What I am Watching

I am still at Karen and Scott's home. I'm watching a show on LOGO called Camp Out. You can click the link for it in the title. It is a Christian camp for Gay teens. i would love to have the opportunity to talk about this movie/documentary with someone, but I have no clue who I'd watch or talk about it with. They have lots of true conversations that are great and I would love for christians to be able to see this. I still don't know what all I believe about being GLBT, but I do know that we have screwed up as a Christian society. I despise the fact that we choose to focus on this as a sin yet my being obese, a pastor's lies, a rocket scientist's snobbery, or a housewife's lack of love is just blown over. I want to be in a place of truth of God's love. Sometimes people blame it on age, but I really don't believe that is true either. I know some very open older people and I'm proud to know them. I'm uncomfortable saying that it is right, but what an amazing lovely concept to be able to be seeking God. Now if only we could have leadership for all that are also seeking God. Would it be possible to have a camp for a diverse group of people? What a wonderful prayer we should have.

Ringing

I love handbells! I love jingle bells! I love cowbells! I even love door bells!
Bells usually signify something to pay attention to that is coming. Even a fire bell is for a warning. I like it when kids have the bells on their shoes. They seem to just have a happier sound. When I listen to a good handbell choir, I can be entranced by the wonderful ringing that is done. There is that stupid quote from that WAY too long Christmas movie. "When a bell rings an angel gets its wings." I think when a bell rings it can make the listener fly whether it be to action or to a deep spiritual thinking.
A goal has to be to listen more intently for the bells around me.

Finally Blogger Time

Since I haven't gotten a computer yet, I haven't had time to type out thoughts. What a weird last five months I have had. Working in a funeral home certainly does test me. It is also interesting to work with such a variety of people. I have almost completed the learning curve time. I actually think the learning curve changes. It is just odd because everyone does things so differently there. I certainly work way too many hours. I wish I could figure out how to make it not have to be and 8-5 job with only a little lunch break. It seems like everyone gets overtime. It is crazy because part of the problem is the cross knowledge and different opinions. Still even with all of that, I actually do like working there. I just wish I had more time for friends and Gma. I do think more about my family interactions now that I am there. Such an interesting life that we can lead when we are open to God's opportunities.

Too Old for Nightmares

Fears suck. I'm writing now cause I can't sleep I'm having stupid nightmare because of a picture...just a picture I saw at work. I'm not really sure who I can talk to this about, so I'm up a 2nd night crying and NOT sleeping. Who does a 33yr old tell that she is having nightmares because of a picture? I seriously need to not have such an active and imaginative mind because it is just making the staying up worse. People say to pray but that isn't really working so perhaps I need to figure out something else. I just really really want to sleep...my mood needs it!

Job offering

Well as all things have been stated in almost every business advice thing I've heard these last few months, I am considering a job I am only being offered through networking. PFFFFFFTTTTTTT to actually applying for jobs since getting them really is by word of mouth most of the time. This is what one hears over and over while doing the job search thing. So tonight I was offered a job by friends. It is a job that they believe I can do and now of the weirdness should effect me. Five years ago there is no way in heck I'd consider saying yes, but now I am about a 55% yes. It sucks that I don't really have a good person to bounce this around with because my closer friends are almost all connected someway to the offer. I said I would let them know on Monday. I hope that I can get some good clarity by then. Such an interesting thing for me to consider and accept. I wouldn't really be using my degree but...
sooo much ponderment!

I trust you

One thing that still fathoms me and freaks me out is when people say they trust me. Usually this means that they know I'm not going to be judgemental. I am honored that people feel this way, but I really don't understand it. I'm not doing anything special. I do say that choices aren't right, yet others still feel I'm not judgemental. Really it does blow my mind. (seriously, very open conversations from a lady who has had an abortion, a wife who commits adultery weekly, people who grow weed, first date sex, and eating disorders have been topics the past two weeks) Even though I don't get it, I know this is something I cherish and would love for it to be able to be incorporated into a job. I say incorporated into a job since it seems to not be a typical skill. That is just wrong ... I know it is true because it is why I don't reveal alot of my inward life. It would be wonderful to know why I have this characteristic. I really don't know what I exude (is that the right word?) that lets people know that I love them as they are. I can only say that I feel this to be true in three people currently in my life. Brittany is probably the person who I remember as an adult being the first person I experienced this from. She loves people...even the dark side of people. She never allows me to feel that I have to change to be loved...she shows mightly what God's love really is. I guess that is somewhat true in me although that scares me to say that. I think what makes it stand out for me with Brittany is that she is a strong Christian. Why is it so rare to know and experience this love amoung people who claim to be Christian friends? Just wish there were more people to interact with who held this type of love. Just wish I knew how others see it in me.

When to give up?

For the last month, I have been thinking about this. It is hard to know when to say that I can't take it anymore and settle for something. Does that mean I don't trust God to be in control and take care of me anymore or am I don't what God wants by humbling taking a position? This is somewhat a difficult thing to answer. Right now I'm a little pissed about this as well. In May, I was ready to say I'll go be a buggy getter at Wal~mart. My mother quickly turned that idea down and was upset that I was even considering it. Now, she is upset that I haven't gotten even a part-time job to supplement my income. What they heck? Why is it settling if it is going to pay the same? Looking back, I can honestly say that June has been really the only month that I've not been highly focused on achieving a good job. So I sit in on the seminar like thing this past week to hear about jobs. I wanted to practice interviews, but I missed that section because I was asked to speak with this woman. I was visibly disappointed after this. The woman I was speaking with couldn't grasp that I don't need a CDA. Then, she really felt that she needed to go into sharing her heart mode. UGH at myself, I sucked because I didn't want to listen to her. But this seminar thing was talking was somewhat through rose colored glasses, but one of the things that was most true was that good jobs come through good connections. Well, I haven't figured out how to make this true for me. I've even applied to two school districts, but I haven't figured out how to get into the inside track for them. I did get a UTMB interview, and I suspect it was because I went through the other channels. People kept acting impressed about that, but what the hell good does it do me if I still can't have a job. I would gladly take a semi-menial job in a good work environment as long as it wasn't too low of pay, but I don't desire to jump through hoops to get jobs like this. God does provide and I'm not doubting Him on that. I am doubting and getting upset with the process. Wednesday I'm going to this networking thing, hopefully more to be encouraged, I'm not sure what kind of contacts that I can really make at this thing.
It just really sucks that getting a job is really a sales thing. It is something that should be kept up with for years with past contacts as well. I really hate that I'm almost 33 and having to deal with this in my life. I've had to apply for positions before, but I was just me and got them. Now I have to learn all this crud to sale myself. UGH...and I know that being false is a large part of why I couldn't deal with being successful at Huntington. Hopefully this week will make the future seem brighter.

comments off on this...i needed more of a vent.

Updated 5 love Languages

The Five Love Languages

My primary love language is
Quality Time

Complete set of results

Quality Time:		9
Acts of Service:		8
Words of Affirmation:		8
Physical Touch:		4
Receiving Gifts:		1

Information

Unhappiness in relationships, according to Dr. Gary Chapman, is often due to the fact that we speak different love languages. Sometimes we don't understand our partner's requirements, or even our own. We all have a "love tank" that needs to be filled in order for us to express love to others, but there are different means by which our tank can be filled, and there are different ways that we can express love to others.
Take the quiz

I've known since the book came out that I was quality time. This of course is the toughest one to achieve alot of the time. Sometimes I wonder if for service oriented jobs if it would be helpful for bosses to know this about the people they are hiring. I know that I like salary jobs better so that the right amount of time can be spent devoted to the people involved. Granted the sucky part of that is sometimes others want to take your time. I think during the last five years or so, I have increase in seeing that words of affirmation are valuable even for me. As the Camp Worldlight staff begin to return, I am reminded how God allows camp to be so great because of the support from fellow camp staffers. The support uses all of these types of love. Perhaps this is why a bubble environment can be so great and pump us up so well for so long. Even in knowing the time, praise, service, gifts, and touch that abounds at camp, God sends in campers with so many physical, mental, and spiritual bruises. It is true that God provides what we need at the right time. He expects us to work together and use ourselves to achieve these great things for His glory.
*well I have a picture that I am trying to put here, but it shows in preview and not when I click to view it. hopefully it will be able to be added later.

Waiting

Cartoon by Dave Walker.

Hoping it is not delivered but believing it hasn't been written. Hummm...when did we start saying the "check is in the mail" when talking about email?

What's Janna's theological worldview?

I scored as a Evangelical Holiness/Wesleyan
I am an evangelical in the Wesleyan tradition. I believe that God's grace enables me to choose to believe in him, even though I myself am totally depraved. The gift of the Holy Spirit gives me assurance of my salvation, and he also enables me to live the life of obedience to which God has called us. I am influenced heavly by John Wesley and the Methodists.
My second highest score was Emergent/Postmodern. I am Emergent/Postmodern in my theology. I feel alienated from older forms of church, I don't think they connect to modern culture very well. No one knows the whole truth about God, and we have much to learn from each other, and so learning takes place in dialogue. Evangelism should take place in relationships rather than through crusades and altar-calls. People are interested in spirituality and want to ask questions, so the church should help them to do this.

Evangelical Holiness/Wesleyan 79%
Emergent/Postmodern 68%
Charismatic/Pentecostal 57%
Neo orthodox 50%
Reformed Evangelical 50%
Classical Liberal 43%
Fundamentalist 43%
Modern Liberal 32%
Roman Catholic 29%

Sure the stuff of description is interesting, and I wish I had what it said for all of them. What I find really funny is how I'm equal scores for FUNDAMENTALIST and CLASSICAL LIBERAL. I do agree with the results as far as I know what they mean. I did expect my Emergent score to be hire but the reasoning make sense to me.

I don't want to teach

I don't want to teach. I don't have a passion for teaching. I get frustrated with being over a class. I purposefully took more administrative classes in college.
So What?
I'm going to have to apply to a freakin preschool/daycare so that I can semi-use my degree and finally be earning money again. THIS SUCKS!

Similar Names

This blog is for me.
I was just looking for pictures because MandI was over. I had wanted to share the photos that I had stolen at one time from the internet of Joyce. During that search I came to this article with a quote from a woman with the exact name of Joyce. Scary because it clearly wouldn't be something Joyce would say. Usually when I meet a Janna, I will ask them questions about personality. All the Janna's I have met have similar views and personalities. I am just surprised to see something so different.
Here is the article.
http://freaksforfun.tribe.net/thread/49c5698c-c389-495b-86f2-1249229fd5fe
Here is the how many of me thing again.
http://ww2.howmanyofme.com/search/
Still so odd.

"I don't want the Mark"

So I've had poison ivy rash for the last two weeks. While I've been healing, I've told the neighbor kids that I couldn't play. I also showed them my arm to show them why. The rash is almost all gone and they were out playing tonight. I decided to go over to chat and meet the cousin. The boys were making the stairs into a jungle gym. I caught one of them and gave a backward squeeze. He talked for little bit like that, but then he said "I don't want the mark." It was so funny because that is how they totally see the poison ivy. I'm white with red marks. After giggling, I assured him that he was safe. Sadly, I'm not sure he is convinced about it.

But it got me to thinking about the future. Currently, I say I don't want someone else to have the mark. How awful is it going to be when loved ones are saying "I don't want the Mark." With the books, blogs, and life I've been experiencing lately, I'm even more consumed with the urgency of my role in help to impact others for God. I don't mean that in a evangelistic freak way, but in a way that makes me want others to truly know the love and saving power of Christ. Even though I'm reading the books and blogs, I don't feel like I get how we move forward. One of the books actually bores me because somehow I am already able to have the relationships he talks about. I don't know how or why this is a trait in me, but I can't think of a time when it wasn't. I so want to get out of the head/heart mode though into actually doing or feeling like I'm doing. It sucks because I haven't really connected with someone in 3D land with that similar spark. I want to be able to wrap my God around people so that they will not have to be left to say "I don't want the Mark." Now...just how to do that?

Here's Where I Stand

This clip is from the movie CAMP. There have been some American Idol auditions with this song also. Since I first was impacted from this song after seeing it in the movie, I thought I'd include the original source. I'm not giving a recommendation for the movie but it does help to have seen the movie to understand her impact of her singing it.

However, that is the movie and this is me. I feel like I've attempted to sing this song before to others. (I mean singing it in my head of course.) Now I feel like it is being sung to me. I find it interesting that it takes confidence to say that we need to rely on someone else. To realize we need to and want to move forward yet we need love to do so. Scary to think about the power in giving that love when we aren't in agreement. But I think the love is asked for and can be given even when not in agreement or understanding. Perhaps that is what is means to "not be a child any longer."

Here in the Dark
I stand before you
Knowing, This is my chance to show you my heart
This is the start, this is the start.

I have so much to say and I'm hoping
That your Arms are open
Don't turn away, I want you near me
But you have to hear me.

Here's where I stand,
Here's who I am
Love me, but don't tell me who I have to be
Here's who I am,
I'm what you see.

You said I had to change and I was trying
But my heart was lying
I'm not a child any longer
I am stroooongerrrr

Here's where I stand,
Here's who I am
Help me, to move on but please don't tell me how
I'm on my way, I'm moving now


In this life we've come so far
but we're only who we are (who we are)
Courage of love (Courage of Love)
will show us the way (Show us the way)
Unlock the power
To stand up and saaaaa--aaaaayyy (Stand upppp)

(Up and say!)
Herreeeee's where I stand
Here's who I am
(Stand Up) I'll be counting, counting on you
If you're with me, we'll make it through

Here's where I stand,
Here's who I am
Love me, Love me, Love me, and we'll make it through

Here's where I stand,
Baby, Baby, Baby, I'm counting on you

Here's where I stand
Love me, Love me, Love me, and we'll make it through

I'm counting, Oooh,
I'm counting,
I'm counting, I'm counting onn....
Yooooooooouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

Rated my life

This Is My Life, Rated
Life:	5.6
Mind:	6.3
Body:	3.7
Spirit:	9.2
Friends/Family:	3.7
Love:	1.5
Finance:	5
Take the Rate My Life Quiz

Not sure I agree with the findings, but did find it interesting to take. Of course some questions were tricky for me cause I wasn't sure of the definitions they wanted.