Questions from a Cottey First Year

These questions are posted on the blog of a current Cottey student. I think it is interesting how it kinda applies for me also. I wanted to consider these questions for myself and with how it relates for my days at Cottey also.

What do I want from life? To follow with will of God. Yeah that is the answer I'm susposed to give. I also want to be happy through that following God. I know that God has the best plan for me but trusting that isn't always easy.
What do I hope to achieve before I die? I would like to have a career that God and I are proud of. I would like to see reconciliation with my family. I want the five people that are on my list of people I worry about their salvation to let me know that they have found God.
What kind of an impact am I hoping to make with my presence on this earth? (see above) I want to know that my career has made a difference in children finding and deepening relationships with God. I want more than two people to see past my facade and get to know the real Janna.
Where do I want to be in ten years? If this is God's plan, I want to have my Masters and be working in Nashville or something similar to Lifeway in 10yrs.
Where do I want to be next year? I seriously hope that I do not move again till it is time to move back to seminary after I move at the end of April. Spiritually I would like to be back(or greater) to where I was Feb.7, 2000.
What about this summer, in two months, where do I want to be then? This is a big question for me also since there will be no close friends at my church when most will be moving in May. I need to know what is going to be the best for me mentally, spiritually, financially in the church I am apart of in June. I would LOVE for my church to license me after hearing them offer to do so for an unknown male.
Why did I choose Cottey, and do those reasons still stand today? The reason that I went to Cottey are in another blog. I know I didn't make the friendships that I had hoped to have made during my time there. I also realize that is partly do to my own decisions and personality as well as things I couldn't control. It did help me alot with dealing with relationships with women through learning that there is a greater acceptance level possible. If I could do Cottey over again, I would. I would do it like to do it differently so that I do have the more lasting friendships. But while I don't have that connection in strong relationships to one or two, I do have a connection that I cherish to fellow alums and PEOs.
Have my experiences as a Cottey frosh (baby blue) been enough for me or do I want to stick it out and come back next year (go Ducks!) despite the cost? This was a hard question for me. Sadly not because of the cost but because our class had become so divided over traditions. I also wasn't aure I could belong in my suite since they were such players. Sticking it out was possible because of the events of my calling in April. I knew I was where I belonged despite the struggles. I needed to learn more so I was to stay.
Will a state school be enough for me?Can I get the same education from a state school that I can get at Cottey? Book wise the same information can be obtained, but the smallness of the school allows leaning on such a greater level. Most students hate music appreciation for it is usually a large and boring class for them. For me it was good and I learned since we only had two in the class. Some of the professors took a real interest in the lives of their students. Even the President of the College knows many of the students by first name. When I transferred to another private women's college, I had been a little more prepared than some of my fellow students in some areas. State schools can be good things..it is all about finding a place of belonging. Perhaps we belong and we don't know it.

School Shootings Suck

What can we learn? What can we do to stop it? Why can't we love those who feel the need to rage? What has changed to have yet another occurence of high school shootings?

I really am mainly filled with questions, saddness, and frustration. Then may not have the reasoning that the shooter went to his school to kill his fellow students, but I don't need their contrived reasoning. I know that the reason as we've sucked at showing and offering love. I'm soo included in that also. The Columbine boys really expressed that for us. They didn't understand that love that Cassie had in her. While Cassie was a testimony in her death, perhaps she didn't have enough along side of her in life to show those boys that love is there. I'm not sure how to make myself be loving to others, but I hope that the children I will be blessed to influence will be able to. The news just makes me wanna growl and pray that we learn to love. More importantly that the love is received in the way it was intended to!
This whole thing is thoughts to consider...grrrr!

14 Days from now is Founders

YIKES!!!!! I know that I am happily excited but the fear of it is also setting in. Oh I wish I knew if Florida or Wheatlake people were coming. I think it is very cool to know that most of the Robbie Rec Rats are coming! 10 years later that can truly be a unified front! Having the Rats there will be interesting for our class in participating in some of the traditions. We weren't allowed to know who they were when we were students, but oddily many of us still pretty much knew. Hopefully some of their FOF will be in attendance also as we try to sing louder and more excited than the Class of '90 and '75. The parade should also be fun since it is a new traditon for our class to experience as a class. While I grew much as a person during my years at Cottey, I don't believe that I have that many close friendships. This was partly my own doing because I was in that growing stage and I wasn't sure how to make connections during all the tradition battles. I truly believe that traditions unify a suite the most unless a suite studies together or goes through other things together. The seniors of the suite do much to set the tone of a suite...this is something that applies well to church. If we want closeness in our small groups, we need to be open and work to find ways of inclusion.

Special at Sagemont

This Sunday I was able to attend worship with another church. This was amazing for me because the feeling was so strong of goodness. As I walked through the hall of the children's building, I felt the joy in the crowd. I could hear some crying but I could also hear some calming and loving words being said. There was laugher and encouragement in the ladies restroom. The feeling of being herded in to the sanctuary wasn't pushy or uncomfortable. I arrived about 10mins before the service began so I had a great middle of front seat. The music was dynamic and we sang choruses and hymns. I secretly chuckled as I only knew one of the songs because of the Glowing Heart CD. There was thought put into how we would worship in song, announcements, prayer, offering, singing, listening, and greeting. The flow was great for there weren't long pauses between the different parts and all parts were of equal importance. With the sermon, the pastor warned that the message could be controversial, but I left wanting to fight to be better in my walk with God. After the message I was still confident in the evidence of my Christian growth, but I also was aware of changes that are needed.
Most importantly I left feeling the love of God was there. I know there are problems there, but I also felt some love between the people. One thing that struck me during the service and after was one thought. I didn't focus on who I am not but who I am. Lately, in my church my focus is on how I'm different from so many of the others...sadly sometimes this is added to by their comments about some of the difference.
I don't know where I'll be attending in May, but I am very thankful that God let me have this burst of faith through being in attendance with Sagemont.

Jealous of a Boy

The other day was one of those tough days. I know that in many ways it is wrong for me to say this, but I was kinda jealous of a friend's grandma dying. I'm somewhat ashamed and terrified to admit that. While I've read in many books that this is normal, I feel so wrong for it. My love for my grandmother hasn't changed. And somewhere in my heart I know that her love hasn't changed although she can't express it most of the time. I'm just seeing that it truly is a long goodbye especially when doctors have given us predictors at least three times about how long she will last. Two of those have been certainly wrong! I know that my freind isn't happy that is gma died. However, there is certainly a peace and relief for the family because of it. I pray that when my gma dies I will know the balance so that my mother understands the sorrow mixed with joy.
Above all else though I know that the only reason I could look forward to the death of someone is because they have a better place to go. I know this isn't true for everyone, but my gma had a wonderful relationship with Jesus and she will be seated with God when she gets to Heaven.
Thought I Ponder: What is the way I'll make the day memorable for me despite it not being memorable for her?

Why Cottey?

Lately, I've been questioned some and questioning some myself about why I went to Cottey and why it is special to me. Especially since I've battled some of the annoying stereotypes about Cottey as I was a student and as an alumnae. I didn't apply for Cottey because I hated boys, was interested in women, or came from a snobby family. Cottey didn't make me hate boys, become a lesbian, or make me think I'm better than others.
I applied to Cottey because it was selective. I needed a challenge, and I knew it wouldn't be automatic acceptance like most state and baptist schools. In fact, I was kinda cocky about being the only one of three to be accepted from my high school. Two other students applied but not accepted. From the brochures, I was drawn to the very small class size, the idea of preparing here for another school, "free" private music lesson, and somewhat the distance. I took my application at the same time that I saw it for the first time. Upon walking around the campus and sleeping in the suites, I knew this is where I wanted to be, where I needed to be. All the other colleges I looked at during my senior year, I only looked at as transfer colleges. The morning that I received a call to tell me I'd been accepted to Cottey, I was almost late for high school because I was so excited. Some how I knew it is where I belonged.
Cottey stays in my heart for so many reasons. This is the place that I had the fewest Christian friends, yet I grew the most in my faith during those two years. To have a senior who loved me as me despite that I was a baptist was a wonderful lesson, for she was an atheist and lesbian. I learned how to have conversations with people that I seemingly had nothing in common with. I learned that respect is given till it is really needed to be taken away. Having an honor code was something that wasn't just a document but a way of life. Interestingly, it was also challenged because of the honor to be shone to friends in traditions. I grew strength in being able to say no to being involved in something. Watching for the outsides taught me much about how to relate to others. I learned how to really have fun during stressful times. Holidays weren't just about going to be with family for their was family right there. After a night in Wichita, I learned better how I should protect my friends. Secrets became more real and knowing which to really keep secret. I accepted my call to full-time ministry while at Cottey. While many times I wish I had stayed in Rosemary Suite, for my gpa would most likely have been much better. I'm grateful for all that I learned and experienced.
I'm thankful that I have a network of alums and PEOs who smile and support me because I am a duck. I made a phone call the other day and I was a nervous wreck till I learned the person on the other end was a PEO. Cottey is special for one of the things I came away with is that I can be honest and be loved even if we disagree. (no things weren't all perfect at Cottey...in fact there was much struggle and battles for my class...but overall there was unity)
thing to ponder: What one nonacademic thing makes Cottey or your college so special? for me it was the getting together to listen to or do a serenade..didn't matter about fights or anything...the singing made us together for a few moments...we were part of the sisterhood

conviction?

"We cannot make good news out of bad practice." - Edward R. Murrow

Yep that is the quote of the day that I read. Isn't that interesting. How true that sharing the good news is much more difficult when not in right relationship or experience.
Clearly the thing to ponder is to know the bad practice that is in my/your life.

Love Won Out #2

After learning some of the poeple who were planning to go, it made me wonder even more if people who want to misinter to the gay/lesbian population get it. While I know that the organization that leads the conference does have understanding and heart, I don't know that pepole who think they are going for the ministry really have that love. It is my hope that those who go will really listen and God will be able to help them show love in thier actions, thoughts, and vocabulary. I know that so many (not just homosexuals) reject God and/or the church because of a lack of loved or even hatred from the church. It is important that we don't value sins differently so that people can love.
I'm loved by some even though I clearly of sins of not treating my body well, unpure thoughts, and at times disrespect. If I can be loved with these things, then I should be loved with any sin. Although who know, I could receive some gossip about me for those areas. During Mardi Gras, I believe I really see this. Since I haven't done Mardi Gras on the island, it is hard to really say I'm being fair. But I don't think it is so evil or wrong for a Christian to take part in the good fun of events. I really loved Mardi Gras in New Orleans. God gives wisdom and strength to avoid parts of it. I've experienced judgements from people because I say that I enjoy Mardi Gras. Where is the love?
Ponder It: What does it take for us to really love the sinner yet help them and ourselves overcome the sins? Very few people make it into being heart friends. A large part of that is trust. But the next level is clearly acceptance. We have got to learn to accept and love people for who God made them as and continue to love them through the process. God may have made them a continual gossiper. We have to love them inspite of disease of gossip and be willing to help them conquer it. This may be more difficult for females, but I think that loving the self as a sinner is toughest. I do know that I have to love me to allow God's grace to work in me. I have to have the view of myself that I'm worthy of love inspite that I am a sinner.

Quote from ER (you can say what you think): "I don't want love without acceptance."
yep...Christians we've screwed up. God's love, that we should share, is only with acceptance. God only allowed His son to die so that he could accept us in to Heaven. We only have to let our judgements die so that we can accept people with love.

Happy Birthday

I really think it is tragic that some parents do not celebrate birthdays with their children. I don't believe it is really a money thing for most of them. In New Orleans, I first experienced this as we were invited to a birthday party in the park. It was a very simple party with a 1/2 price sheet cake and the needed tableware. We provided the punch and cups. It was when we got over there that we discovered there were no candles. I was shocked! Now when we have double digits it is ok not to have candles, but seven year olds shouldn't have to miss out on making a wish. The mission now has birthday candles to use because we said it was something we wanted to leave to share with the people. I have two friends that have had birthdays this week and they haven't really celebrated in their life times. They have parents that could afford it even if simple.
Sooo...a huge shout out of love to the foxy frosh! And huggles to the oh so cool Christian bass player! How I would have loved to get to each of you to give you a party you deserve (even if you don't think you'd like it!). You are both loved sooo much by me!

Love Won Out #1

This is a conference that is happening this weekend in the houston area. It is bothersome in how it is effecting people in the area. My actual thought is that the billboards that some one put up are actually a large part of the problem. I wonder if the person that paid for them actually had attended the conference, for they don't really come across as loving. I also don't get why a conference that people don't know if they want to attend would cost them $50 for one day. So many questions and frustrations with this day that is to be about love.
On first thought though this should be a conference for all not just one segment of society. Love should win out in all our relationships not just certain ones. I understand the point of the title, but I think we miss it because loving winning out is the troublesome area for many relationships.
The thought to really consider is how to let people know what real love is in the face of what doesn't look like love.
*more later

Singles Awareness Day

I hope that everyone had a nice Feb.14th. On Saturday, I got to listen to Focus on the Family's account for kids on the history of this day. Valentine died so that marriages could continue. Insn't it interesting how we know this yet it is still at time difficult for so many to see the importance of marriage. However, I totally don't like the way that we as a society have ruined the holiday be making it about purchases and more so for the woman.
Phillip says I should call it appreciation day instead. But I actually think that this should be a day to the side of Valentines. Perhaps we should give marriage the honor it needs and then give singleness the respect it deserves.
Just a ponderment for myself on this because of the constant need of people to change the status of the singles. Guess they think I'm a second class citizen. oh well...it is ok for them to be wrong.

From the choir loft

Yesterday, Jay stopped me as I was coming in the side of the sanctuary to beg me to come and sing with the choir. He looked as though he had been crying (probably just rubbing his eyes), but my heart went out and I said yes.
While I know I am apart of a dying church, seeing the emptiness upon walking in and looking out at where I prefer to sit was shocking. There are way too many empty seats in our sanctuary. Empty seats means empty souls! I was really just taken aback for a moment because it was so hard for me to fathom how baren the sanctuary was. My third favorite class in seminary was Church Growth. Had I had this view before I took that class I'm sure I would have learned more in that class. The feeling of the blank seats would have motivated me greater in that class. Most of what I do recall I hope to start being able to do more without thinking about the ones who aren't doing and allowing that to slow me down. I seriously miss doing F.A.I.T.H. this semester, but I'd believed being told we were going to do water downed G.R.O.W. in this semester. Clearly, we don't care about the lives of those who are coming for we still do NOTHING but send a form letter to them. That form letter can burn in Hell. Don't give me another program, give me ways to actually contact a person/family!
That is the other thing about being far into the choir loft. I am a greeter type person. I love meeting strangers and trying to connect with them quickly. Usually before service, I'll be up and around and I'll meet a few of the people who have come that sunday. It doesn't matter if they are just there before or after their cruise. The still deserve to be appreciated and given a Godly hand shake of love.
The nonreligious part of singing up there is the lack of freedom. I'm not talking because people can see what one does for that doesn't bug me. But I could hear myself as we were singing and that freaked me out. I got sooo freakin' quiet then. I do enjoy singing joyfully. And that is what I do..I make a joyful noise...sometimes on key, sometime off key. Knowing that I could hear myself be off was scary so I totally begane mouthing or singing very softly the words then. So maybe if I go up there again I can do the tambourine instead!
Thought to consider: What can I conceiveable do so that we have some church growth? Who can I tell about Jesus so that we have that church growth? Numbers isn't what church growth is about...it is about the heart of the people. To see the evidence the heart of our church represented in these numbers saddens me. even more so it saddens God.

Superbowl is Coming

one thing that frustrates me in my life is that I'm not doing much local ministry thing. this is of course do to so many reasons. but this weekend that isn't true. Southern Baptists do something very cool for the Superbowl. They open up the doors and provide warm bowls of Soup or Chili for the homeless. They retitle it Souperbowl. they use it as a time to witness but it isn't one of those annoying times when you have to listen to a boring sermon before you get what you need physically. When I was in New Orleans, I enjoyed everytime that I went to the Brantley Center. There I had conversations with some of the homeless, and it was nice to work along side some of them. I'm not as comfortable in Galveston in sitting down for a conversation, but that may also be that I lack the desire to have small talk about football. Which is why I got a kick out of an advice piece on MSN. http://msn.foxsports.com/nfl/story/3347706?GT1=6083 Thankfully I have found a way I can still use what I can do to help this ministry during the Souperbowl. Thanks to the ice cream machine, that my sister gave me a few years ago, I am able to offer them all a small dish of homemade icecream. Now, I had no idea this is actually that special of a thing. But when I was told that ice cream is a rare thing they get from the shelters in the area, I understood this is what I'd do when I was here. I don't need to bring yet another pan of cornbread. This year we are going to make a little more so that I don't have to be skimpy on the servings. This will be good also because it will allow some fellowship time with those that make it with me.
Thought to Consider: Do I daily look for the way I am to add to blessing others using the talents, abilities, and gifts God has given me? Am I willing to find other ways of fellowship to allow easier sharing of the heart? Yes and Yes...just learning how.

Trust

I awoke today at 5:40am with the main thought of fear. I revealed something that I’ve been contemplating for awhile now to someone. That huge risk of sharing that with her has me terrified. Not because I believe she will hurt me with knowing it by telling others (which she could cause there are always hidden ways to tell others), but because now someone else knows a part of my heart/head. On the surface this may not see bad, but when it touches sin it is terrifying. Thoughts are such an amazing thing that effect my days. When I’m more deep in thought, I know that doing the other tasks of the day become more of a challenge. Perhaps that is why we are to have a church family who loves us no matter what to let us be comfortable saying that we are going through something. We certainly struggle with this in my church. Not only for someone like me who is nervous about trusting people in general, but even to make sure some people feel the love and acceptance although they don’t seem like so many of the others that are there.
To Consider: What makes me allow someone to be trusted? I think it is through paying attention to the values of the person. Hearing what they say when they speak weather it be a time of heart or a time of jokes. If I feel that judgement could be possible, then I'm not gonna reveal about myself. Then it helps to know I've loved which I don't know forsure I one knows this. I wish I was able to allow more into my thoughts/feelings, but this may be one of those things that God is working on with me.

See I Am 29!

You Are 29 Years Old

29 Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe. 13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world. 20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences. 30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more! 40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

What Age Do You Act?

Oddily I thought the ice cream answers would make me younger!