Recommendations

"The recommendations should address qualities such as spiritual maturity, motivation, self-confidence, initiative and commitment to doing God's work."

I really don't know if I could write a reference for myself. I know that I can and do want to actually follow my calling again, but the process is so frightening. That self-confidence word really makes me want to just stop all of this and forget it. I don't know that I could ever live through having my prayers evaluated again. When the politics aren't involved, I can serve and serve well. I have the motivation and initiative. Even here at the apartments, I have tried to do things with a ministry mindset for the kids. There is terror (really it is terror) within me when I consider being questioned about why Meredith, being fat, and last witnessing opportunity. Last night I tried to convey to others the need for prayer on this, but sadly I know that it is impossible for me to explain the difference of this application process. I know that this is actually worse for me because of NAMB. Hopefully Monday Karen will be able to see the real potential in me and the fear will not be what I present.
pondering: what will it be like when I have to apply to seminary again?

Too Numb for Ice Cream?

Today was free ice cream day at Ben and Jerry's. It is a cool thing they do each spring to get to try some of the new flavors or have the classics they only offer in summer. While I did have time to make the journey today, I just wasn't motivated to have that enjoyment. Isn't that odd since ice cream is usually comforting thing. Just really realizing what Abbie faced and is facing is just crappy. Attacks on people within hours of the shootings is just a horrible part of American free speech. Lets not complain that Bush went to VA. Lets not complain the day of shootings about the communication of the administration. Lets not make this a political battle about guns. Maybe, ice cream should have been passed out to the reporters in VA to be able to make the quiet for while.
Let the ice cream by cold not the reporters.

What is a date?

Something that is really annoying is when two people of the opposite sex can't go do an activity together without it being called a date. Granted I'll use the date word for saying when I do anything with just one other person...male or female. I resent that people make the assumption that it is a romantic interest date when the person is male and it is just the two of us. It is possible to play games, have dinner, go bowling, watch a movie, attend a concert, or have conversation with someone of the opposite sex without it being romantic/sexual. I've done it! No wonder I'm forced to be so private with my life.
One of the great things about Meredith (which I know I don't say many good things about it) was being able to develop platonic relationships with the boys of NCSU. Some of them wanted to see how many Meredith events they could get invited to. I worked so hard as a Junior Senator for Male Visitation that I made sure we had boys come visit us to show the success. When visiting Gary, it was just normal like going to another dorm except there were boys. Ok...that is not true because there was a hall bath so that was weird. But watching movies or helping him with a project didn't matter just because he was a boy.
Just would soo like for it to be ok to be normal!

Today's Torture

I don't really like using the word "torture" when there are so many people fighting a war where this occurs in very harsh and real ways. I like the way the double Ts work together though, so the title sticks.

I do survey's often that friends send instead of writing emails. I like them, and often have fun with them. One of the questions that is asked on many of them is about favorite holiday. Well, there should be a least like holiday also. For that would be today for me.
I hate April 1st/April Fools Day. There is already enough within me to not trust people that making a full day of it just makes me want to go into hiding. My mother woke my sister and I up one year by screaming about a mouse that proved to not be there because it was April Fools. Well, some months later I was awakened again because of a mouse scaring my mother. The second time it was real but I didn't believe her fear. I'm the baby grandkid so teasing and protection is what I receive especially from my male cousins. Last year on April Fools Day, I'm told that there is no money for my expenses. While being sickened with fear for what we'd do next, I kept wondering when he was going to call and stop that sick joke. He never called. Sadly, I despise this day so much that I have a hard time helping kids to enjoy it. Many kids have actual fun with the day, but adults tend to make the day into a competition instead of foolishness.
As Christians, we aren't given a day off to hurt each other. This day could be about being foolish instead. Living the day with joy...wearing clothing that doesn't match, eating with odd utensils, playing a childhood game, or jumping in those rain puddles. If only it didn't have to be about bringing more of a lack of trust into relationships.

So I'm an Austin fan

The city of Austin not a place a want to be. The man "Austin" is truly someone worth knowing. I don't think it would be appropriate to say that he is where I want to be. yikes! (shhh...Lestlie)
I posted my last communication from Austin. Well after this final show, I had to write again to let him know we still care and believe.
I think I also learned something about myself through watching him. I really do miss being surrounded by people who are similar to me. Even though there are a variety of personalities, at camp, college, and seminary I fit into my clique. There were people that wanted to discuss religious topics in a fun way, people who would talk about new kids items, people who could talk about stupid TV shows and tragedies in life, people who could sense it was time to pray and believe the prayer would work, and people who supported you because they understood not because they were trying to be nice. Common goals and Christ were bonds that we have. I know that I haven't felt that much in six years. I am often a less than person now, and the Christ focus isn't as high. I've never been a "Jesus Freak" but people knew who I was different. I've lost that person and I don't know how to get her back even though I've made some attempts.
When watching Grease:You're the One that I Want, you couldn't tell many of these people were faith based. You could see a different light in some of them. I got to read about how some of them are different. Austin is someone I enjoyed from the beginning, and then he is from the area and a Christian. I do hope God brings him to star on Broadway. If God doesn't, then I hope that Austin does know his walk is making a difference in this world.



http://www.orbitfiles.com/download/id1311878425

**************************************
RE: Still VERY Capable
Body: Ya know, Janna, everyone in the show loves Jesus big time. It was so cool.
Thanks for the encouragement. The whole experience on Grease was life-altering! I made some amazing friends, and some great industry contacts. The phone is ringing off the hook.
Thanks for voting, and for the kind words.

XOXO,
Austin

It's Laundry Season

So I was walking around the COM pond the other day. I couldn't believe my eyes when the ducks were totally letting me know that Spring was here and it was time to mate. They were sooo twitterpated! Gosh some of them were soo dang agressive also. Can I be that snippy of a female when a guy jumps at me? One of the ducks did do that flirtation dance and then pounced! Yep...fluff the feathers all purty to get the ladies attention. Sucky that I've been enjoying the fluffing around me lately. Thankfully God has been in control even when not asked and the pouncing hasn't commenced. But oh...the ducky seems to want to do laundry. UGH!

International Hooters

What they aren't serving Kosher? Is that a surprise since so many are made of plastic.

FAN MAIL

LOOKY...I got an email from Grease: You're the one that I Want's Austin!
From:
Austin
http://www.myspace.com/redzuko
Date: Mar 19, 2007 7:35 AM
Date Sent: 3/19/2007 7:35:00 AM
Body:Thank you soo much. I really appreciate the support. I'm overwhelmed right now!-Austin
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: DuckAngel
Date: Mar 18, 2007 5:21 PM
I may have to drive to Alvin tomorrow just to feel the red love. I think it would have been fun to see you in an Island Musical close to home. So glad you have been so positive despite things said about you. I've loved watching you on this show...even if you weren't from so close."
Subject:
RE: YEAH FOR THE TEXAN

Love and Trust

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal... lock it up safe in the coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket... it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable... The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell." - C.S. Lewis

CS Lewis was one smart man. I know this about love and I think that is why trust is such a part of love for me. Even in simple relationships with the Sonic Car Hop gal, a co-worker, or the ducks at COM, I give them kindness/love and in some way I expect that back. Is this the Christian way or am I being jealous? Such an odd thing to encounter hate from people/things that you have done nothing harmful to. At least God still loves us through it all even when we hurt Him.

Celeb Connections

I've had something odd happen since visiting the Rosie Blog. She has it open for people to make comments or ask questions. Three times I have received a response! Isn't that odd? So many people complain about not even hearing a hello, but she picks mine for some reason. Now I don't always agree or understand her responses. It is very interesting to consider the connection that I seem to have to Rosie. It is so odd.

Here is the most recent:
Janna writes:
Rosie…the thing you wish you had but can’t afford is peace and love for all.
tangible
not dreams

Interesting Survey

You Are 60% Boyish and 40% Girlish

You are pretty evenly split down the middle - a total eunuch.Okay, kidding about the eunuch part. But you do get along with both sexes.You reject traditional gender roles. However, you don't actively fight them.You're just you. You don't try to be what people expect you to be.

How'>http://www.blogthings.com/howboyishorgirlishareyouquiz/">How Boyish or Girlish Are You?

Ducky Christmas Finding

Traditional Rubber Duck You are uncomplicated and straightforward. You are the duck other ducks are based on – the quintessential rubber duck. What-type-of-rubber-duck-are-you quiz brought to you by the rubber duck lovers at RubaDuck Click to find out what kind of duck you are!

Family Blog connections

I was given the correct address for a family members blog tonight. How wonderful it is to see pictures of family that I haven't seen in almost 15yrs. These are some very God focused people. Little Sheldonroony is getting married! Yep it kinda still makes my head spin. Heck he posted about having champagne on the boat and I'm think this 10yr old better not be having champagne. So sad that we age but have trouble seeing others as too. Although I love the depth that he has and shares. (yes I know that was poor grammar) He also has that artistic streak that someone needed to have. Seeing his skill in pictures really makes me wonder about the whole Nature/Nurture debate. His great grandma is/was an artist. She tried to develop that in me, her grand daughter. He has that nack for patience and the eye for beauty. Yet, the connection isn't through genes. Makes one wonder if God planned that trait to develop again for a reason. hummm... So much wonderment through loss of connection, but still so much aww.
It sadly also makes me desire more contact with Joyce. Yet, I still don't feel safe mentioning that to my family. hummm...pondering that.

OH how I wish David was still down here! I so miss having insightful laughter with him. An odd thing about that is that we almost had the friendship that is asked for below. Granted we didn't talk a regimented amount. This thing makes me chuckle so much cause I have so many boundaries in frienships and possibly romantic relationships as it it. To put time limits places an even higher lack of value to the relationship. What is tough and odd about that is what are the rules going to be in a group setting? Do I need a stop watch for conversations.? If I go to the bathroom or make a phone call is that time subtracted? I'm sort of an organized person, but I don't use a day planner for my conversations of Friendship except with my mentor. Heck...even with her I know that we aren't going to limit each other with news to share, prayers to make, and joys to share. I praise God for these types of friends! Thanks so much to my friends that took the time to develop a relationship with me. I'll thank God for you as a go to bed tonight.
"I appreciate you and I am glad that God has chosen you so that I have a new sister in Him. I hope you are learning to love God and experience his peace and joy.All I can offer you is a plutonic friendship. And I will do so gladly.... if I thijnk that you are 'safe',My whole life I have only felt safe around women when there was no chance of romantic interest evolving. So my best female friends are either significantly older, or someone who liked me, and then I broke her heart, so that we could be 'just friends'. So if you like me or want to be more that just friends don't email me. I am a flirt, and that maybe wrong since I cannot follow through with a commitment. I am bad a drawing lines, and even though I know that spending too much time together is likely to evolve into more than a friendship; I too often choose to spend too much time with the other.But I would propose that we spend no more than 2 hours talking everyother day.So these are my problems. If you think we can be 'just friends then tell me that.
Wishing you all of God's best,"
of course I deleted the name!

Wal~mart Partner

WOW! I know the head of this decision was not a life time resident of Northwest Arkansas. Discrimination has never been apart of what Sam intended for Wal~mart. His family entertains a variety of people and gives attention to others. I spent a few afternoon or weekend hours with his grandkids. Those boys were always respectful of their friends toys, and they weren't cocky about having money. When I returned inmy first year at Cottey, Helen gave me a hug with words of encouragement for living with Carly. This wasn't about hate or differences, but to love and learn the commonalities. She said I could be strong in my faith and strong in my love for Carly. Living this advice has been one of the best growth points to my faith. Even if something is wrong that doesn't mean I should prevent another from their choices.
So with this new Wal~mart decision, I'm thankful that a stand can be made to show non-hate. However, I'm not thrilled that some other discrimination can occur. I don't think that someone should have their product selected for sale just because it is from a certain group. The decision shouldn't be based on if the person is a purple-people eater, but on the merits of the products.
Overall, I'm glad for this decision for Wal~mart. I hope that I don't get lots of emails in my box from people suggesting a Wal~mart boycott. Clearly, I'll just laugh at think.
To Ponder On: Is this the way I would have felt 12 years ago? or more precisely, how would I feel if I didn't love some lesbians? Do I believe this is biblical and what Jesus would want me to believe?