Get a Job/Career

It has been plenty of time since I was in seminary. Six years since leaving. Six years since the confusion, doubt, and anger began. God did an amazing thing by getting me to come here to take care of my grandma for these years. There has been high amounts of inner dialogue for me. Sadly, I haven't really had an outlet for the thoughts to process them safely. Yet now I'm considering applying for a staff position at my church. We are hiring for what I totally believe God called me to children's and preschool minister positions. Just gotta start praying about God giving me the strength and trust to apply.

I may put more on this later.

Robbie Rats in Vegas

I'd link you to the pictures, but people have to be a Cottey alumnae to be able to see them!
The Robbie Rec Rats from '85 to '90 met together in Vegas for a fun little reunion. It is clear that they had a great time. It is neat to see and be reminded how bonds are among them even though they weren't all in school at the same time together. About 12 of them are in the pictures connecting like they did 20 yrs ago. Some have changed to be much more conservative in actions (and probably thought) but the bond of the relationships is clear. One of the funniest things is looking at how they sort of dressed similar for the various activities and days of being there. Even though I wasn't an RRR, I cherish the memories I have of them fighting for traditions. I love the moments that I still get to spend with them. I am thankful for the impact of friendships that they have had on my life.

There When You Need Me

"I'm your friend. I'll be there for you when you need me." Isn't it funny how people say this? Oddily, we forget who determines that need. Often, we mean when we think the other needs us. Being willing to be there when it is difficult is when the true friendship arises. Many times in the past couple of years I've had people say that they will be there for me when I need them. The stupid part of that statement is that they are referring to the funeral.
A funeral is just like a wedding...a stupid ceremony. With a wedding the special stuff is the prep time and the cleaning up stuff. A friend doesn't just attend. With a funeral it is the before death help and the clean up after. A friend doesn't just send a card. Supporting a friend in her career is done the consistent encouragement and willingness to listen to the painful times. A friend doesn't just celebrate the finished work.
During my time down here three times stand out to me where the being there for the friend was real. One was a phone call that I received as my friend was driving home. She needed someone to listen to about fun life stuff, so I talked for about 20minutes till she got home to her husband. I was tired and love to share heart things with her, but I needed to be there for her. Another time was when I came into the Tuna House after a crappy day of taking gma to the doctor and dealing with incompetent nurses. I lived with 3 nurses. Thankfully, they were home this night. I told them I needed to be with people and be loved, but I needed them to not talk about their hospital work. I curled up next to them on the couch and we laughed some and they reminded each other to not be medical. The other one was with Rita because I didn't really know what I needed. The offer for someone to go get gas for me with I rested a little more was really being there for me when I didn't even know it.
I'm going to work on making sure I only say this statement when I mean it.

What a Weekend

Lori invited me to join her for the Mardi Gras Fun Run/Walk in Galveston on Saturday. Since I knew I was able to walk 3miles, I said sure. Oh my...to the actual exprience of it. As I'm leaving to head to the island, I called Lori to verify that we were still doing this since it was raining. She said of course! Oh my...exercisers are insane! The fun walk was FREEZING this morning. Walking on the seawall in the rain when there is a wind chill of 39F is a bit stupid! Four layers on top and I was wet down to my skin! I was very surprised that I was able to wring water out of my bra strap. The slow steady rain just soaked right through. I really wanted to stop before we had even gone a mile because my muscles were in pain with the cold. If it hadn't been for the perservance of Lori, I most likely would have said no way. I was jealous of those people walking with Starbucks even though I hate coffee. I want to go walk that same path in normal weather just to see how I would handle it. I know I'm a fat chick, but I know that I can walk a good distance before I want to die. Now, I have to reassure myself of this.
Saturday night I went to do gaming after setting up my Weekend Bible Study class. It was interesting how without even thinking I was able to go into a non-competitive at all costs mode. Normally, when I play games, I look for any edge so that I can win. This night I was learning some of the games and the need to win didn't overpower me. I'm curious how this will impact my future gaming times with the group.
WHOOP! Also got a free printer to donate to the teachers at Sante Fe Middle School.
On Sunday, my 2nd grade Weekend Bible Study class surprised me with some good questions that allowed the Adam and Eve story to not be so repetitive. We talked about what temptation was. It was interesting to see how temptation effected them. I didn't think I could be encouraged in faith with this story, but the discussion with these children reminded me of my own faults of temptation. I hope I don't cheat these children or myself by not giving some solutions on dealing with choice making as we complete the choice discussion next week.

Survival of today...Feb. 8.

It has been 6 yrs since I received the rejection letter from NAMB a day after the acceptance letter. Six years since the organization I had supported and loved questioned my faith. Six years since a month of crying and confusion over specualtion of God's love for me. Six years since I learned to really value my personal relationship with God without thought to other's perceptions.
Today was sort of amazing because I thought about the significance of today when I flipped over the calendar. I prayed right then for strength and for God to help me not think of the past today. God blessed me today through answered prayer. Not until I was driving home from work did I realize again that today way Feb.8th. I think somehow I missed it on the talk shows and news. What a charge for my faith to be reminded that God is love and that he loves me. PFFFFFTTTT to those that negate my relationship with Him. I'm thrilled that God has these wonderful female qualities to help me be the person He has designed me to be.
After I came home for a bit, I was able to have some me time at a lake near here. This was a pleasant time for me to walk around singing praises and stop to read a chapter of a book that is teaching me more about myself. I did not dread today and I'm not saying good bye to this day with tears about failed preceptions and dreams. While I do wish a friend or two could have let me know they were thinking of me today. I'm glad that God let me know that he was thinking about me.

Scary at how much is true

My Five Factor Personality Profile

Extroversion: You have medium extroversion.You're not the life of the party, but you do show up for the party.Sometimes you are full of energy and open to new social experiences.But you also need to hibernate and enjoy your "down time." Conscientiousness: You have medium conscientiousness.You're generally good at balancing work and play.When you need to buckle down, you can usually get tasks done.But you've been known to goof off when you know you can get away with it. Agreeableness: You have medium agreeableness.You're generally a friendly and trusting person.But you also have a healthy dose of cynicism.You get along well with others, as long as they play fair. Neuroticism: You have medium neuroticism.You're generally cool and collected, but sometimes you do panic.Little worries or problems can consume you, draining your energy.Your life is pretty smooth, but there's a few emotional bumps you'd like to get rid of. Openness to experience: Your openness to new experiences is high.In life, you tend to be an early adopter of all new things and ideas.You'll try almost anything interesting, and you're constantly pushing your own limits.A great connoisseir of art and beauty, you can find the positive side of almost anything.

How to Say GoodBye

Do you ever get so frustrated with relationships that you want them to end but can't figure out how to do it?
Well, I'm good at it. Let someone close to you plan to get married. Then let them stop loving you because of who you are. It works really! Only one time has it not worked for me. This one time it didn't work still amazes me.
Seriously, I hold the same views and values during a friendship and then when a friend decides to get married they decide I'm not Christian enough because I don't hold their new views. Shoot this time the intelligence of my wonderful pastor was even called into question. I know married women that are strong women of God with my views, so I know I'm not off the mark and following Satan. To be thrown aside in a relationship allows them the power they claim they don't want.
At least this time it will not hurt as much cause the relationship had already dwindled down to forwards and surveys for the most part. Another bonus is gifts don't have to be purchased when you've been tossed out like garbage for understanding God differently.
There are greys in marriage and church politics. I'm glad that God has shown me Godly people who know how to follow his divine guidance in the bible.

Favorite Show

Odd event as I was reading someone's answer to her favorite television show. One of her answers was Bridezzila. This used to be one of the sweetest persons I knew. She has now become the characters on her favorite show. It is a real shame that occurs to some people.

1st Day with COM Concert Band

I was so nervous today. Not only was it like the first day of school in my mind, but it also was a time when my skills would be put forth. Certainly when one hasn't practiced the clarinet in 10 years, she loses lots of skills that she once had. It could make me sad that I can no longer read sheet music and quickly rip through the notes, but I keep being encouraged that it will come back. One thing I found semi-sad it that my lack of rhythm is holding true still. The songs we've been given to play are evidence that I truly need to develop stronger counting skills. Yet, I still feel somewhat optimistic even though I am certainly the least skilled clarinet player in the bunch. Perhaps as I am able to practice this upcoming week, I will gain confidence again in what is possible to do.
I was meant to be with others and I enjoy playing music with others. While I am afraid of failing at this, I'm currently thankful that Jay asked me to join. I do hope even better things come out of this experience.

NOBTS Rebirth

What great excitement I have in knowing that NOBTS will be having classes on campus starting this Monday! PRAISE THE LORD! I am amazed at how the people of God have supported this educational beacon of light to be rebirthed. In honor of the superb man that is the President of this seminary, I say that wonderful hebrew expression "WOW GOD!" for the speed and generosity in this process. Most of all the heart that has been expressed throughout the blogs of faculty and staff of this amazing campus brings joyful tears to the readers eyes. To know the hardship of ministry is one thing. To live over again and still do what one is called to do is a true testimony. I truly wish I could be on that campus Monday and Tuesday as y'all celebrate all that God has been able to do to get you back leading the leaders.

USC lost to burnt orange

I stayed up tonight for this sad news. UGH UGH UGH. Why couldn't USC have won this game? What an awful thing to have seen! My eye are for the state of Texas not for the tacky school in Austin. Blood should run maroon not orange.
Wrongness!

Jazper News

So Wednesday and Thursday, I keep wondering if I should call up to Bentonville to find out the results of Jazper's growth test. He had a growth on his eye that was removed during Christmas week. Thursday evening after getting Bob and Sally, my mother calls to tell me the news. Jazper does have cancer. I had started to prepare myself mentally for this news when the doctor spoke of the possibilty. My head wasn't ready for the amount of tears that would flow from my eyes. When the test was being sent off, the doctor said that if it was cancer the avgerage life continuance was 2-6mths. My dad is going to pay attention to signs of pain and inactivity to know when the time has come to put Jazper to sleep for good. Who coined that dumb phrase? Jazper will be killed by the vet so that he will not suffer any more. (pets we willingly do this out of love and people we question it? we are a mixed up world.)
Out of all the dogs we had growing up Jazper was totally my choice. His birthday is Sept.26, 1991. I picked him out of his litter, and I may have picked the runt of the bunch. Getting him helped me to find enjoyment about moving to Arkansas. Everyday afterschool I let him into the house with me even though I was only susposed to on really cold days. I would drive by the side of the house just to yell I love you to him when we were going somewhere. When shedding was a problem, I sat with him at the picnic table to brush him and talk to him. After he was hit by a car and came home from surgery, we pulled out the trundle bed so I could sleep next to him during the night. My grandma on my dad's side has done two oil paintings of him. Even though I haven't been able to spend lot of time with him since moving down here, I cherish him very much. When it is time for him to go, I hope the saddness doesn't hurt so much.
I'll post a picture later!

Comment Junk

GRRRRR to the stupid junk comments from advertisers. This is so annoying. I really wished there was a way to block them.

Avon Sucks

When I was doing FAITH with Bay Area Baptist Church, a woman who started selling Avon was on my team. She, of course, asked if I wanted to order. I no longer see her weekly, but I do get her emails from the company for the orders. If I want to get my order, then I need to plan to drive to the area to get it. She did meet me once a little closer down here which is helpful since I had no errands for that area. But what really frustrates me about her having me come all that way to meet her is that I've gone twice now to get stuff, yet she doesn't have one of the items that I want. It is a non-clearance item for a gift. I even said last time that I'd wait to get the new order with it since it was already two weeks late. It sucks that Avon hasn't sent it yet, that I've driven and not received the needed item, and that there doesn't seem to be compensation for this.
The other annoyance is their products aren't as good as they claim. If I purchase something from the dollar store's beauty section, I don't expect it to be the best quality ever. I have been surprised at some good items I have found there. Well the nail polish from Avon doesn't last, the hair minimizin lotion isn't really effective, the french nail manicure set is a joke, and the shoes aren't that comfy.
I love that Avon supports breast cancer support and research, but the care of products for the customer needs to improve greatly.

Random

I know I haven't posted in such a long time. I have in my head but then I decide not to out of time, frustration, or fear. So Today I take on the task of venting some.

One thing that hit me today was how much I need to regain a friendship with someone like me. I used to have this even in seminary. Disagreements are ok to a point, but commonality of values is something I greatly desire. In college and seminary, I had a couple of people in my life that I could bond with just because of core values. I'm getting to a point right now where I don't feel it is emotionally (almost spiritually) safe to be me in my relationships. Why don't have some connections with people who God has created like me? I know that they exist. God, please bring one into my life! What sparked this thought? Really various events of this past year. Tonight was the phone conversation that had a few instances/topics of people trying to convert who I am. As I type this I begin to think that it is a combo of my needing someong of shared values, but also I need to not feel like others are constantly trying to change me.

Tomorrow night I'm going to help serve for this Lighthouse of Love thing that my new church does. While I am most certainly excited about having another way to serve with this church I adore, I'm aware that I could/should be one of the people attending this event. I began to feel so out of place in this church when people began asking for volunteers for it. Would these people who are coming from Emerald Pointe know that I'm not better off than most of them? Just seems odd to me.

The little boy that comes over here to play often made some cookies with me the other day. It was a sweet time as he also helped me decorate the doors. I really hope that I can find some more ways to talk to him about Christ as he comes over during this holiday season.

Point to Ponder: you tell me!