Joyce

I find myself almost having to blog on this. Actually, I've gotten up out of bed to do this. There have been many times in the last few months that I've thought of things to blog. However, tonight I need to talk and at least I know my computer can listen. Granted I'm not sure how much I trust the computer with my thoughts/feelings.
Soooo...who is Joyce?
Well, she is someone I admired for many years of my life. I strived to be smart, helpful, creative, and encouraing like her. Even though she is outwardly beautiful and highly successful, I never felt less than able to become more like her. She always had a smile for me and helped me to feel that I could be all God wanted me to be. That I would find happiness and success in whatever area of work I went in. Because she is accomplished in business and a supporter of all women being educated, I desired for her to cap me when I graduated from Cottey. She disappointed me greatly when she felt she needed to make the decision not to come to my Cottey graduation weekend. Even though I still hurt from this, we kept in contact for about two more years. It wasn't much contact as I was in Raliegh and she has always hated writing emails/letters. We, maybe more so me, stopped communicating. I don't have a reason other than it being hard and awkward. Ever since moving back to Texas in 2000, I have used the computer to try to find her. I attempted way back in 2000 to use numbers that I did have but they weren't able to lead me to her. Although, I've thought of her almost weekly I didn't get the idea to Google her till about three months ago. Boom! Success! I found out how to reach her so I got the courage after about two weeks of holding on to her number. I left messages on her voice mail. This was a tough week for she hadn't called me back. Finally, the next week she called my cell phone while I was working in Richmond. I took some deep breaths and she told me she had been in Canada for business. I told her I'd call her back in the evening after the kids had gone to bed. That night I prayed that God would not allow the connection to go through if I wasn't to be making the phone call. It went through and we talked for about 30minutes. It was sort of a boring/informational phone call, but I think that is all that should have occured. Now I'm taking baby steps for more communication.
She called me yesterday while I was in the car with Mandi. I told her it was fine to talk while in the car with Mandi. My telling her this was also a comfort for me because at the time it felt safer having Mandi next to me in the car. Well, she recommended a book to read. Now, I don't like to read fiction books on a normal basis, but when she told me I should read this book on the NYbestseller list, I knew I was going to check it out. WHAT THE FREAK IS UP WITH THAT? (the wait is 20days for the library...cause I did see if they had it) Sadly, I don't feel that safe feeling that I used to have. I just know I'm too dumb, fat, unmotivated, and boring to be around her now, but I still love her and hate that I haven't known her for the last years.
The hardest part of this for me is that I don't have someone to bounce stuff about my relationship with her off of. I've attempted two people this summer, and neither can seem to get the glimpse of how this effects my head and heart. (I realize I may have to be better about sharing this, but I'm gonna need to have that insight and some understanding mixed in.) When I do get the chance to talk to one of the people again, I do hope that I'll be able to have more clarity for her.
As this computer thing is a public thing, there is of course, stuff I'm not typing in here.
The point to ponders: I really need to figure out how to commuicate or find someone that can lovingly understand some of what I'm feeling/thinking with gaining a relationship now. Is it me that is the problem or is it a mixture? Also, I do have to wonder if I had an intention in contacting Joyce originally.