
145. Written a love-story (HA)
146. Seen Michelangelo’s David (only in pictures)
147. Had your portrait painted
148. Written a fan letter
149. Spent the night in something haunted (if I believed in it, I did live in Rosemary Suite)
150. Owned a St. Bernard or Great Dane
151. Ran away
152. Learned to juggle (kinda thanks to Ms Anne)
153. Been a boss
154. Sat on a jury
155. Lied about your weight (but now it is worse and I say the truth)
156. Gone on a diet
157. Found an arrowhead or a gold nugget
158. Written a poem (yes and it was published twice)
159. Carried your lunch in a lunch box
160. Gotten food poisoning
161. Gone on a service, humanitarian or religious mission (depends how this is defined)
162. Hiked the Grand Canyon
163. Sat on a park bench and fed the ducks (usually don’t sit)
164. Gone to the opera (elementary school and to see Jessica)
165. Gotten a letter from someone famous (do emails count?)
166. Worn knickers (aren’t they just short pants?)
167. Ridden in a limousine
168. Attended the Olympics
169. Can hula or waltz
170. Read a half dozen Nancy Drew or Hardy Boys books
171. Been stuck in an elevator
172. Had a revelatory dream
173. Thought you might crash in an airplane
174. Had a song dedicated to you on the radio or at a concert
175. Saved someone’s life
176. Eaten raw whale
177. Know how to tat, smock or do needlepoint
178. Laughed till your side hurt
179. Straddled the equator
180. Taken a photograph of something other than people that is worth framing
181. Gone to a Shakespeare Festival
182. Sent a message in a bottle
183. Spent the night in a hotel
184. Been a cashier (wasn’t my official title, just part of the job)
185. Seen Old Faithful geyser
186. Joined a union
187. Donated blood or plasma
188. Built a camp fire
189. Kept a blog
190. Had hives
191. Worn custom made shoes (but they were my dad’s boots!)
192. Made a PowerPoint presentation
193. Taken a Hunter’s Safety Course
194. Served at a soup kitchen
195. Conquered the Rubik’s cube
196. Know CPR (need to be recertified)
197. Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced
198. Built your own PC from parts
199. Written your own role playing game
200. Been arrested – but stopped on prom night

Coming Out

2009-01-11T00:16:00.000-06:00

In an odd sort of way, I feel a little bit like someone who is coming out with telling people about what I’m getting to do now. While I’ve been prepared for this all my life and even told people about that preparation, I am truly being in the position that I fought so hard 15 years ago. Never would I have envisioned the path that my life had taken, but I look back now and see so many of the necessary steps. Sadly, I still don’t know the reasons for some turns, but peace is so real for where I am now.
I am the Children’s Minister at First Baptist Church Galveston. Yes, there is not fear in saying it anymore. I smile when I think about the opportunities and challenges that God will enable me to face. I do still fear so many people/friends not understanding or wanting to understand who I am because of this title now. My friend, Christina, has lived out so many of my thoughts and emotions in her blog the past few years. I do think God allowing me to match up with her again has been positive for my faith and ability in leadership. From her, I know that the love is going to have to come through stronger so people will see the Jesus in me and not all the religious crud that can sometimes seep through.
The acceptance of this ministry was not an easy one. I was asked if I would do it before Hurricane Ike. At that point, I just didn’t know that I had the faith for the confidence or the time. Then Ike’s destruction and Grandma’s death occurred. Somehow I went into an almost autopilot mode. Certainly, I expressed emotion during the next six weeks, but I don’t know what of it was real and what was exhaustion. Reaching out for friendship wasn’t really working for me. Hours upon hours were spent in bed wishing for rest or on the internet grasping for connection. When I realized that I was not functioning well, I requested time off. Based on experience of the last months, I knew that I needed to deal with some areas. I also knew that I couldn’t/wouldn’t do it on my own, so I wrote people from my past who I hoped would pray. I was so disappointed in others that I took every measure I could to protect myself with asking these women who I knew loved me to pray for certain aspects of my life on which needed focus. I went on a personal retreat. One of the biggest things I received from that retreat was God hugs through prayer, songs, scripture, and nature sightings. I hadn’t forgotten that God loves Janna, but I’d lost how He shares that love when his people fail. After the retreat, I can hear people talk about the way people love each other on the island. I can see at work people talking about helping each other. I still in WBS at UBC and my mind can’t focus because I’m thinking about the families on the island. I volunteer in with the baby class and smiled while doing it. It was then that I knew God wanted me to say yes to Pastor Ray to being the Children’s Minister at FBCG. Feeling love, knowing I still have children skills, and recognizing God hadn’t forgotten my acceptance of his call were all things I needed. Another blogger and minister has expressed this very well the past few years that I have been reading his blog, which I found by accident almost. The heart of his blog is about being real in life and ministry that it isn’t about religious mess.
Now, I am embarking upon this God given adventure. I was so excited to be apart of the staff meeting on Friday. Knowing the mission before us and being apart of what is once again a missional church is overly exciting for me. I adore First Baptist Galveston! Being apart of a church staff that wants to see the island know Jesus thrills me. This church is about figuring out how to help many while rebuilding ourselves! We may not be in our sanctuary which has no power. We may not have as many people or the curriculum for everyone yet, but these people are ready to worship and serve! We do have a store in the sanctuary and doctors helping with prescriptions. This is a church that is working to meet the real needs of the island. There may not be parks to play in and meet people, so we will find a new way. Many of our members may not be living in their homes right now, but they will find a way to still be apart of their church. God knows me so well to know that this is what He designed me to be able to do.
I pray that I don’t get timid in telling people who will not understand or will have judgments about this opportunity. As we have people come for the next 2 to 3 years to continue to clean up the island, I pray they see our loving and reaching church. When people talk to me about my church, I pray that I speak of the positives and not the things of struggle for many. As I build and rebuild relationships in Galveston, I pray that they will be true.

10 Things I Can't Control But Would Like To

2009-01-04T23:46:00.002-06:00

*or reasons I'm not blogging cause I don't trust it

(in no particular order)

10. The health that God gave me, but I can control the effects.
9. My immediate family and Godly cousin being overly far away and technology not always agreeing to work.
8. The constant changes in the weather making it difficult to plan.
7. My friend's financial situation.
6. The hatred spewed from people around me whether knowingly or no.
5. My automatic nature to be loving and meet needs but not having my hints for real help returned.
4. The salvation of some of those that are on my heart daily.
3. All of my family getting the help they need to heal from Grandma's and possibly other deaths.
2. My friends with children needing some time with their children away from them.
1. The maintenance people not doing their jobs of painting my ugly door and making my tub hold water.

Yep, I know what spiritual warfare is. Is this it or is it a lack of faith and trust? I'm not sure, but I need to figure out how to give it to God so that I can be the woman He created me to be.

Snow for about 9hrs

2008-12-17T23:30:00.004-06:00

We had snow all over Galveston County last week. It was just for a night. It was very fun for the spirits. For me it was also a nice reminder of how God takes care of needs when we don't know how to voice them. The lack of seasons here is tough for me, so having the moment of snow was helpful for knowing I'm staying in God's design.

The shortness of it was nice since I did need to drive around doing errands. As I was driving, I saw this wonderful road sign:

For a good portion of the time of driving Grandma Pitt, she would say something about those signs. "Don't have to watch for ice today." "Don't think there will be ice today." "That sign says to watch for ice on bridge. Too hot for that today." I just had to chuckle thinking about it while all the snow was melting and I was getting hot in the car. I just thought if her little mind would have known those bridges were actually dangerous a few hours before.

Sticks and Stones

2008-11-19T22:47:00.002-06:00

Fascist, Liberal, Girl, Racist, Christian, Idiot, Lesbian, Republican, Work Alcoholic, Fundamentalist, Nigger Lover, Feminist, Homophobe, Bitch, Lazy Ass

These are all labels that I have been given in the past three weeks. Tone with labels usually will let people know the intent of the label. All of these words were said in the negative. How sad it makes me to hear people say these things in a harsh way. No one deserves negative labels, yet we give them to people everyday. When I’m given the label from someone that I don’t know, I can let it pretty much roll off of me most of the time. Sadly, this isn’t true for the way things have been lately. It does hurt when these names are heard over and over in my head because I also hear the intent behind them. Even if I know some of them aren’t true, I want to fix that negative impression. Heck, I want to fix that negative impression for the ones that are true as well. Some of these labels I should be proud to wear, yet there is so much hatred that others see with them. What can we do to fix this?
Then I think about the list again and wonder how people get such different views of me. I don’t try to portray myself at either extreme of the names because I’m not at extremes in most cases. Do I not let people know the real me and my real values or is this someone else’s lack of understanding? I know that I’m generally private and a protector of others, but I do not want to not be real about who I am and what I believe. People who do know me should know which of these labels can actually be applied to me. I wish that people who didn’t know me would be able to find out. Political seasons have the chance of bringing out wonderful discussions or lots of hatred. I’ve seen and experienced more of the hatred this year…and my focus was for people to vote for roads not flooding because of Ike! I knew that the presidential election didn’t matter, for whoever wasn’t republican would win. Still I’m not interested in all of that mess this year (which still makes me sad that I’m not interested) for there is so many other things going on that matter.
Even with the labels, I still have to move on with life. It is like that Wemmicks' story. If I will focus on God daily, then the labels will not stick. I will be happier and more focused. God will keep me shiny despite the scuff marks of the labels.
So that is what this _________ person is doing.

Can a public Altar be this true?

2008-10-31T23:04:00.002-05:00

"Some are finding mercy
Forgiveness for their sins
Some are fighting battles
and they're struggling to win

That's what this altar is for
You don't have to carry those burdens any more
There's a light in the darkness
There's a love that's true
And Jesus is waiting
He is waiting here for you

An old man is standing there in tears
Giving up a part of him that he's held back for years
Hearts are being broken
Lives are being changed
Those who call upon the Lord they will never be the same"

Some songs have meaning at one point in my life, and now they take on a deeper and different meaning. I know that I need to find the altar. I need to not be afraid of the altar. I need to figure out what to hear and say at the altar. I need the faith that Jesus is waiting at the altar and will love me when I get there. I hope that I can make those steps soon before more information and scary changes enter my world.

Good Bye Gma Pitt

2008-09-18T23:36:00.003-05:00

This morning my grandma pitt died. God's timing sucks, yes I said it. This is the last picture she had taken of her. (yeah, I know she almost looks dead in it to me...it causes fear in my head too.) I took it because of the relief of breaking into the soda machine. I shared some of my Sunny D with her. I keep telling myself that she didn't really die alone...some day I may believe it.

I don't have time for services yet. Yeah, I know the dates, but I really could care less. Funerals suck. This is one of the hardest times to deal with people who are false. It urks me that people try to show they care now, but not during the last years. So yeah...lets bring on the good baptist face and freaking lie and try to deal with the crappiness of the next few days...especially without power!

Thanks to the huggles and ice cream from Mandi and Lori! Thanks to some of y'all for the messages and prayers.

Still Get Chills! FACE NORTH!

2008-09-10T13:43:00.002-05:00

1989 West Side Story pt 1

PART 1 - awww the drum majors

1989 - West Side Story pt 2

PART 2 -- trumpet solos are required

1989 - West Side Story pt 3

PART 3 - Overly hard to march to, written by percussion director.

1989 - West Side Story pt 4

PART 4 - No I didn't play while marching to America, SUPERB Sax solo, fun flags at end.

Oh Moms*

2008-09-10T12:21:00.002-05:00

*this is not about Sarcastic Sarah even if the rest of the nation is wanting to think her being a mom makes her unqualified.

I finally was a diligent daughter today and gave my mother the address of the nursing home Gma is at. Well, I actually left a message with my daddy. He tells me that my mother has cried a few times since hearing the news about IKE being compared to Carla. For a large part of my life, I grew up hearing the stories of how they had to get new furniture, pictures that were lost, and who they met while cleaning up from Carla. She forgets that they have done so much more to try to protect the area since then. Also, we will be safe if we leave. It is also just stuff. I wish my mother could grasp that she doesn't have to be fearful or sad about a hurricane coming. We go into circles like this alot...it would be so much better if mothers could worry about things worth worrying about.
Through these blogging things it has been interesting to read about people from my past Galveston life who are all SAHM. Even stranger to see people who I went to some level of education with who are SAHM. It is something that I don't understand the desire. My mom has worked throughout my life. The fact that she worked has not had a negative impact on my life. She has worked different shifts, but always tried to be involved. When I was in Kindergarten, she worked the 3-11shift. She would have lunch with me then take me to school. (it was 1/2 day back then) When she did home health, she went to those night event things and had great work stories to tell. When we first moved to AR, she had/got to work the 3-11 shift again. We had this legal pad where we would write notes back and forth to each other on the days we didn't see each other. She was doing what she loved doing, so it made her be a better mother. It makes NO sense to me to see educated women not do what they love and went to school to do. It urks me that women bash other women for having a job and a family OR not having a job and having a family. Mothers truly could be an amazing force of power, if y'all could just put the pettiness aside and see that each has different paths...and that is ok! I know I'm still working on loving those who have been cut off from the outside world because of such devotion to the husband and children. I truly do not believe that God designed us to not be connected and supportive of each other. However, I have finally learned that God did not enable be to be the one who could constantly reach out to those who have chosen another path.
What does it take to get moms and women to not have the same thoughts and values, but to be supportive for being who we are?

Wanna see Goofy Adults?

2008-09-01T07:02:00.002-05:00

This is so others can read about my boss/friend Jay and his adventure for Hurricane Hunting.
*****************************
Here is a link to our live cameras. Go to this website. If you see jpcarnes,we are on line. We will stream up to 3 cameras during the storm (as long as we have internet). Jay Carnes and Mike Millo

Also, check out our blogging on KHOU.com

http://video.uviewit.com/camsonline.aspx

Who said God doesn't make mistakes?

2008-08-29T00:56:00.002-05:00

*WARNING: language will not be censored and this is so I can get to sleep instead of focusing on the stress

Today, I got the confirmation/explanation from the doctor that I do have PCOS. It is overly true that they don't have any real medicines for this. I had to be in the doctor's office for 1hr and 45mins to hear about everything than can't be done. I was pissed at the waste of my time. As the doctor, who stupidly told me that he'd be up for 36hrs, tried to use his crappy english to go over the deatils, I just kept thinking he should hear me say I've researched it some and I don't freakin' care about the science of it. Hell, the appointment was with UTMB so who knows if he was an actual doctor as well. He has be sit on the stupid patient table and wants to touch my belly? WHAT THE FREAK? This is so uncomfortable mentally! There is way too much that they want to know that they should have just asked me to write the answers for. I'm 33, and I could care less to recall when I started wearing a bra. I'm sure it was a huge deal with I was a pre-teen, but really there is NO REASON for me to recall that. I only remember getting my period because it was the same day that we watched those stupid videos in class about "maturing." Of Course, the boys got to leave go to recess after seeing just one and we ladies had to endure a 2nd video and the discussion! UGH. yeah so I knew the answer to that one.
He also talks about the results. "You have a testosterone level that is higher than some men." Oh yeah, I'm so glad that I have ventured into the hell hole of going to the doctor. It truly is worse to have something confirmed that you already know. Now he did point to his head when talking as if to say that the testosterone level has nothing to do with being a female, but my heart, mind, and soul were already spinning and continue to. Ever since I was a little girl, I have questioned why God didn't make me a boy. Wearing dresses sucked unless you could play in them easily. The boys weren't told to cross their legs in Sunday School. Boys don't have periods! Boys can have sloppy handwriting. Boys sports are more important than girl sports. It continued into my teen years till today. I just don't get why God had to make me a female when my brain doesn't seem wired as such. Then today to hear it confirmed that God had a little mistake in creating me. He must have been part way done and the ducks were quacking about the river going to fast. Then he came back to his creating of me and forgot he was working to make a boy so through the rest of me together quickly. I am that.
I don't think like most females. In fact, it is so hard for me to interact with people at church because I have no interest in so much of the conversations. Weddings, Shopping, Cooking, Getting Married, Babies, Flowers, Jewelry -- all things that really don't appeal to who I am. Those are "girly" things,
God must have beed too rushed in mkaing me.
Thankfully, God gave me an Amazing Daddy. He has cried over the stress Jerrese and I have felt from the hair ordeal. He really loves us and never tried to lead us into a typical female direction.
(more later...I'm too sleepy and less mad to type)

A Day Off

2008-08-19T16:24:00.004-05:00

Monday I was off work and had planned on this journey to see the G-Kamps (they are the ones with the name that is too hard to spell). It was difficult to reach them again, but I finally headed up to Longview (don't spit!) at 9:00am. On my little journey, my driver side front tire went out. I was in a little town at the time. I tried to find a service station to pull over into, but not really easy to find. So I pull over into the parking lot of a grocery store with a gas pump. My tire needed much more than air! I knew the donut was going to have to go on it. After moving the trunk stuff to the back seat and getting ready to jack the car up, a couple of guys from the Brookshire Grocery Store came out to help me. That helped speed things along some in this wonderful Texas heat. It was a great southern moment! The directions to a shop didn't make sense so I headed on north knowing I could go the 45miles on the donut. Thankfully, I found a Discount Tire in Lufkin. I pulled in and was told it would be about an hour. (ended up being about 1 1/2hrs) Thankfully with cell phones, I was able to keep my destination family updated. After doing some greeting cards, reading, and having lunch. I moved to watch the process. There was this cute little boy sitting next to me. We talked some. His mother didn't bring anything to entertain him. (What the freak are parents thinking when they expect children to be calm for an hour in a waiting area? Bring crap for you kids to do. I bring stuff for me to do!) So here is a picture of playing with the little boy.

Mommy G-Kamp then calls with a sad phone call. The middle son has a stomach virus. Now this child is like me in that he gets almost everything around him that he to becomes sick. We played with the idea while my car was still getting finished. Then I drove around Lufkin for a moment. I didn't want to not go see the other boys too! However, we all made the smart adult decision. I turn around and headed back home. Thankfully, people were out at my sister's home. I called her and talked to her while my daddy and brother-in-law made crazy comments from the background. They had to keep making fun of all the Texas named towns I was going through. Then my MandI responded to my text. She said to come to her place. So I headed there. We went to get our toes done (cause they didn't get enough scuff off my feet bottoms). Then she drove over the bumpy roads for us to go to this dessert place. Now really the meal part at the dessert place was better than the dessert! I had a yummy chef salad wrap...with all the nasty stuff removed of course! She took me here so we could play games. The games were in a sad state. We played "Speed" and "Spades" even though it was soooooo Cold! Then back to her apartment to visit and take pics. Bob had to be included in the feet photo, so we let him even though his weren't done!

After the Bloodwork

2008-08-14T06:51:00.001-05:00

Medical life has been so full the last few weeks for me and for dealing with Gma’s health. This post will be about my health. I’ll do a gma update through email and maybe here later.
A few weeks ago, I was really sick. My defenses were down due to the stress of dealing with all the gma issues and working at a harder pace, so the germs around me clearly took hold. I still had my blood work done while I was sick. I was disappointed to find out that I couldn’t see the doctor at the same time. I called the following day to see if I could come in. They worked me in for early on Friday. During that appointment, Dr.Eisen gave me the results of the bloodwork as well.
She has determined that I have to see a specialist. It seems that all things indicate what I really already knew. I just didn’t know the exact term for it. When I see the specialist at the end of the month, I will have it confirmed. I have PolyCystic Ovary Disease. It was tough hearing that there really isn’t any solutions for it. I will ALWAYS deal with the issues surrounding it. The good thing is there are some meds that will be able to help with the effects. Now, I’ll just have to learn how to take them regularly. My appointment is at 2pm on the 28th. When I learn more about it, I will know more about what I am facing personally besides learning about it from others who have experienced it. Then, I also get to (see at camp I learned to say get to instead of have to) take a medicine for high blood pressure. Funny thing on that is it is one that Gma used to take. I may have to learn how to deal with it differently.

(note: I've had some time to process the news and I wrote this while watching the Olympics with friends. Smart idea - less emotion)

Ok Naggers

2008-07-23T22:31:00.003-05:00

I went to my physical for the doctor today for having insurance. Now, lets try to forget that I am 33 freakin years old! Cause that reality makes it even harder to comprehend.
When I got to the desk to start paper work, I started shaking a little bit. Then I sat down to do the paper work and my heart starts pounding. I took a few deep breaths and stopped shaking, but my heart stayed at a fast pace. I could look at the book I took, do thank-you cards, or color. I simply texted then...probably should have prayed but I didn't have that faith at the moment and probably blame God some for my fear of the situation.
Now I picked this doctor because she was a great doctor with Gma. She paid attention to gma's actual needs and didn't over due anything. She listened to our concerns. She cared about not stressing Gma out. I thought it would be a good idea to pick her since I at least knew she had a positive bedside manner. This is important since most things medical involving me are negative. This is also important because of the experiences I've had with medical people and Gma's care during the last 8 years. Dr.Eisen is a very positive part of the medical experiences for gma.
Once I was called back into the hallway for the wonderful weight and height. I was trying to not noticeable take deep breaths. I attempted to make jokes for the height and weight...but nope that didn't work for me to refocus. Crapola because it normally does. Then I enter into the room. THIS IS JUST A PHYSICAL! My hands got clamy and as I sat on the table, i thought I could hear my heart. Then she took my blood pressure. While she did that she asked me if I was nervous, I said very much so. I mean really it has been 10yrs since i've had a physical; I'm in sucky health; and doctors have a history of not really caring about patients. She said my pulse was very fast as well. (duh!) Then she asks me if I've had a papsmear. With a shocking tone to her voice she reasks because I say "no." So I have to resay "never, yes I know I'm old." Then she asked a couple more questions and left the room. Now, I'm freaked out. So I'm texting with MandI, who is all excited that I'm in this horrid experience. I know that wasn't the intention, but that is how I felt at first with the texts. I ate three Ice Breaker mints because I needed something to try to calm me down...ugh I suck! Thankfully they had Kleenex in the room because I was crying as well. Final text with MandI has an "I'm proud of you" as Dr. Eisen entered into the room.
Dr.Eisen tells me to sit next to her in the regular chair...she just wants to talk. Now, I'm not dumb, so I know she is doing this to try to relax me. I don't care anything that will work was fine with me at that point. We go through her questions finding out where she needs to head with my care. She doesn't sound all preachy! When we got to the sex questions/women's issue's, she said that it is ok that I'm not old for not having a papsmear. Now when we actually talked about some of the concerns with me, then yes she said I had to have one. This woman doesn't remember Gma or even meeting me before, and I'm totally ok with that. Some how she is actually caring when she is a doctor with you and that is what matters. She had me get back on the table. Sadly, I started shaking again. (my heart never stopped pounding hard!) I was able to take the deep breaths, but she said those even sounded like I was nervous. She retook my blood pressure, and she wouldn't tell me that number because it was higher than the first time. She isn't going to rely on either of those readings so hopefully I can take it and show a lower one consistently.
She did say I needed to at least for now switch off the soda some. She said tea and kool-aid would be better...much more practical than saying water. She said other practical boring things and had me schedule bloodwork. Lets hope that is a better experience next week since I have to be stuck for it and I don't get to eat beforehand! That includes no mints to calm me down while waiting!
So...yeah I have health insurance?*
I would like to think that God would have done something within me to not make me have this type of experience. I mean seriously...all of the medical people I know and love, and I really had no control over the fear today. Bestest friends, ex-roommates, close friends, family members, and godly women in the health care fields, and I dread all of it. Craziness

*Lori, I know it is important and I thank-you for helping us all find it. If only it wasn't such a tough thing to deal with.

Tough Connection

2008-07-23T07:36:00.003-05:00

This is my phone.

Sadly, It doesn't seem to love Carmen as much and I do. Bad, Bad, Bad Phone. It makes me sad that it doesn't like to connect with her easily.

For The Naggers

2008-07-16T23:54:00.002-05:00

Next Wednesday, I will be going to have a physical with the doctor. Yeah, for health insurance, I suppose. (Thank Lori's pushing.) Lets hope I feel better about medical people by then cause other than those I love outside of the medical world, I'm not too thrilled! Now, I'll get to hear I'm fat and got women's health problems...oh yeah!

Miracles Happen

2008-07-14T16:34:00.002-05:00

This is a highly prayed for desire.
This is a miracle and blessing.
This is a wonderful life change.
This is a peace maker.
This is a family gatherer.
This is a gift from God.
This is Elizabeth Fogarty Carnes!

PEO Meet

2008-07-13T08:04:00.003-05:00

Yesterday, when I was in the process of getting to leave work, Lori's mom comes in the office and asks who has the Cottey College bumper sticker on their car. IMMEDIATELY, I was so excited and knew she had to be a PEO. I jumpingly answered "that is me, you've gotta be a PEO!" Oh my Gosh! This is the most smilest news all week long! I sang C-C-Cottey for her, hugged her a few times, kept saying how I couldn't believe I didn't already know this about her, and how much more amazingly Lori now is with this little bit of knowledge. Meeting a PEO is always postive for me because I owe them all so much gratitude. I'm sure all my fellow ducks would agree. While helping her mom carry some stuff upstairs, we talked a little more. I have to find out how she became a PEO and more about her drive through Nevada, MO. Since she will be here for a bit, I will have time to share pics and PEO safe memories!
What a treasure during these past two weeks of UGH!

DUCKS LOVE THE PEOS!

Name Update

2008-07-10T14:35:00.001-05:00

6/6/08 The guy who does the invoices gets to see very interesting versions of my name. What is really sad is that it is my writing that they can't read! opps! I will have to add more as they come in, but I will try to print more clearly so there will not be as many! He says there are more versions on earlier invoices...shucks that would take time to find.
J.Cervila
Joanna C.
7/10/2008 Well we are actually having some fun with it now. If I put my name, I just write it and don't really think about it. That will be below. I will also put some of the efforts of having fun names.
James Carilla-ille (look hyphenated and I'm not married)
Harry Buettis (it was supposed to be Harry Butts)
Mrs.Sims (funny thing is it actually says illegible)
James C.
Jeane

Got Talent?

2008-07-06T14:44:00.002-05:00

I enjoy America's Got Talent when I can see it. I pretty much only see it by YouTube now. This reason we have what may be a copy cat from the british version. Both could make you cry. Should be interesting how it plays out when they are in vegas.
The American:

The Brit,who won:

Happy Birthdays

2008-07-04T14:18:00.005-05:00

So things are somewhat smiley today. Gma has an IV to help hydrate her and three cousins agreed! It is truly a good thing that we all came to the same conclusion on our own and were willing to fight for it. Nursing home shouldn't try to pawn off their patients...pffffftttt!
Today is a day for celebration and fun. It is Uncle Stanley's 80th birthday! It is Grandma's 91st birthday! It is American's Birthday! It is Amanda S's birthday. Did you know that Obama's daughter also has a b-day today?...that is pretty darn American if you ask me...not that it would change my vote! I'm making cake ice cream with blue in it and strawberry ice cream for Gma's celebration. Kinda a lousy birthday for her being in bed and all. She is on thickened liquids so ice cream will be the enjoyment..no cake.
Here is a picture from the little bit of no rain time this morning for the Texas City parade.

Here is my number...USE IT

2008-07-02T20:00:00.003-05:00

Tuesday night I went to the nursing home to discover that Grandma had had most likely a mini-stroke that early morning. NO ONE HAD CALLED ANYONE ALL DAY! I am still pissed about that. It took about 40mins before anyone finally talked to me to inform me a little bit. During that time she was unresponsive overall, had her jaw open, and was very hot. Other that wanting to know why no one had called me, I kept thinking how many people die near their birthday. That is one of the things I've learned in my job. I just kept bawling every time that thought came to my head. I couldn't get Pam on the phone, no words from the staff yet, and grandma of course couldn't explain what was going on with her. When the nurse was finally updating me some it didn't seem like she really knew much to say. I tried to help get her comfortable for sleeping and then left. Called mother to let her know what I knew but she didn't really convey the concern I expected her to show. Pam finally called me back and said she'd talk to administration today. The nurse called me after speaking with the doctor (shocking) but mainly to say the doctor we be there in the morning.
So this morning I went to the NH and am told so many different things. The saddest thing is that the Dr. will not be in. What the freak? I'm there for four hours trying to make sense of things. I kept grandma fairly engaged most of that time. She needed fluids so I made sure to get them down her so they could do another test. I asked to be called if it was hard and I'd come back. I said call me when the blood results come in. No such luck. Tonight when I went up there she hadn't been given the extra drinks that were in her room. She thankfully had been changed at least. She was warm again, but the temp didn't register. I may have to take it tomorrow night to ease my mind cause I don't trust most of that staff. UGH! I found out that they had gotten the blood work results back. Grandma was about the same as last night, but she was alittle bit more responsive. Still answers were contradictory or non-existent. How hard is it to give the family the truth?
Hopefull, I'll get rest tonight and tomorrow there will be improvement. Perhaps, Paul and Terry will get their butts there and see that we need to move her. Mostly, I would just like it if her birthday she could at least be able to sing again.

Stressful Weeks

2008-06-27T21:32:00.002-05:00

First of all I feel like I need a disclaimer for someone who reads this and has heard/seen some of my life this past few weeks. It is one of those times when having a friend and a boss in the same person really sucks. But I'm gonna let go of the freaking out my head does about that because my heart and head have been over full the last two weeks.

What is terrible, for me, is that there is still so much that I either don't have details for or that I can't share. Just sort of needing to list things to actually be able to be thankful God has let me live through it. So some of the things of the past two weeks:
* close friend having day surgery
* another close friend may have TB and dealing with that
* Gma has some bruise on her knee and elbow that we weren't told about
* Sally's bump
* stupid door
* Pam's surgery
* Alisa's surgery
* Shannon actually moving
* church deadlines
* Joyce's dog
* stupid family politics

I've cheated the last two nights so that I could sleep through the night. UGH...I hate doing that. My mind races so much when I lay down even though I'm yawning and closing my eyes. So yeah...I've taken the Benadryl to make me sleep all through the night. God is just so odd when He brings challenges. Making me face so many loved ones with health issues just is hard to grasp. I hate that I don't have the energy, because of the tears probably, to do something for those who I am able to do things for. The worst thing about all of this is who I've become at work. I've been rude to others this week. My tolerance level was so low with co-workers and phone patience. Generally, I'm happy with where I sit for work because it is away from some of the talking/gossip. With my faith and sleep being less, I stupidly wanted to be involved with it. Wanting to fix pain with inflicting pain isn't a good way to handle problems, yet I tried that. I freakin got reported because I annoyed with the questions I was being asked (even though I know I have to answer the stupid questions). On my facebook, I posted the rainbow from the other day. It is really true that I need God to make me see the rainbows through all the rain in my eyes. I don't like the evil that I have become this week, and I don't like not having the faith to believe that:
* God loves my close friend who had day surgery
* God loves my another close friend may have TB and will help her deal with it
* God loves Gma and will someday have truth prevail
* God loves Sally's bump and her family
* God loves the people in my apartment complex
* God loves Pam even if she doesn't have a relationship with Him
* God loves Alisa even if she doesn't have a realtionship with Him
* God loves Shannon and will find her new friends in Corpus (and find me one here)
* God loves His church and already has the plan made
* God loves Austin
* God loves my family and He is the Peacemaker, not me

Sally Update

2008-06-25T19:55:00.002-05:00

MandI just called to let me know how Sally is doing. I know I suck at dealing with things about disease and/or death, so these past few days have been really hard. Yes, I know she isn't even MY dog! When I spent time with Sally last night and this morning, I was some what put at ease that she wasn't in almost death condition. She simply has an abses (sp?) on her back tooth. They will figure out how to deal with it when Phillip gets back. Thankfully, she is following the rule of nothing too terrible while her Daddy is away.

The Blogging World

2008-06-23T21:46:00.002-05:00

Three of my deep thinking blogs that I read have been very powerful the past few days. I love that! I miss it severly in my people to people conversations, so having the blog world is very helpful for me.
One of the writers is someone I went to Cottey with. I actually met her when I sat in on a class when I was checking out the college. Then, my freshman year, my suite kinda adopted her into the love for meals, traditions, movie time, and probably academics too. When I went to Meredith, I saw her again at these huge statewide BSU events. It was so odd to share that other part of life with her. Then a few years ago, I learn that she was in Divinity (not candy) school. FASCINATING! Her thoughts about her path and her theology mixed with daily life are a blessing for me. She helps me to remember that God didn't design me into some crappy creature to be tossed aside. When I read her, I want to just sit down and call to get even more into it. I'm still a tad frustrated that God didn't allow them to move to Texas when she graduated.
Another one of the writers, I happened upon about three years ago. I was searching for stuff about Florida camp. This minister was questioning Dr.T and the way the gospel is presented at camp. I had to comment. Then I got to staying around and reading more of his posts. It took me a couple of weeks to realize that there weren't many women commenting, but it didn't deter me. He is a minister that truly is missional focused. He truly loves people at their core and wants to understand people. He allows us to be able to watch his daughter grow. He truly cherishes his wife. Through his blog, I was connected to even more of the SBC-blogging circle. How much I loved the way so many of the blogs had open conversations even with some disagreements. People generally didn't get all upset just because someone disagreed with them. This minister's blog is one of the best I've seen for being able to do that. It has the added benefit of making me think.
Finally there is the blog of the young one. Sometimes I read her writings and feel like take a shower from what I've read. Then there are times that just make me truly laugh so hard. Sadly, a few days ago, I cried almost for an hour after reading a post. I didn't even finish reading it the first time. I shut the computer and tried to go to bed. I had to get back up and finish it, then I still cried tears for her, me, the truth, and the commonality. Two days after reading it, I "twittered" her that I'd love to talk to her more about it. See for me blogging should be about the author feeling free to express herself, experiences, and interesting findings. I regret that she lives in the reality of fear of being loved because of her words or thoughts...especially from her family. Then I realized, I have felt that way as well.

***To those of you that have blogs to update about your family life and travels, I do enjoy those as well cause it shows a different side of you. There is just a difference in the pressure for thinking.

Sally Sores

2008-06-23T20:23:00.000-05:00

MandI calls me at work to ask me if I had seen sores on Sally's face. I hadn't...and it has been was Thursday evening that I last saw her. Then a couple of hours later, I receive an email telling me that Sally will be going to be vet on Wednesday. Praying that Sally is obedient to the rule of nothing severe is allowed to happen to her while Phillip, her daddy, is out of town.

So that news from California

2008-06-17T07:12:00.003-05:00

Ted Arman has big plans for his Iron Mountain Mine and the acidic water that seeps from the federal Superfund site.

They include a return to mineral mining at the location nine miles northwest of Redding, Calif., and a 200-foot Italian marble statue of Jesus Christ atop the 3,500-foot mountain that Arman says would be the largest in the world. Next to the steel-framed Christ would stand a 100-foot crucifix. Arman said the cross also would be lit up at night.

"I hope to make the property a Garden of Eden," Arman said.

But a federal official says that none of Arman's changes are in the works at the mine, home to what scientists have called the world's worst water and whose iron-red scar is visible from much of Redding. read more here

and a funner view of the tale here
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I know I've seen many of these type of large statues (been on the throw-up road too many times to Eureka Springs!) and the picture of the famous one in Rio. I just don't get it. To me it isn't something that worships God, but seems more like an idol. The two articles that I read about it almost make the man sound crazy as well. Yes, Noah was tought to be crazy as well, but a statue will not get you anywhere. There are plenty of non-Christians in California (and elsewhere) so it would make more sense to me to spend that money trying to build relationships with the people! The guy just doesn't comprehend that usually the people who come to these crazy statues are believers (or those that think they are). Does he really need to help clearly break a 10 commandment in California? My SPUH was from redding and I'm sure this will not help her to be a believer. Faith that brings stupid decisions is so frustrating. God did not take away intelligence!
Maybe Californians have such a need to be famous that they keep making dumb decisions even ones involving faith?
So now God can have a final word and just have one of those great California Earthquakes in 4yrs, and the statue crashes in the man's garden. oh brother!

Thought on through out day from another blog

2008-06-11T16:42:00.002-05:00

What would happen if…..

Followers of Jesus concentrated on sharing their faith with a lost and dying world?
Followers of Jesus prayed for the church across the street?
Churches didn’t see other churches as competition but as allies?
Churches rejoiced when another church is thriving?
We realized our view might be wrong?
Their church is just as important to God as yours?
We recognized God likes variety?
Followers of Jesus didn’t shoot their wounded?
We acted like Grace really is amazing?
We give Grace beyond the point of conversion?
We realized God likes worship–no matter what the style is?
Churches in a community partnered with each other to reach the lost and hurting people that God has given to them?
Churches didn’t criticize other churches?
Followers of Jesus didn’t nit-pick other believers, churches or ministries?
Followers of Jesus became part of the solution rather than being the problem?
We really prayed….?
Followers of Jesus could put aside differences in order to minister to a dying world?
Followers of Jesus really became one?

What do you think?
Now, I don't think any of this is about doctrine. There are some churches/pastors that don't teach the gospel. It just breaks my heart to know that we bicker about some stupid crap around churches that has nothing to do with our coworkers, family, friends, and neighbors having a relationship Christ. Heck, I've even been listening to and watching the SBC annual meeting this week. Not because I agree with everything about the SBC, but because I do believe and support the amazing way southern baptist can do missions.

Misty Evening to GANO

2008-06-11T13:11:00.002-05:00

Last night, my bible study class took up meals for today to be eaten by the summer missionaries for Houston Baptist Centers. Glynda was in a very hostess mood and three hadn't been to the new building. I hadn't been through the building with everyone actually living there. I wasn't ready for the emotional pull I was going to feel when we were walking through the building. First was seeing the mail and prayer board area in use. When serving this is such a vital part of support -- prayer and love from outsiders and prayer and lover from coworkers. As we went up the stairs, there was a picture that had been made for the many different children the centers serve. Then she opened the door to the guys room. The bunk beds, lack of storage, open closet, and community bathroom --- all giving me thoughts of great memories! Then we moved into hall to be shone the room for the missionaries to relax in. The was a very comfy looking room. Floods of memories overcame me from the bonding we had in our "no feet on the furniture" living room. Then we turned into the room for the women. Maradee made a comment about the bedspreads being similar. I giggled for a moment in my head thinking about making beds at RSBM. The summer house mom was very concerned about the "critter" staying closest to the bathroom because of the light. It kinda got to me when I saw the bibles on the beds as we were about to leave the room. Why isn't it when you are so drained from doing clearly God's work, it is easier to make time to read his word? Even though inner city missions work is hard, the lessons and love of God is just so high. When we left the second floor, I followed quickly down the stairs so the feelings would not be so present on my mind. We said our good-byes. On our drive out of the area, we saw a wreck. Another in the car was worried about a gun. No fear ever crossed my mind, just the hassel of getting around.
Makes me really desire the day when God makes this a normal part of my life again.

Wonder Woman actress finds body on river in D.C

2008-06-07T07:26:00.003-05:00

WASHINGTON June 7, 2008, 07:17 am ET · The actress who played Wonder Woman on TV in the 1970s says she didn't do anything extraordinary when she discovered a body this week on the Potomac River in Washington.

Lynda Carter tells The Washington Post she was alone in a boat when she saw the body Wednesday. She says she didn't have a cell phone with her, so she yelled to some fishermen and asked them to call police. Carter waited until rescuers arrived and directed them to the body.

District of Columbia police say the body of 47-year-old Helen Johnstone of Washington was found floating on the river Wednesday. The medical examiner's office has not declared an official cause of death.

Carter says she "did what anybody would have done."

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Now, I'm not sure that is what I would have done. Maybe eventually, but not as level headed as this makes it sound. Very possibly, I would have needed some new Wonder Woman Underoos (we had them as children) if I had seen that body! Too bad she couldn't lasso it up and take it to the MEs office. Wonder if those fisherman wondered if she had apprehended a suspect...HA!

Self Absorbed

2008-06-06T09:23:00.003-05:00

I totally need to be slapped upside the head. I just saw this overly cute cake and said it was for me. Now we have two pregnant women so totally the rubber duckie cake is for them (stephenie I think cause it is a blue background..ugh). Seriously how selfish am I to think a cake is for me when it is no where near September! This does not mean that I want a cake either.
EDITED: I've added the picture of it. There were even more questions after this post about it being my birthday. (I don't want this cake for my birthday even though it is cute!) I put a post-it note on the cake to let people know it wasn't my cake. This was before reading Lori's comment. Still too odd for this day...or maybe not because today was an odd day. (getting ready for a whirlwind week ahead)

Bye, Bye May

2008-05-31T22:09:00.002-05:00

Although being in Texas means, I have to run the AC every day when May comes. There are some really great things about this month. Most of them involve traditions and presents!
May is the time for so many birthdays of family and friends. When I was little, one of the reason I used for saying I was adopted was birthdays. My mom, 1/2 sister, and sister all have May birthdays, since I didn't I was sure I was adopted. (oh yes the mind of a child) I actually put thought and effort into gift giving this year. While I'm still holding onto one of Jerrese's gifts, I do think I did ok with all of them. It was easier when I thought more about being creative than spending a certain amount. Of course, learning about new places in Texas, getting pics to frame, and sharing a heart moment is a little creative too! All the friend birthdays have been crazy. Yes I know next month will actually be worse for close friend bithdays, but really card shopping can just be tough sometimes!
May is also a time for graduations, which I love! Mit graduated from medical school, Scott from seminary (ugh...before me), and Joy Ruth from kindergarten! Sadly, I only was able to go to one ceremony. I really do enjoy graduations. The cap and gown, the music, the celebration, the pictures, the inside memories, and even the speeches sometimes. When I heard about all three of them, I knew i was going to try to do something to help celebrate (even Scott).
This month has allowed for a few conversation gems with Joy Ruth, the honored graduate. When I talked to Jerrese about her birthday plans, Joy stomped her feet and said in her angry voice "that is not fair, I don't like eetalion." Jerrese quickly responded to her that the children weren't going for that birthday celebration. Then, Joy responded that she wasn't going to invite Jerrese to her birthday. As the perfect Aunt that I am, I just giggled on the other end of the phone. Another phone conversation, Joy answered the phone but told me I couldn't talk because she was taking me to her room. She described the whole trip from the living room to her bed room where she closed the door. When she said that I could talk again because now Daniel can't hear, I had to ask why it mattered if her brother heard. In her exasperated voice, she says, "Aunt Janna, you know." Yep, I am the perfect Aunt with all knowing powers who just laughed at that. Then today, I called to see if mother was out at the farm because I didn't get to sing Happy Birthday earlier in the day to her. Joy answered the phone. Everyone else was outside, but again "we" had to go from the living room to her bedroom to talk. I don't know why should couldn't have turned down/paused the Hannah Montana she was watching. After talking about the big graduation she had. I asked about grandma's birthday. Joy says "I got Grandma Judy plastic flowers and she loved them!" Clearly, she was proud of her gift that she gave, and my mother has clearly become the grandma that accepts all gifts in love.
The worst part of May is that it usually has many good-byes. I hate good-byes. I don't believe all the stuff that gets said even though I usually really want to when it is being said. In a very unmature way, I tend to prefer for relationships to end through a division instead of a goodbye. This is not the way it has happened for two families that I've grown to love down here. First, my friend Shannon is moving to Corpus. It sucks. She and I were similar in game play, food likes, secret sharing, many religious views, and lived within 25 mins of each other! We became close through a board gaming group that had nothing to do with faith, church, or religion. Yet, our friendship has greatly influenced my faith. Often, I feel surrounded by people who don't approach the way similarly to me or who admit beliefs similar to mine. Shannon is oddily someone who does make me feel less alone down here...even more amazing to me that I get to share this with a SAHM. I will miss reading Dora, having tea parties, and playing Lucky Duck with Brooke. I will miss getting to teach Sydney how to beat her big sister in games! Then, my reconnection family is moving to Longview. I met the mom and eldest son while I was at FBC-G. I didn't really get to know them because I couldn't mentally and spiritually function with all those women that only wanted to talk about being SAHMs, while I was watching someone die and very much wanting to be working a real job. My friend, Lori, was training with some of these women for the marathon. She kept telling me how much she was enjoying getting to know them even though it was tough sometimes with so much talk about children. Well, she stayed close to one of them. When Jillian's middle son was very ill, she called Lori to ask for help finding a sitter. Lori, quickly sent me. Now, I've worked some for this Nanny service that does babysitting as well, so I'm prepared to go into homes of people that I really don't know. Little did I know that as I entered into this home for a few hours, my heart would be changed. I was only with two of the boys that night, but it was a full night of dinner, homework, bath, stories, game, and prayer. This experience was so wonderful because of amazing parenting. Jillian didn't really show the fear she must have been feeling. The next day at work, I thank Lori for sending me. Then, I find out that I am wanted back by the children and Jillian. Now, we begin having mini-conversations before and after my time with the kids. Then it is time to do Lori's shower, and totally giving God the credit...Jillian and I get to work on it together. Now this woman is organized beyond measure and learns her community. She was an amazing default leader of the shower (hooray, I was mediator). I loved her humor and approach to handling things. When she told me that her eldest was being baptised, I began asking then for a copy of the DVD. This woman is a marvelous SAHM who I would even not negatively call a Proverbs 31 woman...she truly does as much as that woman and never do I picture her as the negative baptist version of the Proverbs 31 woman. Now, I honestly don't know if I am going to miss the boys or her more! Thankfully, she sent her blog to me (which I've stayed awake reading the entire thing since) so I'll be able to keep up with her, Austin, Thomas, and Andrew. I may even finally learn how to spell their last name!
Some of my Shannon special memories: creepy crawly game night, moving with Brooke, "um is this where the game party is?", SNORTA, a princess party, Apples to Apples again Joe, my keys, prayer time.
Some of my G-family special memories: spell but (hehehe), washcloths in the shower, lets go to Bennigans, garage code, Austin praying, "Jonathan" baptism, playdoh time, rodeo or Janna (seriously still shocks me), the cat likes me, watchin Dr.Suess, bath invite from Thomas, tarter sauce shared with Andrew, pretty toes, teens and sushi

Thanks for a memorable month y'all! (yeah I know I still have to finish the trip report)

Fire the Teacher...UGH

2008-05-28T21:25:00.003-05:00

CBS) A Port St. Lucie, Fla., mother is outraged and considering legal action after her son's kindergarten teacher led his classmates to vote him out of class.

Melissa Barton says Morningside Elementary teacher Wendy Portillo had her son's classmates say what they didn't like about 5-year-old Alex. She says the teacher then had the students vote, and voted Alex, who is being evaluated for Asperger's syndrome -- an autism spectrum disorder -- out of the class by a 14-2 margin.

Barton and her son, Alex, talked exclusively with Harry Smith live from West Palm Beach, Fla.

Barton filed a complaint with Morningside's school resource officer.

St. Lucie School spokeswoman Janice Karst said the district is investigating the incident, but could not make any further comment. The state attorney's office concluded the matter did not meet the criteria for emotional child abuse, so no criminal charges will be filed.

Teacher Wendy Portillo was advised by the school board not to speak to the press so she declined our interview offer.

© MMVIII, CBS Interactive Inc. All Rights Reserved.

To see the video, sorry I couldn't figure out how to embed it:

http://www.cbsnews.com/sections/i_video/main500251.shtml?id=4130015n

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OH MY. When I read the first blurb, I thought it was going to be like having Survivor in the classroom at the end of the year. But to actually say you don’t like a child and then vote the student out, WHAT WAS THIS TEACHER THINKING? That is a crock to me that the teacher doesn’t think she did anything wrong. Perhaps she thought people wouldn’t believe the boy. What is this school district thinking keeping such an unqualified teacher? Clearly the nurse knew this teacher was in the wrong. Granted it is Florida which has masterminded the coverup. I would like to hear if the school has anything valid to say (cause this is just one side of the story and she did try to pull a political card.) Hopefully, the other parent’s children will realize that this shouldn’t be said about a child even if they too wish the special needs child wasn’t included in that classroom.

Apple Bottom Jeans

2008-05-23T19:26:00.002-05:00

If you don't know the song by Flo Rida, then you may not appreciate this as much. I was outside playing with my nieghbors when I read one of the girl's shirts. It read apple bottom jeans. Her sister then shows me (while proudly shaking her booty) that she has apple bottom pants. She doesn't have a butt much less an apple bottom!

I had to take a picture. While I was taking it the girls started singing the Apple Bottom Jean song. They knew ALL the song. Of course, they giggled because I knew all the song too. It really is said how fast these kids grow up here with sexual knowledge. Yet, these kids often have confusion on love and respect. We've got to fix that in how people are growing up.

Aggie Trip Part 1

2008-05-22T12:46:00.005-05:00

I refer to this trip as the Aggie trip because overall I was going to visit Aggies. Now the family I saw in TN can be included because they are AGGrIEcultural. it just seemed like a good way to label the trip for me. I also could have called it the Tuna Trip because of the Tunettes I saw on the journey. Anyways...
After loading up in the non-AC at my apartment on Saturday night and Sunday morning, I made a quick stop at the funeral home to get my shoes. Then I was on the road for a warm drive to the 1/2 way point of the trip. The traffic flow was great and the cops weren't a problem even while going at almost 80mph at some points. I really tried NOT to do that (for real) because my daddy told me over and over the the best fuel conservation is when not going at really high speeds. I'd forgotten what it was like to drive across the long bridges of swamp land in LA. There are so many people who go park under the bridges to get into the water. I was intrigued by that the first time I drove through LA many years ago. The saddest part of Day 1 was making the right decision of not staying on I-10 to go to NOLA.

I teared up a little as I thought about how much I love that city and my memories from there. Driving that much out of the way wouldn't have been smart for time or gas money. I was on a mission to get to destination 1.
Entering Mississippi to go North was chartering into new territory. You could see where winds had damaged trees at some points but most of the road side views were filled with lush trees. I learned that there is a NASA place in southern MS. Unless you are a NASA employee (Megan?) you can only enter the grounds from I-10. Of course it was closed to be public for mother's day. Still just odd to learn of a NASA spot when coming from Clear Lake area. The welcoming place in MS was helpful in confirming my original plan of staying in Hattiesburg and told me to check out the flowers at the University. Oddily, she didn't offer to help me find a motel room. I stopped to get a picture of the sign and then thought to get pictures of flowers for Jenn. The security guard was a very southern gentleman who was very concerned about me traveling alone. I said it is ok since i'm a grown up...of course I was rolling my eyes while getting in the car to head North again. I had to stop for gas before getting to Hattiesburg. Sadly the Walmart gas was closed. There were no postcards to buy at that Walmart or Shell Gas Station. I even went to the Dollar Tree there cause I though having a nice smelling candle would be cool for the motel. They had nothing Mississippi there. This is just the beginning of learning Texans have much more pride in their state.
I made it into my chosen motel room by 7:05pm. Fairly good for I was able to find Survivor quickly. I unloaded the car during commercials. Since I was unableS to get a ducky on my toe, I painted a little daisy on it that night. Sleep was wonderful that night for I had no agendas to get done in my sleep. Still my bed looked normal in the morning. The next morning I had the good breakfast at the motel...yeah for warm breakfast and yogurt! I got directions to the University from the front desk to go see the flowers. It was a little bit of a drive down there, but it was nice driving through the campus. College is just a great thing! I really do have compassion for people who don't get the experience of going to college. I get tingles just being on the campus even if I didn't attend that school. Parking was tough, but it allowed me a good walk. The gardeners were very friendly and were totally willing to take pictures for me. Then I was on a mission to wash the bugs of LA off my car. It was just nasty to me. I took a picture of it as proof to Carmen who thought I didn't need to waste time with washing my car. Finally I had to start heading North again.
This ride was filled with talking to my dad, looking at the alabama cities, trying to calmly listen to Rush and Hannity, singing fun songs, and keeping the curls alive in my hair! The Alabama welcome center stop let me know that I was traveling during National Tourism Week. They were very friendly in the building. Where I parked though had the funny marker about defending their rights. I didn't really make any stops in the state, but I thought it was interesting to drive around Birmingham and read some of the History on the signs. I grabbed a late lunch in GA. I had Hardee's and it wasn't as yummy as I had recalled from being a teen. It was pretty there in the mountains though. I also finally got connected with Carmen again to be able to let her know where I was. I had to stop again in 15mins because I was finally in TN. I got possible activities to do with Carmen and my family. Then it was on to Knoxville. Justin did a great job with directions of getting me to the Baba home.

Carmen, Justin, and I simply had some subway while we chatted. We did some picture looking, memory recalling, and good giggling. Justin had a project due, so we tried not to bother him. We got to make my bed together, and then she said the happiest thing! She told me that if I wanted to come climb in bed with her in the morning I could. I think I gave a little clap! When I was planning this trip, I had three goals to accomplish while visiting with Carmen. 1)Get some new sneakers 2)Get a replacement Rocky Top keychain 3)Have some snuggle time in bed with Carmen and talk to "jonathan ian" in her belly I heard Justin leave that morning (way WAY tooo early). I checked my email and then headed to climb into bed with Carmen. This is one of my favorite Carmen memories. We talked there for about an hour. Too bad we didn't have other Tunettes with us. Then we got ready for the day. Neither of us really had much breakfast. Our first stop was to the Recycling Center. This was was crowded! WAY TO GO KNOXVILLE! Doesn't Carmen look so cute in her top? Then we were talking about normal breakfasts that we have on our way to Target. When we got to Target the pregnant woman was on a mission to get to the Pop-Tarts. As we then walked through the store looking for postcards and at baby stuff, she ate two of the packages. The pregnancy cravings are just so fun to observe. Then it was time to buy shoes. UGH! I hate tennis shoe shopping which is why I thought getting a friend to help would make it better. Finally, I was able to get a pair and I got two other fun shoes. Carmen had people in her life she could mention about many of the shoes. Then we went to Lifeway, but didn't get anything.
Finally it was time for lunch. We went to the Apple Cake Tea Room. This is girly place that actually had stuff I'd willingly eat. It was a cute place in a log cabin. The chicken salad was REALLY fresh. Then we went to a baby/kid resale shop across the street. They had this interesting Smores maker that would have been good to get for the Christmas party, but sadly it wasn't working. Carmen got to find some cute bigger boy clothes too. She was still in search of this bag, so we went this big christian book store. Sadly still no bag to find...she needs Scribbles. Then we were tuckering out, so we went back to her home. Surprise gifts to find! Someone had given her tons baby boy clothes. There was even a brand new soccer outfit! Then we watched this DRAMA. We had to finish watching it just because it was so disturbing. Then we rested for a moment. The sprinkles were beginning then. We went to Wal~mart to still look for postcard and get dinner to make. We saw a COPS episode in progress as we were walking to the car. Carmen kept walking to the car, but I stayed back to watch the beating and pulling. It took three big guys to take down the kinda scrawy guy! Then we drove home in the rain. Carmen mentions there is a guy in her bible study class that I might like. When Justin came home, he was very happy about the right colors on the soccer outfit. We got dinner made. While making dinner, I look at the fridge and ask if the guy she was talking about is on it. He was! Hummm...then she begins saying how he may not be a good match! Justin got to have his first slice of Totinos Pizza. This used to be a Carmen staple, so we had to make sure he had it. We played SET with Justin. After playing Carmen asks Justin what he thinks about me talking to the guy. Carmen wants us to go to lunch with the guy the nest day. I totally don't recall what Justin said! Poor guy was so sleepy after being up to do his project. Carm and I stayed downstairs talking for a little bit including getting more insight about this boy that she really is convincing herself of now that wouldn't be right for me. (do all of you english major folks cringe at that last sentence?)
The next morning while Carmen was at bible study, I tried again to find postcards. Tennessee must not be as proud of their state because you can find postcards in so many boring places here! I got some very cute duckie Christmas soaps and....postcards at CVS. Carmen and I went back to the house in the rain. We simply talked some more intense topics for awhile (of course, I got my Wednesday call from Jill who forgot I was on vacation), before heading to Babies 'R Us to look around and meet one of her friends. At lunch, I asked her friend about the guy from her church and this woman actually seemed to shrudder! Soo lets just come to the conclusion that it was a nice smiley thought of Carmen's but intelligence took over and this will not be pursued. After lunch with some yummy pie, it was time to head to Hulls and Byers.
I really loved my visit with Carmen even as simple as it seemed. The point was to see and spend time with Carmen! Justin and Carmen to have a decent amount of maroon in their home, so they are keeping the Aggie love. Her phone even plays the War Cry. Who knew it would be so much fun just talking again together...isn't it amazing to have friends like that?

So THIS election, I easily pick the winner

2008-05-22T01:17:00.002-05:00

Now, I've only voted once in the presidential election and voted for the winner. I successfully vote 75 times for Cook to win. How messed up is that? But I'm thrilled for him!

Dottey Cottey 2005

2008-05-21T12:49:00.002-05:00

How is it that I went to college with such strange traditions? What is really sad here is that I didn't go to this event either year, yet I know the songs sung at the end. (Mandy, some how I also seem to recall parts of another version to one of the songs...hummmm)

Texas Coast Spring and Summer Air

2008-05-21T10:48:00.002-05:00

The day before I left I came home from work to discover my Air Conditioning wasn't working. This is not good when you have to be moving around and it is VERY humid and warm outside. I just made it work for the night then left a message Sunday morning with apartment management to let them be able to get it done while I was out of town. Well I came back late Sunday night not really able to judge about the AC since it hadn't been on and I quickly showered before going to bed. Then the next morning I knew it still wasn't working. Well I forgot about calling management while I was working in the Tundra (my male boss likes it cold) on Monday. Then I just decided I'd go ask about it on Wednesday. No need for doing that now. I have cool air now blowing in the vents! The workman just came by to work on it some more. The electrician had to be the one to come to do it. They had tried to fix it while I was gone --yeah! Sadly it was something that needed someone with more skills and possibly a new wire. What a blessing to have been able to be away from here almost the entire time it was broken! The trip provided much fresh air. I'm home now and breathing in the AC air is the best way to go here!

For Jenn Poe

2008-05-20T06:59:00.004-05:00

So I've learned that people other than Jenn will like this, but I took these pictures during my trip to make Jenn feel special. Many of her blogs and travels includes pictures of flowers. This blog will be edited when I get the other pictures developed.

I sadly was giggling alot as I clicked this one. I just was playing around with what I'd say about these picture attempts. We see this flower often in the flowers that come for funerals. It was also unique because very few non-roses were out there.

When I saw this flower, I totally thought of the part in Willie Wonka where he drinks from and then eats the candy flower. It helps that the movie was on the night before at the motel.

Now I didn't think these roses were all that pretty, but I was intrigued by how the bees flew around them. I wasn't nervous at all that the bees were going to come toward me. The gardener explained to me that the roses didn't look as nice because they had recent bad storms in Southern Mississippi.

These pom-pom looking flowers were at the welcome center in Mississippi. This is where I got the idea to do the blog for Jenn. The security guard made a point to tell me I couldn't pick the flowers. How sad that someone would pick them from a clear flower bed. Just remember that you can pick the bluebonnets that are in fields in Texas.

Blogging Baptist World

2008-05-20T06:40:00.003-05:00

Last night after picking up my mail at the post office, I was amazed to read an article in the Baptist Standard about blogging. (the baptist standard is a texas newspaper for southern baptists...it is the more like CNN while the other baptist paper is less fair and balanced like Fox News or MSNBC) About two to three years ago, I stumbled into the world of the baptist bloggers. I some how flowed into the "hated" ring. About a year ago many of the main bloggers tried to change some of their focus. What I really loved about many of the blogs and the people who ran them was the open discussions. I didn't know any of these people before hand but I'd check links and be lead to additional blogs. There are three of them that i still glance at now. The one I started with is still my favorite. He has two atheists that regularly post. He regularly keeps things from being hateful or too heated. He also has his heart show in many of his posts. I think that is one of the best things about the baptist blogging ring. So many of these (mainly men) who share their concern based in intellect with others. It is a great thing to be able to share differences with others in a loving way. It will be a miracle when we hear that these blogs are also changing the lives of the readers.

Here is the 2nd link about those articles, I'm not sure how to make it clickable:
http://www.baptiststandard.com/postnuke/index.php?module=htmlpages&func=display&pid=7732

Lunch with Carmen

2008-05-17T00:13:00.002-05:00

On Tuesday of my trip, Carmen and I went to this place called Apple Cake Restaurant. It was a girly place, but good portions still. I actually liked a few things on the menu. We both laughed at looking at all the food pictures from MandI's trip, so we took this picture to send to her. Enjoy!

Because I should be packing

2008-05-10T22:49:00.002-05:00

Your ex is walking on the opposite side of the road, what do you do?
Probably not notice since it has been so long. Clearly I'd talk to them if I figured it out.

When is the last time you wanted to punch someone in their face?
oh...today...seriously I need this vacation

When was the last time you cried and why?
Friday for various reasons...the trip, gma c, loved one

What was the last movie you watched at home?
i don't recall, I watched so many while I was sick for those two weeks

What is your favorite aisle at a grocery store?
during spring - the Easter one; the juice one is the one I go down most often

What kind of milk do you drink?
Isomil

Who was the last person you went shopping with?
MandI in person; Mitra by phone

What is something you need to go shopping for?
Nothing...I'm headed out of here...I will get a CD at Cracker Barrel on the way...and gotta get birthday and hostess gifts...and of course a new Rocky Top key chain

Do you like pickles?
Yes, on my burgers

Does someone like you now?
Jr High like? I doubt it.

Do you like the color green?
depends what it is for...I'm not opposed to it

How many hours did you sleep for last night?
not near enough...usually like that before trips for me...about 6

Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?
well yeah....YOU as you read this!

Have you ever changed your clothes while in a vehicle?
Friday football trips it was part of life...certainly while on long trips and if needing to be in cleaner clothes

Do you think you're approachable?
yes, probably more than I should be

Would you cry if you found out you were pregnant?
Yes, I don't know how Mary did it...and seriously, we need a baby shower break

Have you been pressured to do anything recently?
yes...but sometimes that is good

What's your worst habit?
hummm..that is a good question --- totally my mouth...always has been...backtalk or food

What was the last thing someone said to you?
"I love you, Janna"

What's a fact about the last person who called you?
she named her first born after me...lol (ok so that isn't a fact but it sounds goo) ...she can be very fast at math

Its 4 in the morning, your phone rings who do you expect it to be?
the nursing home

What's the last thing you ate?
ice

Something you just don't understand?
judgemental people

Are you still friends with your first friend?
well she is my little cousin so yes

Who was the last person you were in a car with?
Gosh I can't remember... do bob and sally count?

Do you care what others think about you?
sometimes...trying not to as much in a balanced sort of way

Do you think you'll be married in 10 years?
I doubt it

How many people do you trust 100%?
heck, I don't even trust myself 100%

Ever tripped over your own feet?
Yes, I'm clumsy

Do you un-tie your shoes every time you take them off?
Nope...I tuck the laces in a lot too

A year ago today

2008-05-09T23:36:00.002-05:00

May 9, 2007 - Ruth Martin Carwile died at age 98. (still sounds stupid to me to give information about a loved one like that) When I started planning to go to TN, I knew I was going to go in May. What I hadn't thought about was how close I'd be going to the anniversary of gma's death. Last night and lots of today, I was thinking about her creativity and attitudes toward people. She had this nature about her that would completely block out someone from her life if they hurt a family member or her. She really could hold a grudge for a long time. However, she was also someone that supported and loved her close family. Almost every time we were with her, we played board or card games. She was a very private person overall, yet another trait I developed. I think it would have been awesome to be able to read a diary of her earlier years. Next week, I'm going to see her son that took amazingly great watch and care for his mother for many years. I hope I can come up with a way to honor him and her memory while visiting with them.

Wal~Mart Tonight

2008-05-09T21:44:00.002-05:00

Tonight I was in the line at Wal~mart for WAY TO LONG. I went to get ice, gas treatment, gas card load, and Mac&Cheese. Of course, I got more than that...but whatever. After texting, talking to mom/dad (that should be a side story), and reading a trashy magazine, I checked out. Then I had to get the bag of ice. This was one of those times they had someone going over those receipts. Well, ends up that I freakin knew the guy that was doing that tonight. He recogized me right away. Sadly, it took me a moment to figure out how I'd seen him before. When he asked why I hadn't called him back and if I lost his number, I had to figure out what that was about quickly in my head. UGH...I went on a date with him over a year ago. I said I didn't save most numbers from my old phone. Yep...liar liar pants on fire! I stood there talking to him for about 5mins. He tried to give me his number, but I didn't really want to deal with that. I gave him my "business card" hoping it would be lost during the next week which I made sure to say I'd be gone for. Craziness! What the freak was I thinking? I totally clued to my actions when he talked about going to a movie again. Seriously, women we have too much power in goofy situations...most likely for stupid reasons.

Stupid, Stupid, Stupid

2008-05-08T20:02:00.002-05:00

Survivor...those fans really haven't been that bright. NEVER EVER give up your immunity! Women players that last are always evil...always! UGH...Erik even in a life women are tough to trust and these women want the title and $1 Million. UGH...totally proof of how much power women actually do have over men. This would be the reason to worry about a woman leader of the country...cause we will outsmart you boys! The finale should be interesting.

Funny Names

2008-05-08T12:18:00.002-05:00

The past couple of weeks we've had an interesting and fun name to say at work. Now I'll play with names many times just to make the day less stressfull. The deceased name that we are smiling about right now is Harry Johnson. Yeah, go on and giggle if you want!

*yes I know it isn't very appropriate, but it is funny!

Exciting External Focus

2008-05-07T08:18:00.002-05:00

UBC is a very missional/externally focused church. We are working on getting better at being locally exterally focused which thrills me...but really that is more about better organization for things members are already involved in. Last night as one of those leadership meetings (this was one that I we didn't really do any work in which was odd) and we learned of a more direct goal our church is going to be involved with for FY09. We are partnering with a church in New Orleans. My heart is totally smiling. I wanted to clap last night when I heard this. This may be my opportunity to go on the first mission trip of my life. I truly "Love This City" and am delighted to know that we are looking to head there. Learning more information will be great...i'm very curious as to what church it would be. How perfect if it was Metarie Baptist! What a total blessing of opportunity!

Value and Money

2008-04-28T16:35:00.002-05:00

What is it that gives things values? I remember this being a topic in one of my classes at Meredith. Sometimes really good products can be found at a $1 store or resale shop;sometimes it is crap. Sometimes crap is at Macy's or the boutique; sometimes there are great items. Both ways we kinda have to search for the good values.
Isn't it the same way with people? Hummm...or maybe we are susposed to just value all people equally. (isn't that in scripture? well for the churches that pay attention to that scripture.) Lately, I've just really had my fill of gossipy judgements from people around me. These are just the ones that I've heard. (Terrible to think what they might be saying about me as well.) Often comments are made about clothing and education from people. Just because someone hasn't had the money for spending on clothing, they shouldn't be devalued for it. Just because some doesn't have the same school to go to, they be seen as a mission project. They can be great people with out being the same. This is a lesson we should get as kids, yet sadly don't.

Switching Security

2008-04-26T02:15:00.002-05:00

Sucks that I feel the need to go to invited only. It shouldn't be that way Views and opinions should be allowed to be openly expressed, but I know some don't get how to allow for that. Since division can occur through people being stupid about differing views, I'm having to limit myself here at least for a bit. This is probably one of the worst things to happen for me an using a blog because I loved the comments even if not published that I had for awhile from some that were/are very different from me. hopefully limiting and needing to feel safe with expression will not last long.

JaNNa

2008-04-24T07:24:00.002-05:00

My first name has two N's in it. This may sound pety, yet I want my name written with two N's from people I know. At work, I don't care if my name is said wrong or splled wrong by families. When I'm with people who are my friends or that I am in church with, I don't get why my name can't be spelled correctly. At camp, we did this thing about God knowing our name. I guess that is really all that should matter, but I want people who claim to love me to spell my name right. For me, it is almost evidence of a lack of really knowing me. I promise I am not spelling my name wrong...there really are two Ns! When Amy started writing my name with capital N's, I thought it would be rude to also do. Perhaps Amy was on to something to help people get it right. I know that I want to get others names right...if it ends in a Y or I or is spelled with a PH or V. Small details to show care...not really overly tough.

Collide/UBC

2008-04-22T22:23:00.002-05:00

"The worship gathering is just one aspect of Collide. Our Sunday School class falls under the Collide Young Adult Ministry. The worship service is the newest part of the Young Adult Ministry. I know that is might not be your thing but we really need your help. We need you to commit to coming to the Worship Service for 6-12 months to help us build it up. Please commit once a month to coming to the Sunday Night Gathering. Collide is not just the worship gathering it is all the young adult small groups and bible study classes that we have at our church. I think alot of people thought they were two separate things."
They SHOULD be two separate things. It is also a church plant. If you join UBC then be apart of the damn church, don't just be apart of a clique of people. Yes it can be important to appeal to certain age groups outside the church and even in the church, but making it be the only way to be is wrong. There is so much to gain by being fully involved with the church. It makes me frustrated that people aren't being encouraged to be involved with the entire church! I am NOT apart of Collide. I don't want to be apart of Collide. I hate being forced into being apart of Collide. Don't put a crappy label on me! My role in the church (not the church plant of Collide) is to help people belong, but forcing some to belong in a collision isn't positive to me.
UGH!

Really for me

2008-04-02T11:20:00.000-05:00

"Learning to Fall: The Blessings of an Imperfect Life" by Philip Simmons
a book I should probably try to find and read. if I can figure out how to focus while reading again...ugh.

"As a culture we have accomplished a great deal by seeing life as a set of problems to be solved...we learned our method from the Greeks. From childhood on we are taught to be little Aristotles. We observe the world, we break down what we see into its component parts. We perceive problems and set about solving them, laying out our solutions in ordered sequenced like the instructions for assembling a child's bicycle. We have gotten so good at this method that we apply it to everything...we choose to see life as a technical matter."

Watch the lamb

2008-03-23T23:46:00.002-05:00

I should make the effort to go get the song for those who don't know it but you can do that yourself. Perhaps I'll do it at a later time.
The song Watch the Lamb is my favorite Easter song. I just happened to flip through the channels and it was on tonight. Friday, I mentioned it to Dennis because I think it is a song in his range. It is an older song...like from the 80's.
The song is about a family coming for passover. The children are to watch the lamb for the sacrifice. Then they come upon the road as Jesus and the criminals were being sent to cruxifiction. It is a great song about how we don't always immediately get that Jesus did the sacrifice for it. I also treasure the teachable moment that the father was able to have with his children. As Jesus is nailed,naked, bleeding, and caring, the father tells his children to watch the Lamb. Children can safely hear and experience the gospel message.
Yet, it is adults who are close to me that I pray would watch the lamb. This is even bothering this weekend more than others. It sucks that the bulk of my WBS class (either one) isn't really a comfortable place for me to think like this. Perhaps this is why not enough people turn to Watch the Lamb.

NOT Toasted

2008-03-21T17:28:00.003-05:00

Waited for a bit for KFC Wrap. 3 attempts and THIS is what I got.
CRAPPINESS! Eat McDonald's Instead!

Shakin Jesus In

2008-03-21T08:43:00.002-05:00

Today is tough. ok this morning is tough. It is just so hard to hear disappointment from people who are getting to have a child in their lives. I just wish that she could be convinced about the love that is so ever present. If only she could know that God has the power to love her through this time. If only I could push the love into her so that she could know that she is living a blessing. Yes, she wants the time to feel these feelings, but I really want to help fix the situation. Sadly, all that matters really is her drastic need for Jesus. This "suffering" that she is feeling doesn't equate to much if she only would accept all that God has already done for her. CRAPOLA...why does it have to be so damn hard to let others understand about what Christianity offers?

Honest Horoscopes

2008-03-08T22:47:00.002-06:00

"One of your friendships is starting to feel one-sided -- and you are not on the right side. Do you feel like you are giving more than you get? Compromising more than they do? If so, it's time to have a one-on-one conversation with them. Let them know that you feel like something is up, and ask them if their feelings for you have changed. The answers won't clarify anything for you immediately, but that's not important. You just need to establish this kind of openness between the two of you."

I am not sure that I completely wanting to agree with this, but I know that I have been thinking this as well. Granted I don't know that it is wise to clarify when there has been high amounts of openness before. Relationships can be so tough...ugh!

Primary Elections

2008-03-04T22:24:00.002-06:00

I have no clue how late I am going to stay up tonight. Sadly I have thought about my voting history tonight. I have only voted for the winning president once since i started voting in 1992. (that makes me sound old) I voted for Bush in 2004 because I too was glossy eyed into the view of protection for the USA. Even with that sad reality of my voting history in the presidential election, I still love the political process! Tonight, when i knew the very sad new was coming, I still cried just a little while listening to Huckabee concede. He is a man, who I truly respect and believe he cares about the people he serves. But I must move on...ugh!
Throughout my life i have loved everything about learning about America. It didn't matter if I was in social studies or listening to a "home" missions missonary or being around someone that had just gone on a vacation, I would still be excited to hear and/or learn. Then of course I had the opportunity to go to Arkansas Girls State which I really think has the main effect on how I think about politics. Heck, I went back for three years as counselor. The caucus was the way to get elected on every level...especially the higher ones. I considered going tonight, but I wasn't sure I'd enjoy it on my own. Isn't that odd when I was alone in high school. Granted we were all alone in our towns. Still I like hearing the counting results, the reasons, the speeches, and seeing the pride. The politics is almost as strong for me as my faith...scary I'm sure to some. Still I want to complain about not getting my "I Voted" sticker.
The thing that has bothered me the most today is the way people voted. People purposefully voted in the democractic race when they normally vote republican. I heard that from the media on three of the channels. To go vote just to try to pick who could be the loser in the other party is not the way this should work. It also has been proven to fail...just watch big brother! Now, I may have thrown away my vote by voting for Huckabee, but I also got to vote for the rest of the ticket that mattered to me. It really does sicken me that people who go vote for the loser. This isn't American Idol where we vote for Sanjia just because it bugs people. These people who thought they would go vote for the loser could really have a hand in hurting OUR country.
Labels certainly aren't something that i really enjoy, but I do get their importance. The label of Republican fits me best...out of the choices. In actuality, I'm a Liberal republican most days. I like for my governmental decision to be made on the more local level. I like expecting people to do more for themselves. I looked at a few polls to try to decide about more of the local people. On some of the issues that I still have trouble knowing what I believe on, I loved seeing that a politican got that it was tough as well. Sucks that i have to wait for these results till the morning...perhaps i should have gone to the caucas. Just wish that decisions didn't have to be so tough.
I'm finally signing off of this and Hillary looks like she might be declared the Texas winner, yet caucasing has yet to be completed. What a future 6mths of race running we have!

What I am Watching

2007-12-25T18:46:00.000-06:00

I am still at Karen and Scott's home. I'm watching a show on LOGO called Camp Out. You can click the link for it in the title. It is a Christian camp for Gay teens. i would love to have the opportunity to talk about this movie/documentary with someone, but I have no clue who I'd watch or talk about it with. They have lots of true conversations that are great and I would love for christians to be able to see this. I still don't know what all I believe about being GLBT, but I do know that we have screwed up as a Christian society. I despise the fact that we choose to focus on this as a sin yet my being obese, a pastor's lies, a rocket scientist's snobbery, or a housewife's lack of love is just blown over. I want to be in a place of truth of God's love. Sometimes people blame it on age, but I really don't believe that is true either. I know some very open older people and I'm proud to know them. I'm uncomfortable saying that it is right, but what an amazing lovely concept to be able to be seeking God. Now if only we could have leadership for all that are also seeking God. Would it be possible to have a camp for a diverse group of people? What a wonderful prayer we should have.

Ringing

2007-12-24T23:15:00.000-06:00

I love handbells! I love jingle bells! I love cowbells! I even love door bells!
Bells usually signify something to pay attention to that is coming. Even a fire bell is for a warning. I like it when kids have the bells on their shoes. They seem to just have a happier sound. When I listen to a good handbell choir, I can be entranced by the wonderful ringing that is done. There is that stupid quote from that WAY too long Christmas movie. "When a bell rings an angel gets its wings." I think when a bell rings it can make the listener fly whether it be to action or to a deep spiritual thinking.
A goal has to be to listen more intently for the bells around me.

Finally Blogger Time

2007-12-16T15:27:00.000-06:00

Since I haven't gotten a computer yet, I haven't had time to type out thoughts. What a weird last five months I have had. Working in a funeral home certainly does test me. It is also interesting to work with such a variety of people. I have almost completed the learning curve time. I actually think the learning curve changes. It is just odd because everyone does things so differently there. I certainly work way too many hours. I wish I could figure out how to make it not have to be and 8-5 job with only a little lunch break. It seems like everyone gets overtime. It is crazy because part of the problem is the cross knowledge and different opinions. Still even with all of that, I actually do like working there. I just wish I had more time for friends and Gma. I do think more about my family interactions now that I am there. Such an interesting life that we can lead when we are open to God's opportunities.

Too Old for Nightmares

2007-10-16T23:00:00.002-05:00

Fears suck. I'm writing now cause I can't sleep I'm having stupid nightmare because of a picture...just a picture I saw at work. I'm not really sure who I can talk to this about, so I'm up a 2nd night crying and NOT sleeping. Who does a 33yr old tell that she is having nightmares because of a picture? I seriously need to not have such an active and imaginative mind because it is just making the staying up worse. People say to pray but that isn't really working so perhaps I need to figure out something else. I just really really want to sleep...my mood needs it!

Job offering

2007-08-31T00:38:00.000-05:00

Well as all things have been stated in almost every business advice thing I've heard these last few months, I am considering a job I am only being offered through networking. PFFFFFFTTTTTTT to actually applying for jobs since getting them really is by word of mouth most of the time. This is what one hears over and over while doing the job search thing. So tonight I was offered a job by friends. It is a job that they believe I can do and now of the weirdness should effect me. Five years ago there is no way in heck I'd consider saying yes, but now I am about a 55% yes. It sucks that I don't really have a good person to bounce this around with because my closer friends are almost all connected someway to the offer. I said I would let them know on Monday. I hope that I can get some good clarity by then. Such an interesting thing for me to consider and accept. I wouldn't really be using my degree but...
sooo much ponderment!

I trust you

2007-07-30T08:57:00.000-05:00

One thing that still fathoms me and freaks me out is when people say they trust me. Usually this means that they know I'm not going to be judgemental. I am honored that people feel this way, but I really don't understand it. I'm not doing anything special. I do say that choices aren't right, yet others still feel I'm not judgemental. Really it does blow my mind. (seriously, very open conversations from a lady who has had an abortion, a wife who commits adultery weekly, people who grow weed, first date sex, and eating disorders have been topics the past two weeks) Even though I don't get it, I know this is something I cherish and would love for it to be able to be incorporated into a job. I say incorporated into a job since it seems to not be a typical skill. That is just wrong ... I know it is true because it is why I don't reveal alot of my inward life. It would be wonderful to know why I have this characteristic. I really don't know what I exude (is that the right word?) that lets people know that I love them as they are. I can only say that I feel this to be true in three people currently in my life. Brittany is probably the person who I remember as an adult being the first person I experienced this from. She loves people...even the dark side of people. She never allows me to feel that I have to change to be loved...she shows mightly what God's love really is. I guess that is somewhat true in me although that scares me to say that. I think what makes it stand out for me with Brittany is that she is a strong Christian. Why is it so rare to know and experience this love amoung people who claim to be Christian friends? Just wish there were more people to interact with who held this type of love. Just wish I knew how others see it in me.

When to give up?

2007-07-29T17:13:00.000-05:00

For the last month, I have been thinking about this. It is hard to know when to say that I can't take it anymore and settle for something. Does that mean I don't trust God to be in control and take care of me anymore or am I don't what God wants by humbling taking a position? This is somewhat a difficult thing to answer. Right now I'm a little pissed about this as well. In May, I was ready to say I'll go be a buggy getter at Wal~mart. My mother quickly turned that idea down and was upset that I was even considering it. Now, she is upset that I haven't gotten even a part-time job to supplement my income. What they heck? Why is it settling if it is going to pay the same? Looking back, I can honestly say that June has been really the only month that I've not been highly focused on achieving a good job. So I sit in on the seminar like thing this past week to hear about jobs. I wanted to practice interviews, but I missed that section because I was asked to speak with this woman. I was visibly disappointed after this. The woman I was speaking with couldn't grasp that I don't need a CDA. Then, she really felt that she needed to go into sharing her heart mode. UGH at myself, I sucked because I didn't want to listen to her. But this seminar thing was talking was somewhat through rose colored glasses, but one of the things that was most true was that good jobs come through good connections. Well, I haven't figured out how to make this true for me. I've even applied to two school districts, but I haven't figured out how to get into the inside track for them. I did get a UTMB interview, and I suspect it was because I went through the other channels. People kept acting impressed about that, but what the hell good does it do me if I still can't have a job. I would gladly take a semi-menial job in a good work environment as long as it wasn't too low of pay, but I don't desire to jump through hoops to get jobs like this. God does provide and I'm not doubting Him on that. I am doubting and getting upset with the process. Wednesday I'm going to this networking thing, hopefully more to be encouraged, I'm not sure what kind of contacts that I can really make at this thing.
It just really sucks that getting a job is really a sales thing. It is something that should be kept up with for years with past contacts as well. I really hate that I'm almost 33 and having to deal with this in my life. I've had to apply for positions before, but I was just me and got them. Now I have to learn all this crud to sale myself. UGH...and I know that being false is a large part of why I couldn't deal with being successful at Huntington. Hopefully this week will make the future seem brighter.

comments off on this...i needed more of a vent.

Updated 5 love Languages

2007-07-22T09:09:00.000-05:00

The Five Love Languages

My primary love language is
Quality Time

Complete set of results

Quality Time:		9
Acts of Service:		8
Words of Affirmation:		8
Physical Touch:		4
Receiving Gifts:		1

Information

Unhappiness in relationships, according to Dr. Gary Chapman, is often due to the fact that we speak different love languages. Sometimes we don't understand our partner's requirements, or even our own. We all have a "love tank" that needs to be filled in order for us to express love to others, but there are different means by which our tank can be filled, and there are different ways that we can express love to others.
Take the quiz

I've known since the book came out that I was quality time. This of course is the toughest one to achieve alot of the time. Sometimes I wonder if for service oriented jobs if it would be helpful for bosses to know this about the people they are hiring. I know that I like salary jobs better so that the right amount of time can be spent devoted to the people involved. Granted the sucky part of that is sometimes others want to take your time. I think during the last five years or so, I have increase in seeing that words of affirmation are valuable even for me. As the Camp Worldlight staff begin to return, I am reminded how God allows camp to be so great because of the support from fellow camp staffers. The support uses all of these types of love. Perhaps this is why a bubble environment can be so great and pump us up so well for so long. Even in knowing the time, praise, service, gifts, and touch that abounds at camp, God sends in campers with so many physical, mental, and spiritual bruises. It is true that God provides what we need at the right time. He expects us to work together and use ourselves to achieve these great things for His glory.
*well I have a picture that I am trying to put here, but it shows in preview and not when I click to view it. hopefully it will be able to be added later.

Waiting

2007-07-14T14:03:00.000-05:00

Cartoon by Dave Walker.

Hoping it is not delivered but believing it hasn't been written. Hummm...when did we start saying the "check is in the mail" when talking about email?

What's Janna's theological worldview?

2007-07-12T17:00:00.000-05:00

I scored as a Evangelical Holiness/Wesleyan
I am an evangelical in the Wesleyan tradition. I believe that God's grace enables me to choose to believe in him, even though I myself am totally depraved. The gift of the Holy Spirit gives me assurance of my salvation, and he also enables me to live the life of obedience to which God has called us. I am influenced heavly by John Wesley and the Methodists.
My second highest score was Emergent/Postmodern. I am Emergent/Postmodern in my theology. I feel alienated from older forms of church, I don't think they connect to modern culture very well. No one knows the whole truth about God, and we have much to learn from each other, and so learning takes place in dialogue. Evangelism should take place in relationships rather than through crusades and altar-calls. People are interested in spirituality and want to ask questions, so the church should help them to do this.

Evangelical Holiness/Wesleyan 79%
Emergent/Postmodern 68%
Charismatic/Pentecostal 57%
Neo orthodox 50%
Reformed Evangelical 50%
Classical Liberal 43%
Fundamentalist 43%
Modern Liberal 32%
Roman Catholic 29%

Sure the stuff of description is interesting, and I wish I had what it said for all of them. What I find really funny is how I'm equal scores for FUNDAMENTALIST and CLASSICAL LIBERAL. I do agree with the results as far as I know what they mean. I did expect my Emergent score to be hire but the reasoning make sense to me.

I don't want to teach

2007-07-09T13:48:00.000-05:00

I don't want to teach. I don't have a passion for teaching. I get frustrated with being over a class. I purposefully took more administrative classes in college.
So What?
I'm going to have to apply to a freakin preschool/daycare so that I can semi-use my degree and finally be earning money again. THIS SUCKS!

Similar Names

2007-07-01T20:52:00.000-05:00

This blog is for me.
I was just looking for pictures because MandI was over. I had wanted to share the photos that I had stolen at one time from the internet of Joyce. During that search I came to this article with a quote from a woman with the exact name of Joyce. Scary because it clearly wouldn't be something Joyce would say. Usually when I meet a Janna, I will ask them questions about personality. All the Janna's I have met have similar views and personalities. I am just surprised to see something so different.
Here is the article.
http://freaksforfun.tribe.net/thread/49c5698c-c389-495b-86f2-1249229fd5fe
Here is the how many of me thing again.
http://ww2.howmanyofme.com/search/
Still so odd.

"I don't want the Mark"

2007-06-26T19:22:00.000-05:00

So I've had poison ivy rash for the last two weeks. While I've been healing, I've told the neighbor kids that I couldn't play. I also showed them my arm to show them why. The rash is almost all gone and they were out playing tonight. I decided to go over to chat and meet the cousin. The boys were making the stairs into a jungle gym. I caught one of them and gave a backward squeeze. He talked for little bit like that, but then he said "I don't want the mark." It was so funny because that is how they totally see the poison ivy. I'm white with red marks. After giggling, I assured him that he was safe. Sadly, I'm not sure he is convinced about it.

But it got me to thinking about the future. Currently, I say I don't want someone else to have the mark. How awful is it going to be when loved ones are saying "I don't want the Mark." With the books, blogs, and life I've been experiencing lately, I'm even more consumed with the urgency of my role in help to impact others for God. I don't mean that in a evangelistic freak way, but in a way that makes me want others to truly know the love and saving power of Christ. Even though I'm reading the books and blogs, I don't feel like I get how we move forward. One of the books actually bores me because somehow I am already able to have the relationships he talks about. I don't know how or why this is a trait in me, but I can't think of a time when it wasn't. I so want to get out of the head/heart mode though into actually doing or feeling like I'm doing. It sucks because I haven't really connected with someone in 3D land with that similar spark. I want to be able to wrap my God around people so that they will not have to be left to say "I don't want the Mark." Now...just how to do that?

Here's Where I Stand

2007-06-23T12:13:00.000-05:00

This clip is from the movie CAMP. There have been some American Idol auditions with this song also. Since I first was impacted from this song after seeing it in the movie, I thought I'd include the original source. I'm not giving a recommendation for the movie but it does help to have seen the movie to understand her impact of her singing it.

However, that is the movie and this is me. I feel like I've attempted to sing this song before to others. (I mean singing it in my head of course.) Now I feel like it is being sung to me. I find it interesting that it takes confidence to say that we need to rely on someone else. To realize we need to and want to move forward yet we need love to do so. Scary to think about the power in giving that love when we aren't in agreement. But I think the love is asked for and can be given even when not in agreement or understanding. Perhaps that is what is means to "not be a child any longer."

Here in the Dark
I stand before you
Knowing, This is my chance to show you my heart
This is the start, this is the start.

I have so much to say and I'm hoping
That your Arms are open
Don't turn away, I want you near me
But you have to hear me.

Here's where I stand,
Here's who I am
Love me, but don't tell me who I have to be
Here's who I am,
I'm what you see.

You said I had to change and I was trying
But my heart was lying
I'm not a child any longer
I am stroooongerrrr

Here's where I stand,
Here's who I am
Help me, to move on but please don't tell me how
I'm on my way, I'm moving now

In this life we've come so far
but we're only who we are (who we are)
Courage of love (Courage of Love)
will show us the way (Show us the way)
Unlock the power
To stand up and saaaaa--aaaaayyy (Stand upppp)

(Up and say!)
Herreeeee's where I stand
Here's who I am
(Stand Up) I'll be counting, counting on you
If you're with me, we'll make it through

Here's where I stand,
Here's who I am
Love me, Love me, Love me, and we'll make it through

Here's where I stand,
Baby, Baby, Baby, I'm counting on you

Here's where I stand
Love me, Love me, Love me, and we'll make it through

I'm counting, Oooh,
I'm counting,
I'm counting, I'm counting onn....
Yooooooooouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

Rated my life

2007-06-21T09:47:00.000-05:00

This Is My Life, Rated
Life:	5.6
Mind:	6.3
Body:	3.7
Spirit:	9.2
Friends/Family:	3.7
Love:	1.5
Finance:	5
Take the Rate My Life Quiz

Not sure I agree with the findings, but did find it interesting to take. Of course some questions were tricky for me cause I wasn't sure of the definitions they wanted.

People's Impressions

2007-06-17T22:34:00.000-05:00

Well I've just had a freakin' odd moment. I linked to Jessica's blog that I've never seen before and saw what her inital thoughts on me were. This is perhaps the worst day so far for me to have seen this. If I knew that I wasn't the only Janna, I would totally think this was about someone else.

Janna: SUPER Bible-guru!! Knows everything! Strong moral fiber

She can't possibly be talking about me. I am NOT a bible guru. I hate to think that I give the impression that I know everything...this really sucks too. I think I know why she would say that, but I don't feel that it is true. Then I oddily giggle at the stong moral fiber. With that I know she isn't talking about me! It wasn't my intention to give this impression of me. I want to live in truth. The thing I despise the most is inauthencity, but now I feel that I'm guilty of this. Heck, I didn't go to church stuff today because I didn't feel strong enough to deal with being there. This really sucks...

Graduations

2007-06-16T21:03:00.000-05:00

For most things, I don't enjoy dealing the tradition and rituals of life change. When it comes to graduations, I don't feel the same way. Yes the speeches can be boring and very similar, but still I love the celebration of some part of schooling being completed. The music (my phone even plays it!), the silly gowns (and what may or may not be on underneath), the individual recognition, the promise for the future, the original hats, and the uniqueness each school has to their graduating class. I've only been to two graduations this season. Friday, I went to one for two friends. It was odd hearing some of the awards being given, but the entire ceremony felt like a wonderful graduation celebration. When I received the invitation to go, I knew I was going to go. Oddily, my close friend was surprised that I wanted to go (hummm). I totally believe in education for personal or professional gain. Even though this was for a funeral school graduation, I was glad to be able to supportive by "whooping" and clapping for ours and the other honorees. I wish more people understood the accomplishments that people have in achieving graduation. Heck, I even went to some UTMB graduations, so clearly have I to care some about the education to be in that much of that crappy orange and hearing the awful song. Some people even celebrate their child graduating from kindergarten. I love that because it shows that learning is positive and to be achieved.
I did freak myself out though because I said to MandI that I will be thrilled to be invited to her children's graduations and she doesn't have to invite me to their weddings. Yeah...scary to think I trust that we will still be close in many years. I would get to clap for their award of graduation, and if they are like their Pop for their intelligence and most popular! Going to it especially after hearing about some of the battles they endure during their schooling makes it that much more special.
Also I've thought alot about some of my own graduations. On one of the Cottey boards they were talking about a tradition that goes with graduation. A few that didn't graduate ontime with their class didn't get to do that tradition. They have mentioned how it was tough to watch their class walk around campus singing for the last time together. Cottey made that part even more special because other than the few relatives trying to take pictures of it...only freshmen and seniors were really apart of it. It was like a passing of the Cottey senior life which the college administration regonized. We were all in white and no one really cared if you the gold around your neck, the color of your tassle, or the rose you may have held. It is odd talking to almunae who share vast stories of the experience, but their was unity in Graduation. When I finished at Meredith, I just wanted to get the heck out of Raleigh. I attempted doing chalk words with others whose identity should still be protected, but I didn't stay for the Pomp and Circumstance and walk. Can't tell you why I don't regret it, but my diploma was mailed and I had 2wks at The Greens...it was all good! I look so forward to the serious worshipful graduation that I'll have someday when I finish my masters. Being in a seminary graduation is a unique and touching experience because it is so unexpected.
The thing to ponder or more likely correct is how to allow myself to give the trivial parts of weddings and baby showers the same respect as the achievement from the dedication for a graduation.

Do You Clap for Lizards?

2007-06-09T10:06:00.000-05:00

The other night the kids in the complex were out really late. It was ok cause they were all getting along pretty much. I spent some time with them, but I was trying to get gma's clothes folded. They hadn't been outside that late, I guess, or at least not on my porch. Well every year that I've lived here, I have had lizards and sometimes frogs on my porch for about five months. The bug light doesn't help them stay away. The kids were so excited that I had these on my porch. Every few minutes they would knock on my door to tell me what the lizards were doing. The excitement and screaming was the loudest when they saw the little frog that often comes out. Of course this scared the frog into my outside closest! After the seeing of the frog, I tried to teach them the BlaUmph song. Then I went in to get popsicles cause everyone was being so great. As I was coming back out, I was told to look "he is going back to his brother." One lizard was traveling to another lizard on the other side of the porch. A couple of the kids were telling "him" he could do it! They quickly had the popsicles, and finally gave me the trash. They rewatched the lizards and started clapping because one met up with the other. They were so happy the "family" was together.
Do we do that? Do I clap and smile with joy because the family is together? Do we clap and encourage families to get together? Should we do more than say encouraging words as families go on long journeys apart and sometimes have parts of light and darkness? Do families always know that the screaming they hear is encouragement?
I still don't like all the lizards as I come in the door, but I am thankful for what they can teach me.

Ducky Survey

2007-06-01T11:58:00.000-05:00

So Lestlie has this thing on her MySpace page. I decided to do it also. I was surprised by the results...well not too much but alittle bit. I think I prefer the results from another survey thing that is on my blog.

Oh well...here is this new one. Probably too accurate.

Alvin Frontier Days with Austin Miller

2007-05-28T15:26:00.000-05:00

I hope this slideshow thing works for you!

Ugh...Bible Quizzes

2007-05-21T07:13:00.000-05:00

You know the Bible 98%!

Wow! You are awesome! You are a true Biblical scholar, not just a hearer but a personal reader! The books, the characters, the events, the verses - you know it all! You are fantastic!

Ultimate Bible Quiz
Create MySpace Quizzes

While on a MySpace page for someone from highschool, I saw a link to this quiz. I was a little disappointed in the ease in the questions, but then I remembered that it is only easy because of my exposure to it. Isn't it sad that we judge intelligence based on exposure? I know that some of it is motivation also, but I really believe more is based on opportunities. If I was never taught the bible, then I would not have done well on this quiz. Most of the questions were on the easier level. What this should do is make it a real desire of mine and ohter Christians to help others have the exposure. Yes, I know that there are people who could do well on this quiz and still choose not to believe in God, but at least they would have had a chance to encounter God. Too bad exposure isn't enough.

Breaks

2007-05-20T10:16:00.000-05:00

This is going to sound odd from a single person, but I think having breaks from even the people we love is important. I know that this woman in the cartoon loves her husband, but especially being around him so much is draining. It doesn't mean that she loves him less because she wants/needs the break. Of course she probably needs it more because of her life of caregiving to him now. Being a caregiver by choice and by need are two very different things. One may grow into the other but they are different in approaches. I think I've really been able to experience that difference more now. I totally get what this cartoon is talking about because I was greatful for the 10-15mins of break time when a therapist came by. Even if I was being productive, I was mentally free for a bit. I'm still trying to learn how to balance at the nursing home since they often fail to meet my expectations of care. I'm just glad I can give them some days/minutes of a break with my own gma to be able to help her eat or be safe.

She's included

2007-05-16T12:29:00.000-05:00

Seeing the name of her in the obituary was amazing. I'm actually glad Jerrese made me read it. The great-grand kid names weren't listed, but all the grand kid names were. Seeing Jerry Don's name and Joyce's name was surprising and special. I would like the courage to talk to Daddy about what he thinks of their names being included, but Richard said that Daddy didn't object. They approved it together. It was really nice to hear how much value Grandmother Ruth had for Joyce. If only I could have known sooner these people were still being somewhat connected to her. No clue what this will mean, but I do like knowing I'm not the only one who still loves her.

Quotes of Thoughts from Worship

2007-05-06T20:41:00.000-05:00

These are the thoughts I have or the statements I hear during worship service in my church. I will edit new ones in to here occassionally so the date stamp really will not mean they are all on the same day. I'd say these are mainly for me to remember. Some of them I may be the only one who understands. If you've ever sat near me and read my "notes" during Bible Study or service, then you will remember how my mind works.
*****
Defending family includes church family -if my family is insulted too many times I want nothing to do with the one causing the hurt.
The gospel is about following God. Align with God -always!
Being with God makes me a servant.
His Glory is worth the suffering I perceive.
Where do I need encouragement from God to press on?
Are we willing to share our struggles here even on private post-it notes?
Surface issues to hide sins. Do I use these too much?
Sin is not gonna change till we change their/our hearts.
Making disciples is the work of the whole church, whole word, and whole ages...no exceptions!
Rejection is part of the mission.
Sometimes needs need to be challenged not met.
Parables: not facts, subject to world view.
Jesus spoke with OWN authority, His Wisdom. (Mark 1:27)
Is it about rightness or relationship?
Whose really right?
With what authority do we live our life?
Must act now to integrate His authority.
Busy is an external condition; Hurried - I can't receive or give love.
Am I tailgating, getting draft winds, or in the passenger seat?
In TLTWTW, the beavers give the prophecy.
Joy to the World not originally a Christmas song.
Church is only strong in prayer.
The NT focuses on corporate prayer more.
UGH! Why didn't I say in the video, "I don't believe I am belonging if I'm not serving."
"Whatever God wants, God gets" (instead of Lola in Damn Yankees)
Fear keeps us from really sharing; generosity brings contentment.
Can't sing I Surrender All with crossed fingers.
Hosea 6:6 God wants love from us.
Fear keeps us from serving, leads to disobedience.
Am I a have?
God never promised safety. (hummm..)
The worst the world could do is pain in Jesus.
Health Exams like conviction: Does it hurt? It is not susposed to.
Lost - a word of compassion for things of value.
Zacchaeus - a "danny devito" type. (in perception to crowd)
What if Amos 5:21-24 was read when the SBC met?
Denial - refusing to know what you already know. (ouch!)
Justice - restoring relationships
Righteousness - rightly related to God and others
Always Summer, Never Vacation. (instead of Always Winter, Never Christmas as stated in Narnia)
Do I try to put God in my image instead of myself in His image?
Liberalist - not expecting to hear from God
Temptations are everywhere. Jesus wasn't in NOLA when He was in the temples. He was in a place of strength when faced with temptation.
Validation isn't wrong. People know our value from our relationship to Him.
When God calls all to ministry He is really asking "Do You Love Me?"
Foolishness is not preparing for something certain.
Foolishness is depending on others for something that is my responsibility.
No electric power in the church: church doesn't know what to do?
"IF" you can do anything - belief with unbelief.
Mark 9:29 -connects the power to the need
We express our DEPENDENCE on God when we pray.
We express our SUBMISSION to God when we pray.
Why are we more prayer focused when we are less blessed?
Jesus knocks to get us to come out.
Why is it difficult to demonstrate love to those who hurt us?
There is not a point when we can no longer turn to God after acting unfaithful to Him.
There comes a point when it is healthy to write someone off because of his/her choices, but God doesn't do that to us.

Dirty Dancing 20th

2007-05-03T09:33:00.000-05:00

Last night I went with a close friend to see the 20th Anniversary of Dirty Dancing on the big screen. I was a little disappointed more people were not at the theatre. When the movie originally came out, I wasn't allowed to see it, of course. When we went on a Girl Scout trip though, many of us watched it in the motel. I remember arguing about who could be "Baby." (The fun things Junior High girls fight over.) I have seen this movie way too many times. I watched the E True Hollywood story on it a couple of times. I even looked up some stuff online about it. When I worked at Ridgecrest, I have a special memory of the night that Dave took us to Lake Lure. This is where Johnny and Baby practice lifts in the water. My friend really went because I invited her, for she didn't have the same love for the movie. I did refrain some from saying all the lines I love before hand. It was funny to hear people actually giggle at scenes. There were a few times you could hear people singing the songs. Oddily people clapped for the most famous line...that we all know. Seeing it on the big screen made the people look different. Did you know Jennifer Grey has a mole on her lower right cheek? Did you know she only had like three pairs of shoes while she was at Kellerman's? Lisa's eyebrows and puffy lips don't look as abnormal on the big screen. Before the movie began, they had a 20min thing about the show and the theatrical production. It was very interesting to see "Vivian" being interviewed 20yrs later. If they hadn't put her name up there, we wouldn't have known this short haired woman was the busty bungalow bunny that tried to rat out Johnny out of jealousy. One of the guys mentioned about people knowing lines that aren't the big lines. Well here are a few of my favorites:
~Read it but return it. I have notes in the margin.
~No Lisa, it should be with someone who you sort of love.
~I carried a watermelon. I carried a watermelon?
~I envy you.
~Spagetti Arms. Lock Your Frame. This is My Dance space this is yours.
~What are you trying to kill me here?
......I'm doing all this to save your "arse" but what I really want to do is drop you on it.
~Go back to your playpen, Baby.
~Daddy listens when I talk now. You hate that.
~I could show you some moves.
~You're right Johnny doesn't matter what you do, you can't change the world.
~I think she gets this from me.
~I know it wasn't you who got Penny in trouble. When I'm wrong I say I'm wrong. You were beautiful up there.

Not So Welcome Visitor

2007-04-29T17:36:00.000-05:00

Today the parents of one of the people in my WBS class came to our class and for lunch afterwards. The father was certainly a fundamentalist. His tongue was like a sword for many of his statements about the make-up of our class. Here are two of the things that he said.
1. He is going to tell a young single boy to find a church with a singles class so that he can find someone to date. (UGH UGH....this is totally why I HATE being identified as a single)
2. 20 somethings don't like to read a book. (so why make them? know you demographic and reach to where they are. I also know this isn't true because if a 20something is interested then they will read.)
I was hyper today from lack of sleep due to seeing Ronnie Milsap and Austin Miller, but I did calm down my attack back a little bit. I'm sure it didn't seem so. He was talking to our class during lunch saying things that were wrong because he doesn't know us. When someone offends me or another, I'm going to tell them because I'm not a punching bag. I did make the attempt to apologize for my tone, but that probably failed also.
It just makes me sick...really it does...that we have a bible study leader that wants to reach, truly reach, the people who the church has forgotten, yet we have classmates that don't see that need and vision. It hurts to know that people don't want to adapt to meet these needs. This is the mission field we need to learn to reach.
Point of Ponderment: Will I be in worship again soon because this class really isn't for me?

Helen R. Walton

2007-04-22T22:09:00.000-05:00

Death really sucks even if you know without a doubt that someone has gone to Heaven. Famous death is even stranger because there is so many people looking into your personal world. I know we've had alot of death this week, but this is the first that really effected me. Mrs.Helen died of being old unlike the other major deaths of this week. Still it is odd how all of these are so public.
Helen R. Walton was such a giver. She is also a very funny woman. She was a great grandmother. Lynne Walton even said she was a good mother in law.
I had the occasion to meet and speak with her a few times. In high school, I had a car and my friends didn't so I also carried around the siblings of my friends at times. We had to take them over to the Walton house for a birthday party one day. Helen let us through the gate and greeted her young guests. We giggled and said good-bye just to be happy to leave the little brothers. The next time I was officially introduced to Mrs.Helen was when I went to a Luncheon to learn about Cottey. I mainly spoke to the alumnae and Alice Walton that afternoon, but she gave me a good old lady hug and prayed for my college decision. When I was working at the Children's Center that summer, she remembered me and wished me luck as she was touring through the center. The following January, I went to an evening meeting of the women who supported my college to report. After sharing about my Cottey experiences to that point, we closed the meeting with their traditional prayer or saying. Mrs. Helen called me back over to her car. She spoke with such love and again prayed for everything I was learning and experiencing. She truly believed God would guide me through the semester. This was the semester that I accepted my call from God to ministry. I only spoke with her one more time. After I graduated from Cottey, I went to a tea to say thank-you for supporting me through my time at Cottey.
I will always treasure the special times she had in my life. Even if she wasn't known all over for money, I know that I will keep her words in my heart.

Recommendations

2007-04-19T17:14:00.000-05:00

"The recommendations should address qualities such as spiritual maturity, motivation, self-confidence, initiative and commitment to doing God's work."

I really don't know if I could write a reference for myself. I know that I can and do want to actually follow my calling again, but the process is so frightening. That self-confidence word really makes me want to just stop all of this and forget it. I don't know that I could ever live through having my prayers evaluated again. When the politics aren't involved, I can serve and serve well. I have the motivation and initiative. Even here at the apartments, I have tried to do things with a ministry mindset for the kids. There is terror (really it is terror) within me when I consider being questioned about why Meredith, being fat, and last witnessing opportunity. Last night I tried to convey to others the need for prayer on this, but sadly I know that it is impossible for me to explain the difference of this application process. I know that this is actually worse for me because of NAMB. Hopefully Monday Karen will be able to see the real potential in me and the fear will not be what I present.
pondering: what will it be like when I have to apply to seminary again?

Too Numb for Ice Cream?

2007-04-17T19:47:00.000-05:00

Today was free ice cream day at Ben and Jerry's. It is a cool thing they do each spring to get to try some of the new flavors or have the classics they only offer in summer. While I did have time to make the journey today, I just wasn't motivated to have that enjoyment. Isn't that odd since ice cream is usually comforting thing. Just really realizing what Abbie faced and is facing is just crappy. Attacks on people within hours of the shootings is just a horrible part of American free speech. Lets not complain that Bush went to VA. Lets not complain the day of shootings about the communication of the administration. Lets not make this a political battle about guns. Maybe, ice cream should have been passed out to the reporters in VA to be able to make the quiet for while.
Let the ice cream by cold not the reporters.

What is a date?

2007-04-08T22:26:00.000-05:00

Something that is really annoying is when two people of the opposite sex can't go do an activity together without it being called a date. Granted I'll use the date word for saying when I do anything with just one other person...male or female. I resent that people make the assumption that it is a romantic interest date when the person is male and it is just the two of us. It is possible to play games, have dinner, go bowling, watch a movie, attend a concert, or have conversation with someone of the opposite sex without it being romantic/sexual. I've done it! No wonder I'm forced to be so private with my life.
One of the great things about Meredith (which I know I don't say many good things about it) was being able to develop platonic relationships with the boys of NCSU. Some of them wanted to see how many Meredith events they could get invited to. I worked so hard as a Junior Senator for Male Visitation that I made sure we had boys come visit us to show the success. When visiting Gary, it was just normal like going to another dorm except there were boys. Ok...that is not true because there was a hall bath so that was weird. But watching movies or helping him with a project didn't matter just because he was a boy.
Just would soo like for it to be ok to be normal!

Today's Torture

2007-04-01T06:50:00.000-05:00

I don't really like using the word "torture" when there are so many people fighting a war where this occurs in very harsh and real ways. I like the way the double Ts work together though, so the title sticks.

I do survey's often that friends send instead of writing emails. I like them, and often have fun with them. One of the questions that is asked on many of them is about favorite holiday. Well, there should be a least like holiday also. For that would be today for me.
I hate April 1st/April Fools Day. There is already enough within me to not trust people that making a full day of it just makes me want to go into hiding. My mother woke my sister and I up one year by screaming about a mouse that proved to not be there because it was April Fools. Well, some months later I was awakened again because of a mouse scaring my mother. The second time it was real but I didn't believe her fear. I'm the baby grandkid so teasing and protection is what I receive especially from my male cousins. Last year on April Fools Day, I'm told that there is no money for my expenses. While being sickened with fear for what we'd do next, I kept wondering when he was going to call and stop that sick joke. He never called. Sadly, I despise this day so much that I have a hard time helping kids to enjoy it. Many kids have actual fun with the day, but adults tend to make the day into a competition instead of foolishness.
As Christians, we aren't given a day off to hurt each other. This day could be about being foolish instead. Living the day with joy...wearing clothing that doesn't match, eating with odd utensils, playing a childhood game, or jumping in those rain puddles. If only it didn't have to be about bringing more of a lack of trust into relationships.

So I'm an Austin fan

2007-03-27T12:09:00.000-05:00

The city of Austin not a place a want to be. The man "Austin" is truly someone worth knowing. I don't think it would be appropriate to say that he is where I want to be. yikes! (shhh...Lestlie)
I posted my last communication from Austin. Well after this final show, I had to write again to let him know we still care and believe.
I think I also learned something about myself through watching him. I really do miss being surrounded by people who are similar to me. Even though there are a variety of personalities, at camp, college, and seminary I fit into my clique. There were people that wanted to discuss religious topics in a fun way, people who would talk about new kids items, people who could talk about stupid TV shows and tragedies in life, people who could sense it was time to pray and believe the prayer would work, and people who supported you because they understood not because they were trying to be nice. Common goals and Christ were bonds that we have. I know that I haven't felt that much in six years. I am often a less than person now, and the Christ focus isn't as high. I've never been a "Jesus Freak" but people knew who I was different. I've lost that person and I don't know how to get her back even though I've made some attempts.
When watching Grease:You're the One that I Want, you couldn't tell many of these people were faith based. You could see a different light in some of them. I got to read about how some of them are different. Austin is someone I enjoyed from the beginning, and then he is from the area and a Christian. I do hope God brings him to star on Broadway. If God doesn't, then I hope that Austin does know his walk is making a difference in this world.

http://www.orbitfiles.com/download/id1311878425

**************************************
RE: Still VERY Capable
Body: Ya know, Janna, everyone in the show loves Jesus big time. It was so cool.
Thanks for the encouragement. The whole experience on Grease was life-altering! I made some amazing friends, and some great industry contacts. The phone is ringing off the hook.
Thanks for voting, and for the kind words.

XOXO,
Austin