So I'm an Austin fan

The city of Austin not a place a want to be. The man "Austin" is truly someone worth knowing. I don't think it would be appropriate to say that he is where I want to be. yikes! (shhh...Lestlie)
I posted my last communication from Austin. Well after this final show, I had to write again to let him know we still care and believe.
I think I also learned something about myself through watching him. I really do miss being surrounded by people who are similar to me. Even though there are a variety of personalities, at camp, college, and seminary I fit into my clique. There were people that wanted to discuss religious topics in a fun way, people who would talk about new kids items, people who could talk about stupid TV shows and tragedies in life, people who could sense it was time to pray and believe the prayer would work, and people who supported you because they understood not because they were trying to be nice. Common goals and Christ were bonds that we have. I know that I haven't felt that much in six years. I am often a less than person now, and the Christ focus isn't as high. I've never been a "Jesus Freak" but people knew who I was different. I've lost that person and I don't know how to get her back even though I've made some attempts.
When watching Grease:You're the One that I Want, you couldn't tell many of these people were faith based. You could see a different light in some of them. I got to read about how some of them are different. Austin is someone I enjoyed from the beginning, and then he is from the area and a Christian. I do hope God brings him to star on Broadway. If God doesn't, then I hope that Austin does know his walk is making a difference in this world.



http://www.orbitfiles.com/download/id1311878425

**************************************
RE: Still VERY Capable
Body: Ya know, Janna, everyone in the show loves Jesus big time. It was so cool.
Thanks for the encouragement. The whole experience on Grease was life-altering! I made some amazing friends, and some great industry contacts. The phone is ringing off the hook.
Thanks for voting, and for the kind words.

XOXO,
Austin

It's Laundry Season

So I was walking around the COM pond the other day. I couldn't believe my eyes when the ducks were totally letting me know that Spring was here and it was time to mate. They were sooo twitterpated! Gosh some of them were soo dang agressive also. Can I be that snippy of a female when a guy jumps at me? One of the ducks did do that flirtation dance and then pounced! Yep...fluff the feathers all purty to get the ladies attention. Sucky that I've been enjoying the fluffing around me lately. Thankfully God has been in control even when not asked and the pouncing hasn't commenced. But oh...the ducky seems to want to do laundry. UGH!

International Hooters

What they aren't serving Kosher? Is that a surprise since so many are made of plastic.

FAN MAIL

LOOKY...I got an email from Grease: You're the one that I Want's Austin!
From:
Austin
http://www.myspace.com/redzuko
Date: Mar 19, 2007 7:35 AM
Date Sent: 3/19/2007 7:35:00 AM
Body:Thank you soo much. I really appreciate the support. I'm overwhelmed right now!-Austin
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: DuckAngel
Date: Mar 18, 2007 5:21 PM
I may have to drive to Alvin tomorrow just to feel the red love. I think it would have been fun to see you in an Island Musical close to home. So glad you have been so positive despite things said about you. I've loved watching you on this show...even if you weren't from so close."
Subject:
RE: YEAH FOR THE TEXAN

Love and Trust

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal... lock it up safe in the coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket... it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable... The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell." - C.S. Lewis

CS Lewis was one smart man. I know this about love and I think that is why trust is such a part of love for me. Even in simple relationships with the Sonic Car Hop gal, a co-worker, or the ducks at COM, I give them kindness/love and in some way I expect that back. Is this the Christian way or am I being jealous? Such an odd thing to encounter hate from people/things that you have done nothing harmful to. At least God still loves us through it all even when we hurt Him.

Celeb Connections

I've had something odd happen since visiting the Rosie Blog. She has it open for people to make comments or ask questions. Three times I have received a response! Isn't that odd? So many people complain about not even hearing a hello, but she picks mine for some reason. Now I don't always agree or understand her responses. It is very interesting to consider the connection that I seem to have to Rosie. It is so odd.

Here is the most recent:
Janna writes:
Rosie…the thing you wish you had but can’t afford is peace and love for all.
tangible
not dreams

Interesting Survey

You Are 60% Boyish and 40% Girlish

You are pretty evenly split down the middle - a total eunuch.Okay, kidding about the eunuch part. But you do get along with both sexes.You reject traditional gender roles. However, you don't actively fight them.You're just you. You don't try to be what people expect you to be.

How'>http://www.blogthings.com/howboyishorgirlishareyouquiz/">How Boyish or Girlish Are You?

Ducky Christmas Finding

Traditional Rubber Duck You are uncomplicated and straightforward. You are the duck other ducks are based on – the quintessential rubber duck. What-type-of-rubber-duck-are-you quiz brought to you by the rubber duck lovers at RubaDuck Click to find out what kind of duck you are!

Family Blog connections

I was given the correct address for a family members blog tonight. How wonderful it is to see pictures of family that I haven't seen in almost 15yrs. These are some very God focused people. Little Sheldonroony is getting married! Yep it kinda still makes my head spin. Heck he posted about having champagne on the boat and I'm think this 10yr old better not be having champagne. So sad that we age but have trouble seeing others as too. Although I love the depth that he has and shares. (yes I know that was poor grammar) He also has that artistic streak that someone needed to have. Seeing his skill in pictures really makes me wonder about the whole Nature/Nurture debate. His great grandma is/was an artist. She tried to develop that in me, her grand daughter. He has that nack for patience and the eye for beauty. Yet, the connection isn't through genes. Makes one wonder if God planned that trait to develop again for a reason. hummm... So much wonderment through loss of connection, but still so much aww.
It sadly also makes me desire more contact with Joyce. Yet, I still don't feel safe mentioning that to my family. hummm...pondering that.

OH how I wish David was still down here! I so miss having insightful laughter with him. An odd thing about that is that we almost had the friendship that is asked for below. Granted we didn't talk a regimented amount. This thing makes me chuckle so much cause I have so many boundaries in frienships and possibly romantic relationships as it it. To put time limits places an even higher lack of value to the relationship. What is tough and odd about that is what are the rules going to be in a group setting? Do I need a stop watch for conversations.? If I go to the bathroom or make a phone call is that time subtracted? I'm sort of an organized person, but I don't use a day planner for my conversations of Friendship except with my mentor. Heck...even with her I know that we aren't going to limit each other with news to share, prayers to make, and joys to share. I praise God for these types of friends! Thanks so much to my friends that took the time to develop a relationship with me. I'll thank God for you as a go to bed tonight.
"I appreciate you and I am glad that God has chosen you so that I have a new sister in Him. I hope you are learning to love God and experience his peace and joy.All I can offer you is a plutonic friendship. And I will do so gladly.... if I thijnk that you are 'safe',My whole life I have only felt safe around women when there was no chance of romantic interest evolving. So my best female friends are either significantly older, or someone who liked me, and then I broke her heart, so that we could be 'just friends'. So if you like me or want to be more that just friends don't email me. I am a flirt, and that maybe wrong since I cannot follow through with a commitment. I am bad a drawing lines, and even though I know that spending too much time together is likely to evolve into more than a friendship; I too often choose to spend too much time with the other.But I would propose that we spend no more than 2 hours talking everyother day.So these are my problems. If you think we can be 'just friends then tell me that.
Wishing you all of God's best,"
of course I deleted the name!

Wal~mart Partner

WOW! I know the head of this decision was not a life time resident of Northwest Arkansas. Discrimination has never been apart of what Sam intended for Wal~mart. His family entertains a variety of people and gives attention to others. I spent a few afternoon or weekend hours with his grandkids. Those boys were always respectful of their friends toys, and they weren't cocky about having money. When I returned inmy first year at Cottey, Helen gave me a hug with words of encouragement for living with Carly. This wasn't about hate or differences, but to love and learn the commonalities. She said I could be strong in my faith and strong in my love for Carly. Living this advice has been one of the best growth points to my faith. Even if something is wrong that doesn't mean I should prevent another from their choices.
So with this new Wal~mart decision, I'm thankful that a stand can be made to show non-hate. However, I'm not thrilled that some other discrimination can occur. I don't think that someone should have their product selected for sale just because it is from a certain group. The decision shouldn't be based on if the person is a purple-people eater, but on the merits of the products.
Overall, I'm glad for this decision for Wal~mart. I hope that I don't get lots of emails in my box from people suggesting a Wal~mart boycott. Clearly, I'll just laugh at think.
To Ponder On: Is this the way I would have felt 12 years ago? or more precisely, how would I feel if I didn't love some lesbians? Do I believe this is biblical and what Jesus would want me to believe?

Secrets

I truly hate that life has to have secrets. Generally I keep more to myself than I may need to because I don't know who is there to be trusted. Just because you trust someone with something personal doesn't mean that I trust that person knowing my thoughts/feelings. That website that posts postcards of secrets sometimes reflects how I feel with life. Working to make life beeter is tough and not feeling safe in being able to share with others is tough. I don't even know how to seek advice in some areas of my life right now for I don't know what is safe to share or with who. So secrets usually make relationships stronger for me because I know that the person who knows them values me. Now, I'm not quite sure there is strength there because I don't know that the words are kept.
Maybe I can think of how this relates to my purpose later. If you know how then you can suggest it in email.

NEWS THAT SUCKS

So Dr.Mandi asked me if I knew how long I could be out of seminary. I hadn't even thought about it. I came here because it was God's timing for me to get away from the theft of Amy Labella, have distance from the fundamentalism hatred of the SBC, and to heal from my NAMB experience while showing love to my gma. So now I begin to think about the future and based on her questioning, I look into it. This is the awful news I find:
"Former students who have been out of the seminary for one year or more must file a new application and must re-enter under the latest Catalog."
Certainly doesn't make me feel as though I want to have a purpose to God when I feel life was wasted while in seminary. UGH!

Joyce

I find myself almost having to blog on this. Actually, I've gotten up out of bed to do this. There have been many times in the last few months that I've thought of things to blog. However, tonight I need to talk and at least I know my computer can listen. Granted I'm not sure how much I trust the computer with my thoughts/feelings.
Soooo...who is Joyce?
Well, she is someone I admired for many years of my life. I strived to be smart, helpful, creative, and encouraing like her. Even though she is outwardly beautiful and highly successful, I never felt less than able to become more like her. She always had a smile for me and helped me to feel that I could be all God wanted me to be. That I would find happiness and success in whatever area of work I went in. Because she is accomplished in business and a supporter of all women being educated, I desired for her to cap me when I graduated from Cottey. She disappointed me greatly when she felt she needed to make the decision not to come to my Cottey graduation weekend. Even though I still hurt from this, we kept in contact for about two more years. It wasn't much contact as I was in Raliegh and she has always hated writing emails/letters. We, maybe more so me, stopped communicating. I don't have a reason other than it being hard and awkward. Ever since moving back to Texas in 2000, I have used the computer to try to find her. I attempted way back in 2000 to use numbers that I did have but they weren't able to lead me to her. Although, I've thought of her almost weekly I didn't get the idea to Google her till about three months ago. Boom! Success! I found out how to reach her so I got the courage after about two weeks of holding on to her number. I left messages on her voice mail. This was a tough week for she hadn't called me back. Finally, the next week she called my cell phone while I was working in Richmond. I took some deep breaths and she told me she had been in Canada for business. I told her I'd call her back in the evening after the kids had gone to bed. That night I prayed that God would not allow the connection to go through if I wasn't to be making the phone call. It went through and we talked for about 30minutes. It was sort of a boring/informational phone call, but I think that is all that should have occured. Now I'm taking baby steps for more communication.
She called me yesterday while I was in the car with Mandi. I told her it was fine to talk while in the car with Mandi. My telling her this was also a comfort for me because at the time it felt safer having Mandi next to me in the car. Well, she recommended a book to read. Now, I don't like to read fiction books on a normal basis, but when she told me I should read this book on the NYbestseller list, I knew I was going to check it out. WHAT THE FREAK IS UP WITH THAT? (the wait is 20days for the library...cause I did see if they had it) Sadly, I don't feel that safe feeling that I used to have. I just know I'm too dumb, fat, unmotivated, and boring to be around her now, but I still love her and hate that I haven't known her for the last years.
The hardest part of this for me is that I don't have someone to bounce stuff about my relationship with her off of. I've attempted two people this summer, and neither can seem to get the glimpse of how this effects my head and heart. (I realize I may have to be better about sharing this, but I'm gonna need to have that insight and some understanding mixed in.) When I do get the chance to talk to one of the people again, I do hope that I'll be able to have more clarity for her.
As this computer thing is a public thing, there is of course, stuff I'm not typing in here.
The point to ponders: I really need to figure out how to commuicate or find someone that can lovingly understand some of what I'm feeling/thinking with gaining a relationship now. Is it me that is the problem or is it a mixture? Also, I do have to wonder if I had an intention in contacting Joyce originally.

Where to live.

American Cities That Best Fit You::

65% Atlanta

65% Chicago

60% Las Vegas

55% Miami

50% Austin

Which American Cities Best Fit You?

If only it could tell me why these were the cities that turned up. I know that I will move eventually. How odd is it that Austin is one of the choices. I'm not sure I'd want to live in Hotlanta though. It is just way too close to Alphretta.