Who said God doesn't make mistakes?

*WARNING: language will not be censored and this is so I can get to sleep instead of focusing on the stress

Today, I got the confirmation/explanation from the doctor that I do have PCOS. It is overly true that they don't have any real medicines for this. I had to be in the doctor's office for 1hr and 45mins to hear about everything than can't be done. I was pissed at the waste of my time. As the doctor, who stupidly told me that he'd be up for 36hrs, tried to use his crappy english to go over the deatils, I just kept thinking he should hear me say I've researched it some and I don't freakin' care about the science of it. Hell, the appointment was with UTMB so who knows if he was an actual doctor as well. He has be sit on the stupid patient table and wants to touch my belly? WHAT THE FREAK? This is so uncomfortable mentally! There is way too much that they want to know that they should have just asked me to write the answers for. I'm 33, and I could care less to recall when I started wearing a bra. I'm sure it was a huge deal with I was a pre-teen, but really there is NO REASON for me to recall that. I only remember getting my period because it was the same day that we watched those stupid videos in class about "maturing." Of Course, the boys got to leave go to recess after seeing just one and we ladies had to endure a 2nd video and the discussion! UGH. yeah so I knew the answer to that one.
He also talks about the results. "You have a testosterone level that is higher than some men." Oh yeah, I'm so glad that I have ventured into the hell hole of going to the doctor. It truly is worse to have something confirmed that you already know. Now he did point to his head when talking as if to say that the testosterone level has nothing to do with being a female, but my heart, mind, and soul were already spinning and continue to. Ever since I was a little girl, I have questioned why God didn't make me a boy. Wearing dresses sucked unless you could play in them easily. The boys weren't told to cross their legs in Sunday School. Boys don't have periods! Boys can have sloppy handwriting. Boys sports are more important than girl sports. It continued into my teen years till today. I just don't get why God had to make me a female when my brain doesn't seem wired as such. Then today to hear it confirmed that God had a little mistake in creating me. He must have been part way done and the ducks were quacking about the river going to fast. Then he came back to his creating of me and forgot he was working to make a boy so through the rest of me together quickly. I am that.
I don't think like most females. In fact, it is so hard for me to interact with people at church because I have no interest in so much of the conversations. Weddings, Shopping, Cooking, Getting Married, Babies, Flowers, Jewelry -- all things that really don't appeal to who I am. Those are "girly" things,
God must have beed too rushed in mkaing me.
Thankfully, God gave me an Amazing Daddy. He has cried over the stress Jerrese and I have felt from the hair ordeal. He really loves us and never tried to lead us into a typical female direction.
(more later...I'm too sleepy and less mad to type)

A Day Off

Monday I was off work and had planned on this journey to see the G-Kamps (they are the ones with the name that is too hard to spell). It was difficult to reach them again, but I finally headed up to Longview (don't spit!) at 9:00am. On my little journey, my driver side front tire went out. I was in a little town at the time. I tried to find a service station to pull over into, but not really easy to find. So I pull over into the parking lot of a grocery store with a gas pump. My tire needed much more than air! I knew the donut was going to have to go on it. After moving the trunk stuff to the back seat and getting ready to jack the car up, a couple of guys from the Brookshire Grocery Store came out to help me. That helped speed things along some in this wonderful Texas heat. It was a great southern moment! The directions to a shop didn't make sense so I headed on north knowing I could go the 45miles on the donut. Thankfully, I found a Discount Tire in Lufkin. I pulled in and was told it would be about an hour. (ended up being about 1 1/2hrs) Thankfully with cell phones, I was able to keep my destination family updated. After doing some greeting cards, reading, and having lunch. I moved to watch the process. There was this cute little boy sitting next to me. We talked some. His mother didn't bring anything to entertain him. (What the freak are parents thinking when they expect children to be calm for an hour in a waiting area? Bring crap for you kids to do. I bring stuff for me to do!) So here is a picture of playing with the little boy.

Mommy G-Kamp then calls with a sad phone call. The middle son has a stomach virus. Now this child is like me in that he gets almost everything around him that he to becomes sick. We played with the idea while my car was still getting finished. Then I drove around Lufkin for a moment. I didn't want to not go see the other boys too! However, we all made the smart adult decision. I turn around and headed back home. Thankfully, people were out at my sister's home. I called her and talked to her while my daddy and brother-in-law made crazy comments from the background. They had to keep making fun of all the Texas named towns I was going through. Then my MandI responded to my text. She said to come to her place. So I headed there. We went to get our toes done (cause they didn't get enough scuff off my feet bottoms). Then she drove over the bumpy roads for us to go to this dessert place. Now really the meal part at the dessert place was better than the dessert! I had a yummy chef salad wrap...with all the nasty stuff removed of course! She took me here so we could play games. The games were in a sad state. We played "Speed" and "Spades" even though it was soooooo Cold! Then back to her apartment to visit and take pics. Bob had to be included in the feet photo, so we let him even though his weren't done!

After the Bloodwork

Medical life has been so full the last few weeks for me and for dealing with Gma’s health. This post will be about my health. I’ll do a gma update through email and maybe here later.
A few weeks ago, I was really sick. My defenses were down due to the stress of dealing with all the gma issues and working at a harder pace, so the germs around me clearly took hold. I still had my blood work done while I was sick. I was disappointed to find out that I couldn’t see the doctor at the same time. I called the following day to see if I could come in. They worked me in for early on Friday. During that appointment, Dr.Eisen gave me the results of the bloodwork as well.
She has determined that I have to see a specialist. It seems that all things indicate what I really already knew. I just didn’t know the exact term for it. When I see the specialist at the end of the month, I will have it confirmed. I have PolyCystic Ovary Disease. It was tough hearing that there really isn’t any solutions for it. I will ALWAYS deal with the issues surrounding it. The good thing is there are some meds that will be able to help with the effects. Now, I’ll just have to learn how to take them regularly. My appointment is at 2pm on the 28th. When I learn more about it, I will know more about what I am facing personally besides learning about it from others who have experienced it. Then, I also get to (see at camp I learned to say get to instead of have to) take a medicine for high blood pressure. Funny thing on that is it is one that Gma used to take. I may have to learn how to deal with it differently.

(note: I've had some time to process the news and I wrote this while watching the Olympics with friends. Smart idea - less emotion)

Ok Naggers

I went to my physical for the doctor today for having insurance. Now, lets try to forget that I am 33 freakin years old! Cause that reality makes it even harder to comprehend.
When I got to the desk to start paper work, I started shaking a little bit. Then I sat down to do the paper work and my heart starts pounding. I took a few deep breaths and stopped shaking, but my heart stayed at a fast pace. I could look at the book I took, do thank-you cards, or color. I simply texted then...probably should have prayed but I didn't have that faith at the moment and probably blame God some for my fear of the situation.
Now I picked this doctor because she was a great doctor with Gma. She paid attention to gma's actual needs and didn't over due anything. She listened to our concerns. She cared about not stressing Gma out. I thought it would be a good idea to pick her since I at least knew she had a positive bedside manner. This is important since most things medical involving me are negative. This is also important because of the experiences I've had with medical people and Gma's care during the last 8 years. Dr.Eisen is a very positive part of the medical experiences for gma.
Once I was called back into the hallway for the wonderful weight and height. I was trying to not noticeable take deep breaths. I attempted to make jokes for the height and weight...but nope that didn't work for me to refocus. Crapola because it normally does. Then I enter into the room. THIS IS JUST A PHYSICAL! My hands got clamy and as I sat on the table, i thought I could hear my heart. Then she took my blood pressure. While she did that she asked me if I was nervous, I said very much so. I mean really it has been 10yrs since i've had a physical; I'm in sucky health; and doctors have a history of not really caring about patients. She said my pulse was very fast as well. (duh!) Then she asks me if I've had a papsmear. With a shocking tone to her voice she reasks because I say "no." So I have to resay "never, yes I know I'm old." Then she asked a couple more questions and left the room. Now, I'm freaked out. So I'm texting with MandI, who is all excited that I'm in this horrid experience. I know that wasn't the intention, but that is how I felt at first with the texts. I ate three Ice Breaker mints because I needed something to try to calm me down...ugh I suck! Thankfully they had Kleenex in the room because I was crying as well. Final text with MandI has an "I'm proud of you" as Dr. Eisen entered into the room.
Dr.Eisen tells me to sit next to her in the regular chair...she just wants to talk. Now, I'm not dumb, so I know she is doing this to try to relax me. I don't care anything that will work was fine with me at that point. We go through her questions finding out where she needs to head with my care. She doesn't sound all preachy! When we got to the sex questions/women's issue's, she said that it is ok that I'm not old for not having a papsmear. Now when we actually talked about some of the concerns with me, then yes she said I had to have one. This woman doesn't remember Gma or even meeting me before, and I'm totally ok with that. Some how she is actually caring when she is a doctor with you and that is what matters. She had me get back on the table. Sadly, I started shaking again. (my heart never stopped pounding hard!) I was able to take the deep breaths, but she said those even sounded like I was nervous. She retook my blood pressure, and she wouldn't tell me that number because it was higher than the first time. She isn't going to rely on either of those readings so hopefully I can take it and show a lower one consistently.
She did say I needed to at least for now switch off the soda some. She said tea and kool-aid would be better...much more practical than saying water. She said other practical boring things and had me schedule bloodwork. Lets hope that is a better experience next week since I have to be stuck for it and I don't get to eat beforehand! That includes no mints to calm me down while waiting!
So...yeah I have health insurance?*
I would like to think that God would have done something within me to not make me have this type of experience. I mean seriously...all of the medical people I know and love, and I really had no control over the fear today. Bestest friends, ex-roommates, close friends, family members, and godly women in the health care fields, and I dread all of it. Craziness

*Lori, I know it is important and I thank-you for helping us all find it. If only it wasn't such a tough thing to deal with.

Tough Connection

This is my phone.

Sadly, It doesn't seem to love Carmen as much and I do. Bad, Bad, Bad Phone. It makes me sad that it doesn't like to connect with her easily.

For The Naggers

Next Wednesday, I will be going to have a physical with the doctor. Yeah, for health insurance, I suppose. (Thank Lori's pushing.) Lets hope I feel better about medical people by then cause other than those I love outside of the medical world, I'm not too thrilled! Now, I'll get to hear I'm fat and got women's health problems...oh yeah!

Miracles Happen

This is a highly prayed for desire.
This is a miracle and blessing.
This is a wonderful life change.
This is a peace maker.
This is a family gatherer.
This is a gift from God.
This is Elizabeth Fogarty Carnes!

PEO Meet

Yesterday, when I was in the process of getting to leave work, Lori's mom comes in the office and asks who has the Cottey College bumper sticker on their car. IMMEDIATELY, I was so excited and knew she had to be a PEO. I jumpingly answered "that is me, you've gotta be a PEO!" Oh my Gosh! This is the most smilest news all week long! I sang C-C-Cottey for her, hugged her a few times, kept saying how I couldn't believe I didn't already know this about her, and how much more amazingly Lori now is with this little bit of knowledge. Meeting a PEO is always postive for me because I owe them all so much gratitude. I'm sure all my fellow ducks would agree. While helping her mom carry some stuff upstairs, we talked a little more. I have to find out how she became a PEO and more about her drive through Nevada, MO. Since she will be here for a bit, I will have time to share pics and PEO safe memories!
What a treasure during these past two weeks of UGH!

DUCKS LOVE THE PEOS!

Name Update

6/6/08 The guy who does the invoices gets to see very interesting versions of my name. What is really sad is that it is my writing that they can't read! opps! I will have to add more as they come in, but I will try to print more clearly so there will not be as many! He says there are more versions on earlier invoices...shucks that would take time to find.
J.Cervila
Joanna C.
7/10/2008 Well we are actually having some fun with it now. If I put my name, I just write it and don't really think about it. That will be below. I will also put some of the efforts of having fun names.
James Carilla-ille (look hyphenated and I'm not married)
Harry Buettis (it was supposed to be Harry Butts)
Mrs.Sims (funny thing is it actually says illegible)
James C.
Jeane

Got Talent?

I enjoy America's Got Talent when I can see it. I pretty much only see it by YouTube now. This reason we have what may be a copy cat from the british version. Both could make you cry. Should be interesting how it plays out when they are in vegas.
The American:


The Brit,who won:

Happy Birthdays

So things are somewhat smiley today. Gma has an IV to help hydrate her and three cousins agreed! It is truly a good thing that we all came to the same conclusion on our own and were willing to fight for it. Nursing home shouldn't try to pawn off their patients...pffffftttt!
Today is a day for celebration and fun. It is Uncle Stanley's 80th birthday! It is Grandma's 91st birthday! It is American's Birthday! It is Amanda S's birthday. Did you know that Obama's daughter also has a b-day today?...that is pretty darn American if you ask me...not that it would change my vote! I'm making cake ice cream with blue in it and strawberry ice cream for Gma's celebration. Kinda a lousy birthday for her being in bed and all. She is on thickened liquids so ice cream will be the enjoyment..no cake.
Here is a picture from the little bit of no rain time this morning for the Texas City parade.

Here is my number...USE IT

Tuesday night I went to the nursing home to discover that Grandma had had most likely a mini-stroke that early morning. NO ONE HAD CALLED ANYONE ALL DAY! I am still pissed about that. It took about 40mins before anyone finally talked to me to inform me a little bit. During that time she was unresponsive overall, had her jaw open, and was very hot. Other that wanting to know why no one had called me, I kept thinking how many people die near their birthday. That is one of the things I've learned in my job. I just kept bawling every time that thought came to my head. I couldn't get Pam on the phone, no words from the staff yet, and grandma of course couldn't explain what was going on with her. When the nurse was finally updating me some it didn't seem like she really knew much to say. I tried to help get her comfortable for sleeping and then left. Called mother to let her know what I knew but she didn't really convey the concern I expected her to show. Pam finally called me back and said she'd talk to administration today. The nurse called me after speaking with the doctor (shocking) but mainly to say the doctor we be there in the morning.
So this morning I went to the NH and am told so many different things. The saddest thing is that the Dr. will not be in. What the freak? I'm there for four hours trying to make sense of things. I kept grandma fairly engaged most of that time. She needed fluids so I made sure to get them down her so they could do another test. I asked to be called if it was hard and I'd come back. I said call me when the blood results come in. No such luck. Tonight when I went up there she hadn't been given the extra drinks that were in her room. She thankfully had been changed at least. She was warm again, but the temp didn't register. I may have to take it tomorrow night to ease my mind cause I don't trust most of that staff. UGH! I found out that they had gotten the blood work results back. Grandma was about the same as last night, but she was alittle bit more responsive. Still answers were contradictory or non-existent. How hard is it to give the family the truth?
Hopefull, I'll get rest tonight and tomorrow there will be improvement. Perhaps, Paul and Terry will get their butts there and see that we need to move her. Mostly, I would just like it if her birthday she could at least be able to sing again.

Stressful Weeks

First of all I feel like I need a disclaimer for someone who reads this and has heard/seen some of my life this past few weeks. It is one of those times when having a friend and a boss in the same person really sucks. But I'm gonna let go of the freaking out my head does about that because my heart and head have been over full the last two weeks.

What is terrible, for me, is that there is still so much that I either don't have details for or that I can't share. Just sort of needing to list things to actually be able to be thankful God has let me live through it. So some of the things of the past two weeks:
* close friend having day surgery
* another close friend may have TB and dealing with that
* Gma has some bruise on her knee and elbow that we weren't told about
* Sally's bump
* stupid door
* Pam's surgery
* Alisa's surgery
* Shannon actually moving
* church deadlines
* Joyce's dog
* stupid family politics

I've cheated the last two nights so that I could sleep through the night. UGH...I hate doing that. My mind races so much when I lay down even though I'm yawning and closing my eyes. So yeah...I've taken the Benadryl to make me sleep all through the night. God is just so odd when He brings challenges. Making me face so many loved ones with health issues just is hard to grasp. I hate that I don't have the energy, because of the tears probably, to do something for those who I am able to do things for. The worst thing about all of this is who I've become at work. I've been rude to others this week. My tolerance level was so low with co-workers and phone patience. Generally, I'm happy with where I sit for work because it is away from some of the talking/gossip. With my faith and sleep being less, I stupidly wanted to be involved with it. Wanting to fix pain with inflicting pain isn't a good way to handle problems, yet I tried that. I freakin got reported because I annoyed with the questions I was being asked (even though I know I have to answer the stupid questions). On my facebook, I posted the rainbow from the other day. It is really true that I need God to make me see the rainbows through all the rain in my eyes. I don't like the evil that I have become this week, and I don't like not having the faith to believe that:
* God loves my close friend who had day surgery
* God loves my another close friend may have TB and will help her deal with it
* God loves Gma and will someday have truth prevail
* God loves Sally's bump and her family
* God loves the people in my apartment complex
* God loves Pam even if she doesn't have a relationship with Him
* God loves Alisa even if she doesn't have a realtionship with Him
* God loves Shannon and will find her new friends in Corpus (and find me one here)
* God loves His church and already has the plan made
* God loves Austin
* God loves my family and He is the Peacemaker, not me

Sally Update

MandI just called to let me know how Sally is doing. I know I suck at dealing with things about disease and/or death, so these past few days have been really hard. Yes, I know she isn't even MY dog! When I spent time with Sally last night and this morning, I was some what put at ease that she wasn't in almost death condition. She simply has an abses (sp?) on her back tooth. They will figure out how to deal with it when Phillip gets back. Thankfully, she is following the rule of nothing too terrible while her Daddy is away.

The Blogging World

Three of my deep thinking blogs that I read have been very powerful the past few days. I love that! I miss it severly in my people to people conversations, so having the blog world is very helpful for me.
One of the writers is someone I went to Cottey with. I actually met her when I sat in on a class when I was checking out the college. Then, my freshman year, my suite kinda adopted her into the love for meals, traditions, movie time, and probably academics too. When I went to Meredith, I saw her again at these huge statewide BSU events. It was so odd to share that other part of life with her. Then a few years ago, I learn that she was in Divinity (not candy) school. FASCINATING! Her thoughts about her path and her theology mixed with daily life are a blessing for me. She helps me to remember that God didn't design me into some crappy creature to be tossed aside. When I read her, I want to just sit down and call to get even more into it. I'm still a tad frustrated that God didn't allow them to move to Texas when she graduated.
Another one of the writers, I happened upon about three years ago. I was searching for stuff about Florida camp. This minister was questioning Dr.T and the way the gospel is presented at camp. I had to comment. Then I got to staying around and reading more of his posts. It took me a couple of weeks to realize that there weren't many women commenting, but it didn't deter me. He is a minister that truly is missional focused. He truly loves people at their core and wants to understand people. He allows us to be able to watch his daughter grow. He truly cherishes his wife. Through his blog, I was connected to even more of the SBC-blogging circle. How much I loved the way so many of the blogs had open conversations even with some disagreements. People generally didn't get all upset just because someone disagreed with them. This minister's blog is one of the best I've seen for being able to do that. It has the added benefit of making me think.
Finally there is the blog of the young one. Sometimes I read her writings and feel like take a shower from what I've read. Then there are times that just make me truly laugh so hard. Sadly, a few days ago, I cried almost for an hour after reading a post. I didn't even finish reading it the first time. I shut the computer and tried to go to bed. I had to get back up and finish it, then I still cried tears for her, me, the truth, and the commonality. Two days after reading it, I "twittered" her that I'd love to talk to her more about it. See for me blogging should be about the author feeling free to express herself, experiences, and interesting findings. I regret that she lives in the reality of fear of being loved because of her words or thoughts...especially from her family. Then I realized, I have felt that way as well.

***To those of you that have blogs to update about your family life and travels, I do enjoy those as well cause it shows a different side of you. There is just a difference in the pressure for thinking.