I don't want to teach

I don't want to teach. I don't have a passion for teaching. I get frustrated with being over a class. I purposefully took more administrative classes in college.
So What?
I'm going to have to apply to a freakin preschool/daycare so that I can semi-use my degree and finally be earning money again. THIS SUCKS!

Similar Names

This blog is for me.
I was just looking for pictures because MandI was over. I had wanted to share the photos that I had stolen at one time from the internet of Joyce. During that search I came to this article with a quote from a woman with the exact name of Joyce. Scary because it clearly wouldn't be something Joyce would say. Usually when I meet a Janna, I will ask them questions about personality. All the Janna's I have met have similar views and personalities. I am just surprised to see something so different.
Here is the article.
http://freaksforfun.tribe.net/thread/49c5698c-c389-495b-86f2-1249229fd5fe
Here is the how many of me thing again.
http://ww2.howmanyofme.com/search/
Still so odd.

"I don't want the Mark"

So I've had poison ivy rash for the last two weeks. While I've been healing, I've told the neighbor kids that I couldn't play. I also showed them my arm to show them why. The rash is almost all gone and they were out playing tonight. I decided to go over to chat and meet the cousin. The boys were making the stairs into a jungle gym. I caught one of them and gave a backward squeeze. He talked for little bit like that, but then he said "I don't want the mark." It was so funny because that is how they totally see the poison ivy. I'm white with red marks. After giggling, I assured him that he was safe. Sadly, I'm not sure he is convinced about it.

But it got me to thinking about the future. Currently, I say I don't want someone else to have the mark. How awful is it going to be when loved ones are saying "I don't want the Mark." With the books, blogs, and life I've been experiencing lately, I'm even more consumed with the urgency of my role in help to impact others for God. I don't mean that in a evangelistic freak way, but in a way that makes me want others to truly know the love and saving power of Christ. Even though I'm reading the books and blogs, I don't feel like I get how we move forward. One of the books actually bores me because somehow I am already able to have the relationships he talks about. I don't know how or why this is a trait in me, but I can't think of a time when it wasn't. I so want to get out of the head/heart mode though into actually doing or feeling like I'm doing. It sucks because I haven't really connected with someone in 3D land with that similar spark. I want to be able to wrap my God around people so that they will not have to be left to say "I don't want the Mark." Now...just how to do that?

Here's Where I Stand

This clip is from the movie CAMP. There have been some American Idol auditions with this song also. Since I first was impacted from this song after seeing it in the movie, I thought I'd include the original source. I'm not giving a recommendation for the movie but it does help to have seen the movie to understand her impact of her singing it.

However, that is the movie and this is me. I feel like I've attempted to sing this song before to others. (I mean singing it in my head of course.) Now I feel like it is being sung to me. I find it interesting that it takes confidence to say that we need to rely on someone else. To realize we need to and want to move forward yet we need love to do so. Scary to think about the power in giving that love when we aren't in agreement. But I think the love is asked for and can be given even when not in agreement or understanding. Perhaps that is what is means to "not be a child any longer."

Here in the Dark
I stand before you
Knowing, This is my chance to show you my heart
This is the start, this is the start.

I have so much to say and I'm hoping
That your Arms are open
Don't turn away, I want you near me
But you have to hear me.

Here's where I stand,
Here's who I am
Love me, but don't tell me who I have to be
Here's who I am,
I'm what you see.

You said I had to change and I was trying
But my heart was lying
I'm not a child any longer
I am stroooongerrrr

Here's where I stand,
Here's who I am
Help me, to move on but please don't tell me how
I'm on my way, I'm moving now


In this life we've come so far
but we're only who we are (who we are)
Courage of love (Courage of Love)
will show us the way (Show us the way)
Unlock the power
To stand up and saaaaa--aaaaayyy (Stand upppp)

(Up and say!)
Herreeeee's where I stand
Here's who I am
(Stand Up) I'll be counting, counting on you
If you're with me, we'll make it through

Here's where I stand,
Here's who I am
Love me, Love me, Love me, and we'll make it through

Here's where I stand,
Baby, Baby, Baby, I'm counting on you

Here's where I stand
Love me, Love me, Love me, and we'll make it through

I'm counting, Oooh,
I'm counting,
I'm counting, I'm counting onn....
Yooooooooouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

Rated my life

This Is My Life, Rated
Life:	5.6
Mind:	6.3
Body:	3.7
Spirit:	9.2
Friends/Family:	3.7
Love:	1.5
Finance:	5
Take the Rate My Life Quiz

Not sure I agree with the findings, but did find it interesting to take. Of course some questions were tricky for me cause I wasn't sure of the definitions they wanted.

People's Impressions

Well I've just had a freakin' odd moment. I linked to Jessica's blog that I've never seen before and saw what her inital thoughts on me were. This is perhaps the worst day so far for me to have seen this. If I knew that I wasn't the only Janna, I would totally think this was about someone else.

Janna: SUPER Bible-guru!! Knows everything! Strong moral fiber

She can't possibly be talking about me. I am NOT a bible guru. I hate to think that I give the impression that I know everything...this really sucks too. I think I know why she would say that, but I don't feel that it is true. Then I oddily giggle at the stong moral fiber. With that I know she isn't talking about me! It wasn't my intention to give this impression of me. I want to live in truth. The thing I despise the most is inauthencity, but now I feel that I'm guilty of this. Heck, I didn't go to church stuff today because I didn't feel strong enough to deal with being there. This really sucks...

Graduations

For most things, I don't enjoy dealing the tradition and rituals of life change. When it comes to graduations, I don't feel the same way. Yes the speeches can be boring and very similar, but still I love the celebration of some part of schooling being completed. The music (my phone even plays it!), the silly gowns (and what may or may not be on underneath), the individual recognition, the promise for the future, the original hats, and the uniqueness each school has to their graduating class. I've only been to two graduations this season. Friday, I went to one for two friends. It was odd hearing some of the awards being given, but the entire ceremony felt like a wonderful graduation celebration. When I received the invitation to go, I knew I was going to go. Oddily, my close friend was surprised that I wanted to go (hummm). I totally believe in education for personal or professional gain. Even though this was for a funeral school graduation, I was glad to be able to supportive by "whooping" and clapping for ours and the other honorees. I wish more people understood the accomplishments that people have in achieving graduation. Heck, I even went to some UTMB graduations, so clearly have I to care some about the education to be in that much of that crappy orange and hearing the awful song. Some people even celebrate their child graduating from kindergarten. I love that because it shows that learning is positive and to be achieved.
I did freak myself out though because I said to MandI that I will be thrilled to be invited to her children's graduations and she doesn't have to invite me to their weddings. Yeah...scary to think I trust that we will still be close in many years. I would get to clap for their award of graduation, and if they are like their Pop for their intelligence and most popular! Going to it especially after hearing about some of the battles they endure during their schooling makes it that much more special.
Also I've thought alot about some of my own graduations. On one of the Cottey boards they were talking about a tradition that goes with graduation. A few that didn't graduate ontime with their class didn't get to do that tradition. They have mentioned how it was tough to watch their class walk around campus singing for the last time together. Cottey made that part even more special because other than the few relatives trying to take pictures of it...only freshmen and seniors were really apart of it. It was like a passing of the Cottey senior life which the college administration regonized. We were all in white and no one really cared if you the gold around your neck, the color of your tassle, or the rose you may have held. It is odd talking to almunae who share vast stories of the experience, but their was unity in Graduation. When I finished at Meredith, I just wanted to get the heck out of Raleigh. I attempted doing chalk words with others whose identity should still be protected, but I didn't stay for the Pomp and Circumstance and walk. Can't tell you why I don't regret it, but my diploma was mailed and I had 2wks at The Greens...it was all good! I look so forward to the serious worshipful graduation that I'll have someday when I finish my masters. Being in a seminary graduation is a unique and touching experience because it is so unexpected.
The thing to ponder or more likely correct is how to allow myself to give the trivial parts of weddings and baby showers the same respect as the achievement from the dedication for a graduation.

Do You Clap for Lizards?

The other night the kids in the complex were out really late. It was ok cause they were all getting along pretty much. I spent some time with them, but I was trying to get gma's clothes folded. They hadn't been outside that late, I guess, or at least not on my porch. Well every year that I've lived here, I have had lizards and sometimes frogs on my porch for about five months. The bug light doesn't help them stay away. The kids were so excited that I had these on my porch. Every few minutes they would knock on my door to tell me what the lizards were doing. The excitement and screaming was the loudest when they saw the little frog that often comes out. Of course this scared the frog into my outside closest! After the seeing of the frog, I tried to teach them the BlaUmph song. Then I went in to get popsicles cause everyone was being so great. As I was coming back out, I was told to look "he is going back to his brother." One lizard was traveling to another lizard on the other side of the porch. A couple of the kids were telling "him" he could do it! They quickly had the popsicles, and finally gave me the trash. They rewatched the lizards and started clapping because one met up with the other. They were so happy the "family" was together.
Do we do that? Do I clap and smile with joy because the family is together? Do we clap and encourage families to get together? Should we do more than say encouraging words as families go on long journeys apart and sometimes have parts of light and darkness? Do families always know that the screaming they hear is encouragement?
I still don't like all the lizards as I come in the door, but I am thankful for what they can teach me.

Ducky Survey

So Lestlie has this thing on her MySpace page. I decided to do it also. I was surprised by the results...well not too much but alittle bit. I think I prefer the results from another survey thing that is on my blog.

Oh well...here is this new one. Probably too accurate.

Alvin Frontier Days with Austin Miller

I hope this slideshow thing works for you!

Ugh...Bible Quizzes

You know the Bible 98%!

 

Wow! You are awesome! You are a true Biblical scholar, not just a hearer but a personal reader! The books, the characters, the events, the verses - you know it all! You are fantastic!

Ultimate Bible Quiz
Create MySpace Quizzes

While on a MySpace page for someone from highschool, I saw a link to this quiz. I was a little disappointed in the ease in the questions, but then I remembered that it is only easy because of my exposure to it. Isn't it sad that we judge intelligence based on exposure? I know that some of it is motivation also, but I really believe more is based on opportunities. If I was never taught the bible, then I would not have done well on this quiz. Most of the questions were on the easier level. What this should do is make it a real desire of mine and ohter Christians to help others have the exposure. Yes, I know that there are people who could do well on this quiz and still choose not to believe in God, but at least they would have had a chance to encounter God. Too bad exposure isn't enough.

Breaks

This is going to sound odd from a single person, but I think having breaks from even the people we love is important. I know that this woman in the cartoon loves her husband, but especially being around him so much is draining. It doesn't mean that she loves him less because she wants/needs the break. Of course she probably needs it more because of her life of caregiving to him now. Being a caregiver by choice and by need are two very different things. One may grow into the other but they are different in approaches. I think I've really been able to experience that difference more now. I totally get what this cartoon is talking about because I was greatful for the 10-15mins of break time when a therapist came by. Even if I was being productive, I was mentally free for a bit. I'm still trying to learn how to balance at the nursing home since they often fail to meet my expectations of care. I'm just glad I can give them some days/minutes of a break with my own gma to be able to help her eat or be safe.

She's included

Seeing the name of her in the obituary was amazing. I'm actually glad Jerrese made me read it. The great-grand kid names weren't listed, but all the grand kid names were. Seeing Jerry Don's name and Joyce's name was surprising and special. I would like the courage to talk to Daddy about what he thinks of their names being included, but Richard said that Daddy didn't object. They approved it together. It was really nice to hear how much value Grandmother Ruth had for Joyce. If only I could have known sooner these people were still being somewhat connected to her. No clue what this will mean, but I do like knowing I'm not the only one who still loves her.

Quotes of Thoughts from Worship

These are the thoughts I have or the statements I hear during worship service in my church. I will edit new ones in to here occassionally so the date stamp really will not mean they are all on the same day. I'd say these are mainly for me to remember. Some of them I may be the only one who understands. If you've ever sat near me and read my "notes" during Bible Study or service, then you will remember how my mind works.
*****
Defending family includes church family -if my family is insulted too many times I want nothing to do with the one causing the hurt.
The gospel is about following God. Align with God -always!
Being with God makes me a servant.
His Glory is worth the suffering I perceive.
Where do I need encouragement from God to press on?
Are we willing to share our struggles here even on private post-it notes?
Surface issues to hide sins. Do I use these too much?
Sin is not gonna change till we change their/our hearts.
Making disciples is the work of the whole church, whole word, and whole ages...no exceptions!
Rejection is part of the mission.
Sometimes needs need to be challenged not met.
Parables: not facts, subject to world view.
Jesus spoke with OWN authority, His Wisdom. (Mark 1:27)
Is it about rightness or relationship?
Whose really right?
With what authority do we live our life?
Must act now to integrate His authority.
Busy is an external condition; Hurried - I can't receive or give love.
Am I tailgating, getting draft winds, or in the passenger seat?
In TLTWTW, the beavers give the prophecy.
Joy to the World not originally a Christmas song.
Church is only strong in prayer.
The NT focuses on corporate prayer more.
UGH! Why didn't I say in the video, "I don't believe I am belonging if I'm not serving."
"Whatever God wants, God gets" (instead of Lola in Damn Yankees)
Fear keeps us from really sharing; generosity brings contentment.
Can't sing I Surrender All with crossed fingers.
Hosea 6:6 God wants love from us.
Fear keeps us from serving, leads to disobedience.
Am I a have?
God never promised safety. (hummm..)
The worst the world could do is pain in Jesus.
Health Exams like conviction: Does it hurt? It is not susposed to.
Lost - a word of compassion for things of value.
Zacchaeus - a "danny devito" type. (in perception to crowd)
What if Amos 5:21-24 was read when the SBC met?
Denial - refusing to know what you already know. (ouch!)
Justice - restoring relationships
Righteousness - rightly related to God and others
Always Summer, Never Vacation. (instead of Always Winter, Never Christmas as stated in Narnia)
Do I try to put God in my image instead of myself in His image?
Liberalist - not expecting to hear from God
Temptations are everywhere. Jesus wasn't in NOLA when He was in the temples. He was in a place of strength when faced with temptation.
Validation isn't wrong. People know our value from our relationship to Him.
When God calls all to ministry He is really asking "Do You Love Me?"
Foolishness is not preparing for something certain.
Foolishness is depending on others for something that is my responsibility.
No electric power in the church: church doesn't know what to do?
"IF" you can do anything - belief with unbelief.
Mark 9:29 -connects the power to the need
We express our DEPENDENCE on God when we pray.
We express our SUBMISSION to God when we pray.
Why are we more prayer focused when we are less blessed?
Jesus knocks to get us to come out.
Why is it difficult to demonstrate love to those who hurt us?
There is not a point when we can no longer turn to God after acting unfaithful to Him.
There comes a point when it is healthy to write someone off because of his/her choices, but God doesn't do that to us.

Dirty Dancing 20th

Last night I went with a close friend to see the 20th Anniversary of Dirty Dancing on the big screen. I was a little disappointed more people were not at the theatre. When the movie originally came out, I wasn't allowed to see it, of course. When we went on a Girl Scout trip though, many of us watched it in the motel. I remember arguing about who could be "Baby." (The fun things Junior High girls fight over.) I have seen this movie way too many times. I watched the E True Hollywood story on it a couple of times. I even looked up some stuff online about it. When I worked at Ridgecrest, I have a special memory of the night that Dave took us to Lake Lure. This is where Johnny and Baby practice lifts in the water. My friend really went because I invited her, for she didn't have the same love for the movie. I did refrain some from saying all the lines I love before hand. It was funny to hear people actually giggle at scenes. There were a few times you could hear people singing the songs. Oddily people clapped for the most famous line...that we all know. Seeing it on the big screen made the people look different. Did you know Jennifer Grey has a mole on her lower right cheek? Did you know she only had like three pairs of shoes while she was at Kellerman's? Lisa's eyebrows and puffy lips don't look as abnormal on the big screen. Before the movie began, they had a 20min thing about the show and the theatrical production. It was very interesting to see "Vivian" being interviewed 20yrs later. If they hadn't put her name up there, we wouldn't have known this short haired woman was the busty bungalow bunny that tried to rat out Johnny out of jealousy. One of the guys mentioned about people knowing lines that aren't the big lines. Well here are a few of my favorites:
~Read it but return it. I have notes in the margin.
~No Lisa, it should be with someone who you sort of love.
~I carried a watermelon. I carried a watermelon?
~I envy you.
~Spagetti Arms. Lock Your Frame. This is My Dance space this is yours.
~What are you trying to kill me here?
......I'm doing all this to save your "arse" but what I really want to do is drop you on it.
~Go back to your playpen, Baby.
~Daddy listens when I talk now. You hate that.
~I could show you some moves.
~You're right Johnny doesn't matter what you do, you can't change the world.
~I think she gets this from me.
~I know it wasn't you who got Penny in trouble. When I'm wrong I say I'm wrong. You were beautiful up there.