How to Say GoodBye

Do you ever get so frustrated with relationships that you want them to end but can't figure out how to do it?
Well, I'm good at it. Let someone close to you plan to get married. Then let them stop loving you because of who you are. It works really! Only one time has it not worked for me. This one time it didn't work still amazes me.
Seriously, I hold the same views and values during a friendship and then when a friend decides to get married they decide I'm not Christian enough because I don't hold their new views. Shoot this time the intelligence of my wonderful pastor was even called into question. I know married women that are strong women of God with my views, so I know I'm not off the mark and following Satan. To be thrown aside in a relationship allows them the power they claim they don't want.
At least this time it will not hurt as much cause the relationship had already dwindled down to forwards and surveys for the most part. Another bonus is gifts don't have to be purchased when you've been tossed out like garbage for understanding God differently.
There are greys in marriage and church politics. I'm glad that God has shown me Godly people who know how to follow his divine guidance in the bible.

Favorite Show

Odd event as I was reading someone's answer to her favorite television show. One of her answers was Bridezzila. This used to be one of the sweetest persons I knew. She has now become the characters on her favorite show. It is a real shame that occurs to some people.

1st Day with COM Concert Band

I was so nervous today. Not only was it like the first day of school in my mind, but it also was a time when my skills would be put forth. Certainly when one hasn't practiced the clarinet in 10 years, she loses lots of skills that she once had. It could make me sad that I can no longer read sheet music and quickly rip through the notes, but I keep being encouraged that it will come back. One thing I found semi-sad it that my lack of rhythm is holding true still. The songs we've been given to play are evidence that I truly need to develop stronger counting skills. Yet, I still feel somewhat optimistic even though I am certainly the least skilled clarinet player in the bunch. Perhaps as I am able to practice this upcoming week, I will gain confidence again in what is possible to do.
I was meant to be with others and I enjoy playing music with others. While I am afraid of failing at this, I'm currently thankful that Jay asked me to join. I do hope even better things come out of this experience.

NOBTS Rebirth

What great excitement I have in knowing that NOBTS will be having classes on campus starting this Monday! PRAISE THE LORD! I am amazed at how the people of God have supported this educational beacon of light to be rebirthed. In honor of the superb man that is the President of this seminary, I say that wonderful hebrew expression "WOW GOD!" for the speed and generosity in this process. Most of all the heart that has been expressed throughout the blogs of faculty and staff of this amazing campus brings joyful tears to the readers eyes. To know the hardship of ministry is one thing. To live over again and still do what one is called to do is a true testimony. I truly wish I could be on that campus Monday and Tuesday as y'all celebrate all that God has been able to do to get you back leading the leaders.

USC lost to burnt orange

I stayed up tonight for this sad news. UGH UGH UGH. Why couldn't USC have won this game? What an awful thing to have seen! My eye are for the state of Texas not for the tacky school in Austin. Blood should run maroon not orange.
Wrongness!

Jazper News

So Wednesday and Thursday, I keep wondering if I should call up to Bentonville to find out the results of Jazper's growth test. He had a growth on his eye that was removed during Christmas week. Thursday evening after getting Bob and Sally, my mother calls to tell me the news. Jazper does have cancer. I had started to prepare myself mentally for this news when the doctor spoke of the possibilty. My head wasn't ready for the amount of tears that would flow from my eyes. When the test was being sent off, the doctor said that if it was cancer the avgerage life continuance was 2-6mths. My dad is going to pay attention to signs of pain and inactivity to know when the time has come to put Jazper to sleep for good. Who coined that dumb phrase? Jazper will be killed by the vet so that he will not suffer any more. (pets we willingly do this out of love and people we question it? we are a mixed up world.)
Out of all the dogs we had growing up Jazper was totally my choice. His birthday is Sept.26, 1991. I picked him out of his litter, and I may have picked the runt of the bunch. Getting him helped me to find enjoyment about moving to Arkansas. Everyday afterschool I let him into the house with me even though I was only susposed to on really cold days. I would drive by the side of the house just to yell I love you to him when we were going somewhere. When shedding was a problem, I sat with him at the picnic table to brush him and talk to him. After he was hit by a car and came home from surgery, we pulled out the trundle bed so I could sleep next to him during the night. My grandma on my dad's side has done two oil paintings of him. Even though I haven't been able to spend lot of time with him since moving down here, I cherish him very much. When it is time for him to go, I hope the saddness doesn't hurt so much.
I'll post a picture later!

Comment Junk

GRRRRR to the stupid junk comments from advertisers. This is so annoying. I really wished there was a way to block them.

Avon Sucks

When I was doing FAITH with Bay Area Baptist Church, a woman who started selling Avon was on my team. She, of course, asked if I wanted to order. I no longer see her weekly, but I do get her emails from the company for the orders. If I want to get my order, then I need to plan to drive to the area to get it. She did meet me once a little closer down here which is helpful since I had no errands for that area. But what really frustrates me about her having me come all that way to meet her is that I've gone twice now to get stuff, yet she doesn't have one of the items that I want. It is a non-clearance item for a gift. I even said last time that I'd wait to get the new order with it since it was already two weeks late. It sucks that Avon hasn't sent it yet, that I've driven and not received the needed item, and that there doesn't seem to be compensation for this.
The other annoyance is their products aren't as good as they claim. If I purchase something from the dollar store's beauty section, I don't expect it to be the best quality ever. I have been surprised at some good items I have found there. Well the nail polish from Avon doesn't last, the hair minimizin lotion isn't really effective, the french nail manicure set is a joke, and the shoes aren't that comfy.
I love that Avon supports breast cancer support and research, but the care of products for the customer needs to improve greatly.

Random

I know I haven't posted in such a long time. I have in my head but then I decide not to out of time, frustration, or fear. So Today I take on the task of venting some.

One thing that hit me today was how much I need to regain a friendship with someone like me. I used to have this even in seminary. Disagreements are ok to a point, but commonality of values is something I greatly desire. In college and seminary, I had a couple of people in my life that I could bond with just because of core values. I'm getting to a point right now where I don't feel it is emotionally (almost spiritually) safe to be me in my relationships. Why don't have some connections with people who God has created like me? I know that they exist. God, please bring one into my life! What sparked this thought? Really various events of this past year. Tonight was the phone conversation that had a few instances/topics of people trying to convert who I am. As I type this I begin to think that it is a combo of my needing someong of shared values, but also I need to not feel like others are constantly trying to change me.

Tomorrow night I'm going to help serve for this Lighthouse of Love thing that my new church does. While I am most certainly excited about having another way to serve with this church I adore, I'm aware that I could/should be one of the people attending this event. I began to feel so out of place in this church when people began asking for volunteers for it. Would these people who are coming from Emerald Pointe know that I'm not better off than most of them? Just seems odd to me.

The little boy that comes over here to play often made some cookies with me the other day. It was a sweet time as he also helped me decorate the doors. I really hope that I can find some more ways to talk to him about Christ as he comes over during this holiday season.

Point to Ponder: you tell me!

My Question Posted on Ask Matt

The link will only work till Nov.17 but I've cut and pasted it below. It is so exciting to see my name in public form. So interesting to be responded to. I respect and understand his view even though I don't agree. But I'm very thrilled just to see my name on it. Having someone give value to my thoughts is important to me.

Question: A thought hit me a few weeks ago about the show Reba. Perhaps you and other critics should recommend this show to the more conservative viewers. While the humor isn't always top-notch, it is a comedy that has values. The WB should stick it after 7th Heaven instead. To me, Reba is similar to Touched by an Angel in that the show quality isn't always superior, but it does entertain and have values. Would critics such as yourself be able to suggest this show to those viewers seeking shows without the trash found in many popular shows? — Janna
Matt Roush: Consider that message spread — but by you, not by me. I like Reba well enough, but I wouldn't go out of my way to praise it for its "values." I don't judge shows that way, and I certainly don't intend to skew my opinions for a conservative or nonconservative mind-set — although I guess it's pretty evident that many of us champion shows that push the envelope. Besides, there are those who would no doubt take offense at Reba because it deals with divorce, adultery, teen pregnancy, etc. You never know who'll be offended by what, so I'd just as soon deal with a show like Reba on the basis of it being a likably mainstream but unexceptional sitcom (while noting the enormous appeal of its title star).

Friends and Fat

a vent:
I'm torn with frustration at this time. I have almost always been a fat chick. I was an overweight preteen, teen, college student, young woman, and now. It is amazing to me to hear some of the things some people will say to me. I truly have grown somewhat immune to comments from strangers. However, when little statements come from those I think love me, I just want to block out that person. Does she understand that it hurts me when she says something about my eating habits? Does she get that I know I'm fat and unhealthy? Does she comprehend how I love swimming but have to talk myself into having the emotional strength to go with her? I hate that I have gained about 30 pounds since moving down here. Most of that is from lack of activity and some emotional eating. When people talk about my grandma they talk about her cooking the most. When I get home, I feel I need chocolate of some sort to make my evening better. I am really not a cook, but I've received the most encouragement and appreciation from making ice cream. Do you know how screwed up that is? I used to really enjoy walking with Carmen because I didn't feel like I was exercising overall. Yes, a friend can care about my health and even the ickiness of my being fat, but it would be so much better for me if she talked directly about it in love and not about my food choices in a judgemental way.

My Mentor Turns 50

Tonight was the Surprise Birthday party for the woman I have admired the most in my adult years. God called her into Fulltime ministry when she was in college. I met her while she was the Children's Pastor in my church in Arkansas. She was a wonderful leader in that church. There are so many times that I was in awe of her devotion to God as she carried on her tasks for God. She also gave me many opportunities of service when I was in high school. After I battled God and accepted my call to ministry, she invited me for a luncheon where she shared about being a female in ministry and about children's ministry. She also gave me this sheet about priorities that I had lamenated and even now is attached on the wall next to my desk. While I was in college, she left her position at that church to begin her role as a children's counselor. She still does this in the Arkansas area. My sister also became close friends with her as they went to church together. I think it is good this happened as it enabled me to be able to keep in contact with her more easily. She is also a Breast Cancer Survivor. She has had it 3 different times. It has been very tough on her, but she has been able to continually find strength in God even in the crappy times. I truly admire the woman that she is. God just make change her into an angel in Heaven for she is already some that glows well for Him.
Martha, you are loved!

New Church Baptism

Today, I was encouraged again with the decision to join University Baptist Church. Not only was it great to have a baptism during the service, the way it is done is encouraging. The Children's minster, who is a female, was the one in the baptismal! VERY WONDERFUL TO SEE! This church has a variety of people doing the baptism services. I actually haven't seen the senior pastor do it yet. For me it is very positive to recognize the role of many in the church who help leave and develop seeds of faith. Besides the variety of those performing the service, in the congregation the family and those having a role in spiritual development stand. I love this! It is great for a church to recognize the importance of all its members.

ASTROS WIN

All over houston you could hear people in shock and excitement. Our Bs have done it...they are in the World Series! I'm sooo excited for them and for all those that have diligently supported them. What a wonderful accomplishment to finally happen for this team. WHOOHOOO!
I had a wonderful time tonight watching the game with some friends. It was great to catch up with them on life and to meet some new people while every so often having my eyes glance at the television. I am glad that I was invited for this fun time of fellowship and to see a little bit of history being made.
Way to go 'stros!!!

A New little Survey

My online friend Julie composed a new survey thing for this group of online friends I've have for the last four years. We called ourselves the Quad after meeting in a Christian chat room. It is kinda funny that we all hooked up. I still don't get why we are all connected, but we flirt with still being connected as friends. We've been through a marriage, two births, horrible breakups, and a divorce since meeting online. I do believe there can be real relationships found in chatting conversations. Sadly they are just hard to find. BUT this is the little questionaire that she created after I answered yet another survey that is so common with some not so nice answers. Because this has real questions of value, I thought it would be good of me to put it on here. Yes, it does scare me a little. When it ask for extreme answers of best and worst, I may not be giving exactly truth on this as I may be protecting others or myself. But it would fit in the spectrum of the answer.
1. What did you want to be for a living when you were in highschool? I wanted to be a lobbyist (went to college with this mindset) or a hostess for the UN (foreign languages changed that dream).
2. If you could change your profession now, what would you be doing? EASY! I'd be a Children's Minister.
3. What gift would you never want to get again? as not wanting to offend the giver I shall not answer this
4. What do people remember you for that you wish they wouldn't? The funny embarrassing stories don't bother me most of the time when shared. I do regret that people recall and try to use against me when I threw a glass bottle of sprite at my sixth youth minister.
5. What do you do when you're lonely? Get on the phone or chat on the computer.
6. What is your biggest regret? (not sure if biggest is sharable) I regret the impact my decision to go to Meredith has had on my life.
7. When you die, what song do you want sung at your funeral? hummm..just one song? I have g-ma's list with about 7 songs she wasn't sung or played. He Is Here sung by everyone and there is the Geoff Moore song that I've always liked but I can't think of the title right now...when I figure it out I'll let you know
8. What is your greatest accomplishment? accepting my call to ministry...odd how what I thought would be my greatest personal defeat isn't guess I'll have to keep learning that one as I stop trying to make God think He doesn't know what He is doing
9. Where do you want to be in 5 years? Completed my master's degree (I was saying that 5yrs ago..ugh) and have a career job that fits my ministry area. And to have going the knowledge and faith that I should have increased during these 6yrs of being here.
10. What is your favorite thing about where you're living now? All the space and I can afford it.
11. What is your least favorite thing about where you're living now? the distance from church (so the lonliness somewhat)
12. What would you miss the most if you lost it (not including people)? Loading up your car for a hurricane evacuation will make you think about this one materially. But helping with the hurricane's aftermath, I'd say water. Perhaps, ice would be the better answer since that way it could be cold and then melted to water.
13. What are you really talented at? Coming up with at the moment activities for children.
14. What "motto" do you try to live by? I'm sure that a motto could be applied to my life but I don't live by one.
15. If you were going to start up a little shop, what would you sell? Homemade Ice Cream...no plain chocolate of vanilla available
16. What do you argue with your parents about the most? probably a tie about how much we talk on the phone and if I get enough personal time
17. Do you want any (or any more) children? No! I am not going through that pain!
18. What is the #1 thing you want your children (or the children around you) to learn? What a real relationship with Jesus Christ is and to make it work for them.
19. If you could to go school and learn something just for the fun of it (completely unrelated to work) what would you learn about? Sewing (but I don't think it would be fun...just cost effective)
20. What is the most touching thing anyone has ever done for you? ;) gave me a bath! lots of touching involved with that. emotionally, I'd have to say kept/still keeping a secret and loving me anyways.