Great News

ok...I have done the reading and even written notes for this week. The evenings have been odd this week so I kept putting it off. But I have Sundays, Tuesdays, and Wednesdays entries hand written. Monday I have some notes in the book. So I will be able to type them in there all by sunday night. I do wish the church hadn't already had the ministry fair but oh well. I do think it would have been better to do after reading the chapter. hopefully it doesn't motivate people to focus more on missions this sunday than they do the church. Yep, I know my additude going in is already defensive. Missions that revolves around Lottie Moon (international) gets too much attention. Heck, the past two years even the mission emphasis for america has been tainted with importance placed on the ministries reaching internationals. While this is an important part of our church and the only actually growing part, I wish there was more balance. So to add to all of this I will be helping with the international missions part of the fair we are having this sunday. isn't that funny? awww...but yes God loves the irony part of life.
I look forward to being on target again for the last week of this. Thankfully my sorry additude didn't last for the last three weeks of this. hugs to those who helped me regain focus.

Where is the post?

Because I said I'd be honest about this whole 40days process, I have to put this entry. I did start this thing with a positive additude despite some of the negativity I heard from some within and outside of my church. We've completed 3wks worth of readings so far. And now I have no desire to continue or at least I don't want to be doing it with the church. Sunday my hope and belief that God is going to bring light into my church severly began to fade. The ballots were passed out for the pastor search committee. Soon after I was handed mine (had to roll my eyes at the name spelling first), I noticed that many of the names are overly seen. I circled three names (not mine...ick). Then I decided that since we were told not to do it during sunday school or service, I'd look up the people in the directory and decide in the afternoon. Well clearly I didn't hear right about the voting, because the votes were counted during the sermon. The results were announced to the congregation (-me) at the end of the service. Sunday night I was enlightened that this had occured and to the names of the people on the committee. The committee is of only males. Some of these are the controlling males of the church. After reading the last purpose all about the church, I would have hoped for something to be different in these men and the church. I don't feel that is true and it makes me sick to even think about the future of this church. For me, there is no reason to keep reading with everyone although I did read yesterday afternoon. I know I will make myself get back to reading because I don't like to leave books unfinished. Right now it is just words on a page for I'm seeing it clearly like those that others elected are seeing it. (yeah the timing on this and governmental elections sucks) (I'm not upset that I'm not on it. That is a relief and I thankful.)

side note: thanks for those that drove all the way to the mainland (of course nine of us do call the mainland home) and tara (she was already on the mainland) to celebrate my 30th birthday a month later. it was odd that the interium pastor came...of course I'm sure that is partly cause I'm MrsPitt's granddaughter. what I don't get is why people at FBC-G think surprise parties are the way to go...most of the celebrations tend to be surprise parties. it was sweet of you all to come, decorate, pay, give fun card/gifts, and most importantly remind me that you love me. so everyone MandI's "surprise" birthday party will be Nov.27. (we can celebrate Tara's on the 28th still and it doesn't have to be a surprise since she is no longer FBC-G)

1/2 way point

Since we are now at the 1/2 way point I am beginning to question more the successfulness of this. I still question some thing about it but I'm working to stop those negative thoughs or at least not express them for I really would love for this to make a wonderful difference for all of our churches that are doing this in Galveston County. Granted I also need to think small scale to see how I and my small group people have begun to change. I hope to begin to see that expresssed in us.
Love,
Janna
***The Anonymous comment is junk but they can't be deleted so just don't pay attention to it.

Day 21 Sinners Wanted:Apply Within

The church should be unified so that people will see that love and want to be apart. But ain't that trick since we are all just a bunch of sinners. What a tangled web of mystery and challenge! Awww but when we are spun with unity more want to be apart of us and God wants others to be apart of us. I know I loved being in groups like this.
"Unity is the soul of fellowship. Destroy it, and you rip the heart out of Christ's body." what amazing imagery there to remind us of how important it is to work for unity together. I don't think I'd ever heard before that it was our unity that Christ prayed for in the garden. that does seem to have an impact. so we do have to work to have unity and keep it.
*Focus on what we have in common, not our differences. ok...got it. learn to work around the differences. OPPS! I turned the page. "When we focus on personalities, preferences, interpretations, styles, or methods, division always happens." GRRRRR... sooo often this is made to be one of the important things. this is often how we mess up the important things. I know that it gets under my skin when there are misinterpretations, and the SBC is famous for them. So I'll guess this is something to work on.
*be realistic in expectations. I do know this one. I know we aren't all perfect. I know not to run if at all possible. I know that I'm not to just walk out on the conflict. I'm thankful (even with the too long of drive) that God has me really doing this with FBCG instead of being hidden and content some place else. There is a quote from Bonhoffer that says we are to give thanks for our church so that the church can grow even if it is in a negative state. This was a reminder view for me to speak positively about this church again.
*choose to encourage rather than criticize. if you catch me judging you have the right and hopefully will stop it. I tend to not do this much because my sister got more of that trait (thankfully God is helping her with that.) but if I am doing it STOP me.
*refuse to listen to gossip. when the mess began about the hiring of a music person the sides were drawn and the gossip began. The night that lies were said about missing people I listened to the gossip and then took it to the ones that were missing. When I was going to the funeral home, I wanted to call Pete to make him say those words infront of the others. I knew the gossip was wrong yet I was sooo mad that I didn't care. I think we want to listen to gossip because of the power we seem to have. I know that I learned in Junior High the quote about people who talk about others also talking me. Sometimes I've have asked people what they say about me behind my back and when they are asked they have a look of shock in the question and then fumble an answer. Trust is necessary in the church so we have to figure out a way to give people importance without the spread of gossip. And a reminder gossip isn't just what is false.
*practice God's method for conflict resolution. they did this in Raleigh and it was effective. not only did the staff work for good interpersonal relationships, they also would step in if necessary so that the church wasn't hurt.
*support your pastor and leaders. even though I don't trust them easily, I do begin a relationship with staff in a supportive and encouraging way. It is sometimes hard to imagine that I will be in the position someday. I know it is VERY tough and they can't please everyone. I will gladly support and love the pastors that lead and show God's path.
"When God has a bunch of baby believers he wants to deliver, he looks for the warmest incubator he can find." I have said I wouldn't want to put my baby in the child care area of my church. Thankfully that is going to be changing. I have also said in other ways that I wouldn't want a baby christian in my church. I pray that my heart about that changes and that the reality of it is changing.
The Question to Consider: I try to be an encouager of various people in the church so that unity is protected. I try to look for positives even when I'm not in the mood for it. I've been praying since last March that the right, strong pastor will be brought by God to lead and unite this fellowship to do the great things it is commanded to be doing.

Day 20

well the reason for doing this is to make myself do it and hopefully get some changes. in all honesty I'd rather skip this day. this blog mess would be on target if I could skip this day. the title of this day is restoring broken fellowship. "Broken fellowship is a disgraceful testimony to unbelievers." Often I tell Christians that I learned alot about being a friend from being at Cottey. This was mainly a non-Christian environment. However, conflicts were addressed and real efforts made to be in harmony despite differences. Most of the time the suite or class became stronger because the conflict was addressed. I agree with most of his writings in this chapter. In fact I probably would teach most of it the same way. However, he left out how to proceed when the other party doesn't respond with these aspects.
The Question to Consider: Heidi is who the relationship should be restored with.
Throughout the reading of the chapter I thought about her, abusive steve, and the ending of what might have been a friendship.
Talk to God before talking to the person. Probably should also say to talk to God during the time also. I can't say that either of us did this before hand. I don't know that it was truly evident there was conflict brewing. So the more accurate way would be before dealing with it pray or when negative feelings begin about another to pray. I think that is more what the biblical examples actually say.
Always take the initiative. Doesn't matter if you are the offender or the offended. I've had some discussions about not doing the Lord's Supper if in a conflict with another believer. That is still confusing if the efforts have been made to deal with the conflict. For us, I did make the attempt to fix things the same night that it became clear there was conflict. But my effort didn't matter for I was stopped and told things were ok. Yet still later that evening a third party chimes in. "Delay only deepens resentment and makes matters worse." Again, I attempted to work this out, but then I was put off for a weekend. By this time, the resentment and questioning of the friendship had taken over. The choice made to put off talking to me and seeking counsel of others that can't be impartial caused me to be angry and believe there ever was love back.
Sympathize with their feelings. Perhaps because the conflict took so long to develop or the time of resolving didn't occur quickly, I wasn't really allowing myself to do this. "Focus on their feelings, not the facts." This is certainly not what I did with her side. Feelings are weaker than facts so I pushed those aside. Yet, as I consider it now the additudes and actions taken were more about feelings. Having to absorb anger or hurt seems unfathomable. Clearly we both failed in doing this. I'm not even sure we would have known how to do this.
Confess your part of the conflict. It is usually easier for me to do this in the beginning part of the conflict. After the time goes on and I haven't felt understanding or love, then I tend to hold onto the hurt and not see my own wrong. There should have been more clarity from me in the beginning. I should have been more direct before a conflict really became clear. Even in my saying that I'm not sure how I would have done that differently. So I can't say that I've learned from the experience. I can say I'm wrong however it helps when both parties do this.
Attack the problem, not the person. duh...isn't this a basic thing that we learn hopefully by high school.
Cooperate as much as possible. "Peace always has a price tag." Yeah most of the time it is probably a pride issue for me. Defeat doesn't sound good even if it means winning a relationship. I'm sure something is wrong with that thought. I think I also fear and have a problem balancing when it is pride or keeping from being a doormat. I worked on figuring this out as a senior in college, but I didn't put that much effort into it cause senioritis has set in so much.
Empasize reconciliation, not resolution. I don't know that this is always possible. I may feel that way because it does seem still like there is a winner and loser involved in some circumstances. For many times I am able to do this because it is ok that someone disagrees with me. It is just a whole different story when the heart is involved.

side note: With Tara's dog Hamlet, I'm kinda having to live out Christian love. He was mistreated before so he is very jumpy. This is somewhat taken out on me. I'm having to practice the prayer levels and working to gain peace with a dog. I think it is interesting that a large part of that has been happening during this week of readings.

Voting Purpose

I am an American. I don't like the lies and negativism in politics. I don't enjoy the Star Jones mentality of evilness on the other side. I do appreciate the right to vote. I wish they made it easier to be educated on the people and issues we get to vote for. Democrats and Republicans can be Christians. Our purpose as Christian American Voters is to pray about the vote God wants us to make for each part of the ballot. I wish I had something that I liked and throught provoked me about kerry also, but I didn't keep anything like that. However, this was sent to me a few months ago, and I appreciate the gathering of facts. Try not to vote based just on one issue...vote based on the heart of our one God.

"Let's clear up one point. We didn't start the war on terror. Try to remember. It was started by terrorists on 9/11 or actually before then. They murdered 3000 of us.
Let's look at the "worst" president" and "mismanagement" claims.
FDR led us into World War II. Germany never attacked us, Japan did. From 1941-1945, 450,000 lives were lost, an average of 112,500 per year.
Truman finished that war and started one in Korea. North Korea never attacked us. From 1950-1953, 55,000 lives were lost, an average of 18,333 per year.
John F. Kennedy started the Vietnam conflict in 1962. Vietnam never attacked us.
Johnson turned Vietnam into a quagmire. From 1965-1975, 58,000 lives were lost, an average of 5,800 per year.
Clinton went to war in Bosnia without UN or French consent. Bosnia never attacked us. Clinton was offered Osama bin Laden's head on a platter three times by Sudan and did nothing. Osama has attacked us on multiple occasions.
In the two years since terrorists attacked us in New York and Washington, President Bush has liberated two countries, crushed the Taliban, crippled al-Qaida, put nuclear inspectors in Libya, Iran and North Korea without firing a shot, and captured a terrorist who slaughtered 300,000 of his own people... We lost 600 soldiers, an average of 300 a year. Bush did all this abroad while not allowing another terrorist attack at home. Worst president in history?"
and of course comments are allowed here...this is america...we love our freedoms!

Day 19: Are we ready for Community?

"If you're tired of fake fellowship and you would like to cultivate real fellowship and a loving community in your small group and church, you'll need to make some tough choices and take some risks." I highly question if our church is ready to do this. I don't know that we are willing to do all that is required here for real fellowship. Without doubt I can say thing for I am part of the church and some of these requirements are frightening to me. I really don't get the feeling that the leadership is bringing the changes necessary in their lives so that the fellowship can begin.
*Cultivating community takes honesty. Usually in my own person, I want to deal with the conflict and move on. Wes is one of those people that this is the approach taken and it always works well. It is soo much harder when it is people that do everything to avoid conflict. Although sometimes someone claims it is to avoid conflict when they really hope it bothers another. I can't think of a time in my life that I've actually seen this on a church or Sunday School level. I do know that in friendships and family when it is hidden the gossip does thrive and hurt. Perhaps we all should learn how to do this so that we can know what it is like to grow closer. I think I've seen that happen on the 1 on 1 friendship levels.
*Cultivating community takes humility. If most people were asked what happened with the Pete conflict, many of them would say a problem of pride. It did build a huge wall/riff in the church. Much of that division left. The music battle is kinda in this area for we are soo focused on what we want instead of what others may need for music. The lack of service in churches is also from this for we tend to not want to serve in areas that man has labeled less important.
*Cultivating community takes courtesy. "...and being patient with people who irrateus." Humm...my inital guess here is that I'm the one that comes to mind in others when they consider who are their EGRs. (Extra Grace Required people) I like the rebels most of the time. With children, I gladly tackle the EGRs. It is much harder with adults and I tend to back away some with them. I know this is something I need to work on. One of the quotes that I read in junior high that has stuck with me said, "If we could read one another's heart, God would be relieved of much of his burden." This is very true if we could see the experiences of each other then we'd likely approach each other differently.
*Cultivating community takes confidentiality. ugh...gossip is one of the things that I hate. I hate it even more when I'm the one who is a cause of it. ick ick ick. and I hate that women are worse about it. i included in gossip things that one doesn't want shared even if good news. sometimes when someone is pregnant they may share it with a few but they don't want all to know yet so it should be kept silent.
*Cultivating community takes frequency. it sucked that I wasn't able to go last weekend. it was super to be filled in some by phillip and mandi, but it isn't the same. "This is why fellowship is so shallow in many churches; we don't spend enough time together, and the time we do spend is usually listening to one person speak." I do wish that we took more time for the relationship building as a small group. Sometimes I think that some left because they no longer felt a connection because we lost that relational time. Of course now it will seem odd to add this since it is so small, but I believe that it is something we need to happen.
hummm @ a covenant to include the 9 Characteristics of biblical fellowship that we learned in about in the last two chapters.
The Question to Consider: I've talked about this some with a few others. (perhaps that was gossip..ugh) I really think that we need to work on getting more of a fellowship environement for class time. In the church, as much as I like being in the know...I really need to start backing away from the gossip parts especially as the pastor hunting begins.

Day 18: Lifeboats - so heart will go on and on

Ahhhh yes, talking about true fellowship. First what a nice reminder with Matt. 18:20. Generally this verse is only used for prayer times so it good to remember that it is applicable to small group meetings also. While a male wrote this chapter, I'm curious about the male viewpoint with this for fellowship involves so much sharing of the heart. I know that I tend to back away from that also since it appears weaker, so it would be interesting to know how males approach this chapter. This chapter details what is real fellowship.
Authenticity - where the gut level stuff is shared. not just the people I can talk about Survivor with, but the people who can know why I last lost my temper. I know that I have a tough time listening to those who I not seen be real. Perhaps that is why I like this Sunday night testimonies right now for it is allowing some people to be real. with the history of this church and my own history, it is a scary thing to take the risk of sharing a true self.
Mutuality - this is the area that I'm having to learn the most in. As a single person it is a little more difficult to find and keep relationships of mutuality. The difficulty is because the new life long partner comes into the friend's life so the sharing of things that matter tend to move out of the relationship. While this is good and right for the pair, I'm still learning the balance from my role. On a basic level is the example of sending cards/emails, usually I try to make sure this is done mutually and with a good amount of feed back. in conversations, I don't want to play 20 questions because I want some of the give and take. An encouragement in this section was "we are not responsible for everyone in the Body of Christ, but you are responsible to them." So I think Lara should still be someone I do my darnedest to love but not feel guilty for the choices she makes.
Sympathy - UGH...the biblical word is sympathy yet all those psychology classes made me be tested on the word empathy also! That sucks! This is usually where people talk positively about their small groups. It is the times that someone gets socks, sunnyD, and a coloring book for me when I'm stuck with G-ma at the hospital. The monetary part of it wasn't as important as the fact of the smiles and thoughtfulness to provide the love. It isn't about the fixing the situation, it is about the loving in the situation.
Mercy - "Fellowship happens when mercy wins over justice." The FAITH verse that I struggled with the understand of application with was James 2:13 "for judgement is without mercy." It is the role of God to give our judgement, but it is the role of the small group to give the mercy. When trying to forgive someone it can be very difficult at times, I guess that is why Warren said it takes "massive amounts of mercy and grace." I know this also includes those that are no longer with me. Having to let God take the space of my heart where I've had the anger to those who I've felt hurt and pain from. Sadly my human mind thinks the resolution could be more painful than the retalialtion sometimes. And I also don't always like that it is God's role to judge and not mine.
to think on for a bit: "If someone hurts you repeatedly, you are commanded by God to forgive them instantly, but you are not expected to trust them immediately, and you are not expected to continue allowing them to hurt you."
The Question to Consider: The step to take today to be more genuine with a believer is what we've been attempting to do for a few days. It is to make a date with her and spend time together. I also need to make sure that my friend who lives far away knows she is loved despite the struggles she is also facing.

Day 17 a correction..grrr

well I looked on the saddleback website and didn't find it say it was SBC. Marian has corrected me by telling me that it is an SBC church. oh well..grrrr.
http://sbc.net/churchsearch/church.asp?ID=5683%2D92691

Day 17

hummm...membership --- About six weeks ago I had some discussions about this with a few people. To my knowledge Saddleback is not a southern baptist church, I think that is important because the views he has here then aren't SBC driven. I totally agree that we are to be responsible believers and join a church. If it comes the time for us to leave the church and find another then we should join the other church and the membership from the first be ended. I think that those who don't switch membership should be sought after fully till they remove their name from the original list. It is more than a list it is about the choice being made to no longer want to belong. And if the person on the original list is not going anywhere then it is those members responsiblity to pray for that person and bring them back. Can we have christian relationships outside of local membership? yes...but that doesn't mean the membership isn't still important. And I do agree that just attending even semi-involved attending isn't as pleasing to God as being an active member. To me that includes going to and voting in the ministry meetings. (yes churches need to do some work on these so that people see more of the God purposes in them) "God wants you to love real people, not ideal people." I've went to some ideal churches last year that I easily could have been hidden in and still been involved. The spiritual growth is much harder to have if we get too comfortable with just sharing with those we approve of.
*A church family identifies you as a genuine believer. hehe/sigh@ the different races and social status. sadly we aren't a good witness in this area to most of the world. I do think I value this one with my family cause so many of them do not attend anywhere and this does bring more question to me about their faith.
*A church family moves you out of self-centered isolation. this is a goal with the church. part of the sunday school testimony of FAITH usually includes the care shown through the church. I think we do this some but it isn't so much because of the church it is more from friendship. I hope that we are soon able to share more so that we will be less self focused and be able to care more about others in our church. (thinking more small scall first)
*A church family helps you develop spiritual muscle. there is the list of things we are to be doing for each other. the question clearly is...are we doing them? "We grow faster and stronger by learning from each other and being accountable to each other."
*The Body of Christ needs you. I think that the thrust of the events we will be having is for this. hopefully there is more clarity on where God wants me.
*You'll share in Christ's mission in the world. humm...so we could be doing missions together? Let's go to Chicago! This may come up later..but I find it soo annoying that the Texas and North American missions emphasis times get messed up by talking international also. Judea and Samaria were said first!
*A church family will help keep you from backsliding. now if you go back to the above thinking about membership this was somewhat done for me while I was hunting for a new church. even though I was told I could still be friends with one person even if I changed churches, there was still a constant care on my spiritual state also. of course I wasn't always honest about it but it helped some to know that was there. I know that it hurts my heart that I don't know how to get Lara back to where she needs to be and I probably feel the most responsible for that. another haha/sigh @ provides spiritual protection of godly leaders. Sadly in recent churches this has been the cause.
The Question to Consider: My level of involvement does not demonstrate that I am fully committed and love God's family. I know that I'm getting better with that again as my additude about the past changes. I also know that I still wonder to what level of involvement should I realistically have. Perhaps that will be learned during these weeks of decisions.

Day 16 10/27/04

"Because God is love, the most important lesson he wants you to learn on earth is how to love." While I knew that love was one of the most important things to learn, I hadn't ever thought that it is because God is love. Granted there are other ways to describe the Lord (light, truth) but it is His father who is love. He wants to be known for love and he gets known for that because of his children. Scary reminder that people know our parents because of us also.
I sooo love the reminder that we have to learn to love by being around irritating people! Sometimes the isoloation living does sound divine because it eliminates having to express love, but the withdrawl would take away part of our purpose to love each other.
"Life without love is really worthless." how interesting that all 10 Commandment are about relationships. when we are being loved and sharing love I think we feel the most joy. those who actually sense love seem to be able to carry on easier.
"Love will last forever." things of time are sometimes a hard concept especially with the intangibles. I know that it has been years since I've had some lovinging experiences but they still bring smiles to my face. While the material things don't matter, I think having material reminders of loving times is helpful. Pictures often do this for many people. Some times people keep movie stubs or chinese fortunes to remember a time with friends. Those things work for me at times, but a unique part of my remembering of love lasting is the ducks. They represent the days at Cottey when I learned a lot about God's love and love to others. I am reminded of my call to ministry. Mainly I'm reminded how I learned about conditional and unconditional love from a mass of women who each had her own characteristics. So yes love does last because it can impact years from the expression.
"We will be evaluated on our love." I'm printing up the little prayer in the book to give me a reminder to focus more on loving even on the hard days.
The Question to Consider: Most of the time my relationships are top priority. I faulter some because I don't want to be a doormat or just on call. I also try to watch myself from doing that to others. Timing can be tricky with catching up with friends, but I believe even the small jestures of a fun voice mail message can make a difference. It allows saying "hey I love you and I'm thinking of you" without actually saying the dorky words. To ensure that they are priority is to just keep in contact through whatever means are necessary. Thankfully we have phones, mail, and computers that allow us to talk to each other. Most importantly and often forgotten is praying for the friends that we currently have.

Day 15 10/26/04

I agree and know most of what was presented in this chapter. This chapter is about being apart of God’s family. It was his purpose in creating me to be part of his family. “Your spiritual family is even more important than your physical family because it will last forever.” Now some of us are blessed enough that those two over lap. I know that I am thankful my immediate family are children of God by choice. It saddens me that some of my extended family and Joyce are not likely apart of God’s family. The importance of the spiritual family has alwasy been clear to me. It didn’t bother me to be many hours away from my immeditate family, for I know my church family would be there. Church family isn’t just where my membership is...it is those with whom I connect as a child of God.Gotta say I chuckled about the benefit of our inheritance of being in God’s family. For some that haven’t read ephesians, it depends on what version of the bible you read on how much you get (hahaha!). I am thankful for all that goes with the inheritance!Baptism is certainly an important act. Even though I am southern baptist, I think that we don’t value this act as much as we should. FBC-TxCity used to always do baptisms in the evening from those who vocalized a profession of faith in the morning. I loved that when we were visiting.
The Question to Consider: I do treat other believers like members of my family. I adore some of them and keep distance from some of them. The real answer for this question should be the way that I will work to treat those in the church family I’ve ignored or avoided. Perhaps I will have to start being kinder to those “Y” chromosomes with leadership in the church. I also have to treat with kindness even those who I dont feel that from.

Day 14: I could have written this chapter

...But I wouldn’t have! For those that don’t have the book the title is When God Seems Distant.

“The deepest level of worship is praising God in spite of pain, thanking God during a trial, trusting him when tempted, surrendering while suffering, and loving him when he seems distant.” Often I am asked what class I liked best in seminary. My answer is Worship Leadership. This may be because of this very situation. I was in this class while I was going through the ordeal with NAMB. Every class day we spent time singing and/or praying together. Usually the professors just had us offering thanksgiving prayers. The songs were usually a variety. During that semester, I didn’t always want to go to my classes because I was confused with and angry at God for making me endure the NAMB ordeal. However, I didn’t want to miss this class. When our group led the service, I was very much apart of it (see Day . Our theme was Passion for Christ. I was able to worship in that service even though my heart was feeling like God stuck me in New Orleans as a cruel joke. Despite everything that was thrown at me by NAMB during this ordeal and my questioning/anger with God, my relationship and view of God grew stronger. The only way I know that I survived it was through the tape, hugs, prayers, and tears that were shared with some of those around me. I don’t believe that it was within me to endure that alone.
“Every Christian goes through it at least once, and usually several times.” I know that I have done it a few times. Perhaps because I did start my relationship at such a young age. When I first went to BayArea-FBC, I was certainly in the where is God mode. That entire service was worship for I was reminded that God helps us to be Survivors. I was able to acknowledge that despite not having a church to be apart of that the time that he still loved me and was going to see me through. The other part of this quote that I wish we focused on is that all christians go through it. I think we need to talk about it more. Do we treat each other like Jobs when God seems distant in someones life? Even if the distance is due to disobedience, conflicts, busyness, or other sins, I believe we are to still love each other through these times. It is sickening that we don’t.
Another day I said that I know it is ok to be express to God how I feel. I know that he can handle it even if he doesn’t give feedback. Sometimes this is hard. I wonder if this is harder for females especially womanly females. But I think approach this solution to handling the crisis most of the time because I know his character doesn’t change. Trusting God to keep his promises is the tough thing for progression seems so normal and to be the goal. I don’t know that I really get how to trust when it doesn’t make sense. or maybe I do but don’t think I do. (hummm..)
“Remember what God has already done for you.” Ugh, I know I get selfish at times yet I should be able to recall that God loves me sooo much. Not surprisingly to me, I attemted to skim this part of the book cause I didn’t want to read the crucifixion stuff. Then I made myself go back over it. Kinda like seeing The Passion of the Christ movie. I would NEVER recommend a movie that violent to anyone but I think EVERYONE (above age 10) should see it. In think of this we are able to remember that Jesus also felt God had left him.
The Question to Consider: The way I would stay focused is through some of the ideas in the book. Remembering God’s Promises, His Character, and What He has Already done would still allow me to worship. I wish I could say that I could stay focused by being around Christian friends, but I don’t know that I believe that is possible. While I did have that in the NOBTS bubble, there were also those that didn’t express love. Should I expect it to be better outside the bubble? I think this chapter should be marked in everyone’s books so that they can be reminded of the ideas when they begin to sense a distance from God so that worship can still occur.

Day 13 10/25/04

whoohooo the verse for the week. Since I didn’t get to attend Sunday School to show the way I memorized this verse, I’ll attempt to explain it here.
Perhaps some of you all will be able to learn it then it is sooo simple with simple motions. This past week’s verse was Mark 12:30 (NIV).Love (cross arms and give self a hug) the Lord (sign language L aross left shoulder to right hip)you God (point to heaven with flat hand) with all your heart (hand on heart) and with all your soul (disco like move with pointed hand swirling to sky) and with all your mind (point to head) and with all your strength (make muscle stance).Sadly I don’t have anything clever to remember the address with.
So the kinda of worship that pleases God is accurate, authentic, thoughtful, and practical. Seems simple and basic enough. “Worship is your spirit responding to God’s spirit.” That includes the personality that God gave us each to have. I don’t care what style of worship someone prefers but that it is able to be done. Back in the beginning days of attending FBCG, I requested that we stand for the comtemporary chorus time. It was because that is what my heart felt at the time yet it didn’t feel free to stand on own. Warren writes that God looks past the words to see the attitude of the heart. Also, God looks past the actions to see the attitude of the heart. We have this intecessory prayer time at FBCG and people are asked to come forward to pray if they wish. To me this is the oddest thing (even though I grew up with it) because it distracts me from conversation with God on my own because I hear the preacher guiding the prayer and since worship isn’t about me then praying collectively down front each week for all to see seems odd. I think this is one of those personality things. If I was to take part in going down, I’d be insincere. My focus would be on those around me, if I looked like a real prayer, finishing at the same time, and praying the preacher’s words not mine. For some this time may be real.
The aspect of the mind is included twice. Once for being biblically sound in our worship. This would come from know God as our friend. Warren doesn’t say that but that is how I think we are biblically accurate. The other aspect of the mind is to put some thought into how we worship. Even those who have a liturgy can have a thoughtful worship if the flow of the service is thought out. I do like the idea of using words that we don’t normally use to honor God. Perhaps one Sunday we will sing “Our God is an Impressive God, He rules from Heaven up there.” Yeah it isn’t musically as nice but it make me think a little differently about the song.
Practical worship is sacrificing our own self not the easy to part with self but the true self. It is the willing giving of time or personal praise. Some days I wish FBCG wasn’t filled with soo many intelligent and gifted people, for I think we miss some of the simpleness that can be in worship. And I know I’m as guilty as the others in the church for it can be harder to see someone who is less polished is still giving their all to God. It is in the doing of the heart that matters though.

The Question to Consider: For myself,my private worship is more pleasing to God. It fits the personality that God gave me. There is no questioning of what others will think. My verse memory for last week flows with that. I’m not gonna memorize something just from reading it over and over. Through making it an active part of my thinking I am able to get it. My private worship is able to have the diversity that I need and so I’m more able to make it real. “What will I do about this?” Ummm...keep on with it since it is pleasing to God. I’m not sure what response he was going for here other than the duh answer.

Day 12 10/25/04

Well first of all let me explain for those that don’t know the reason for the delay in posts. I have been ill since Thursday evening. So I’m now trying to play catch up with my posts on here. It reminds me of being in school and having to catch up with homework when out. So hopefully I will be coherent enough today to get a couple of entries complete.
Friendships take desire, time, and energy. I know that sometimes I am a crappy friend to God. I know that when I have been treated by human friends the way that I have treated God at times, I would want to just forget those friends. Thankfully, God doesn’t do that to me.
Being honest with God isn’t a struggle to me. I seem to keep recalling something learned at preteen camp when it comes to this. God already knows my thoughts so it shouldn’t be scary to vocalize them to him. “Genuine friendship is built on disclosure.” So what if God already knows it, it is in my telling him that my relationship with him deepens. He is capable of me being mad at him, and I love that about him. There are times that I let God know my anger and I still hold it some. But mending comes easier as I am real about the hurt. On the flip side, I think that God wants us to joke and smile with him also. He wants us to disclose the happy thoughts also. Sometimes a joyful thing will occur in my mind and it is just too odd to share with those around, but God will be happy to hear the laughter in me.Wow...I never thought about God being a bossy friend and it being a good thing. When we get to the being like Jesus chapter will we apply this? I truly think this is what keeps most from wanting to be a Christian. We really don’t express that we obey out of love and that brings us joy. We don’t do “works” because we need to do them to get into Heaven;we do works as an expression of our obedience. I’m not sure why this is part of friendship with God, but I think it is part of worship because it is offering ourselves in obedience.
One thing I still keep on my wall that I was given in the summer of 1994 from my mentor is a list of church staff guidelines. The relationship that the staff had with God was to be first. (1 Cor. 10:31) If we desire frienship with God first, then he will be first in our lives. As stated above sometimes the choice of friendship with God isn’t something I’ve chosen. Making the time for someone that is always around seems odd and perhaps that is why I don’t make the effort as much as I should. I think that if the desire is strong the time and energy will be there. But I also know that sometimes the time needs to be made so that the desire will become strong again. When I’ve been away from human friends for a bit, it is very easy to not make the effort. Thankfully, God keeps making the effort with me so that I don’t go completely off path.
The Question to Consider: Practical choices (yawn) aren’t really true to happen. This kinda sounds like a new years resolution to me or perhaps just giving the Sunday School answers of pray more, read more, memorize, etc. In order to grow closer to God, I need to make those activities have more worth. They need to not be routine but the desire to actually get closer with God each time.

Day 11:BFF 10/21/04

Teenage females are such a part of my life right now that the idea of lasting best friends seems like a myth. While I know that God is not a teenage female (see Day , some times the realness of a lasting relationship seems impossible. And this kind of rings more true for the only examples that Warren offers in having a friendship with God is of male except oh glorious “Eve”. Now I know that God wants me to be his friend even though he created me female. I just think it would have been nice for there have been a way to include the name of at least one female who was friends with God. But then perhaps we aren’t to approach Friendships with Women the way that we do. (humm...wouldn’t that destroy that book) Warren even says “Your goal is not a feeling, but a continual awareness of the reality that God is always present.” This may then be more difficult for the way God wired females to express and want shared feelings. When we are growing up and moving on with our lives we gain and loose friends because the feelings are no longer there. I know that Virginia, my long term elementary/jr high best friend, still is present in the area; however, this doesn’t mean that we are actually still friends. Even though we both still care about the other, we don’t feel a current friendship. It is about feelings. As changes have occured in my life through moves or others life changes, I know that some of those times we have not remained friends because the goal of feeling a friend was lost. This could be even after making an effort to keep the friendship going. So I think that continual conversation does have to be about feeling also, or else there wouldn’t be motivation for it.The song that came to me today is an Al Denson song that I’ve had on a tape I got in 1990 right before my family moved to AR. It is a song about Friends. The song tells the story of a little boy that prays for a friend and Jesus says that he can be the friend the boy needs. I totally remember coming home from a youth choir practice after being lied to and playing that song over and over. It also fit into the main thrust of my speaker’s tournament speech for that night after practice. Just because the church sucks at times, the friendship we have with Jesus can help us still grow ourselves and loves those in the church. Now I can see that was the point of the song...to know Jesus love and express it back. (grrrrr...I wish I still had it.) Even though Warren plays the trinity game, I think that the having Jesus as a friend encompasses the trinity.
The Question To Consider: There is something odd about me in that I don’t really not think about God. I might should talk differently with him. Even when I have been willfully sinning or planning to, my thoughts hit upon God. When I’m doing ordinary things, I have thoughts about my walk. I’ve pretty much always been this way. I can’t explain it either cause it isn’t that I’ve always made that effort. When Steven Curtis Champman did that Let’s Us Pray song, I thought it was normal to know the conversation didn’t end with amen.

Day 10 10/20/04

yeah yeah..of course there is a song to this day –> The Heart of Worship.
AS we were driving back from out visit with FAITH last night, we got to why Bay Area isn’t right for me. So we addressed a few of the things about the 2000 Baptist Faith and Message. So to read today at the beginning of this lesson the words surrender tied with submission, I was getting ready for battle. But there is no battle for surrender is much more of a willing offering. Of course there are battles with God on this. The book claims there to be three 1)Can I trust God? 2)Admitting our limitations. 3)Understanding what it means to surrender. ANYONE that knows me...heck even somewhat from reading these things knows that the first one is where my lack of surrender lies most of the time. Even with the list of evidences that God offers me for his love, I struggle with thinking/believeing that to be true. I’ve heard people I called friends say some of those thingss, but when it came down to evidence it wasn’t there. AW..but with God he gives physical evidence through his son’s death. Perhaps that is where thoughts should lie so that the trust can come.
“Victory comes through surrender,” Perhaps that is what should be posted on the mirror wall. Instead of Mark 12:30 (this weeks verse), I should be remembering that surrender brings peace, strength, and freedom for my daily life.
Favorite Quote (as also said sunday): “The problem with a living sacrifice is that it can crawl off the altar.” This is why the surrender must be constant.
The Question to Consider: I’m unsure on how this applies with the lesson. The area of my life that I’m holding back on is my forgivness of others. The held grudge till I see or him them say I was wrong generally stays with me. It varies it this effects on love for God.

Day 9: 7 love languages of God 10/18/04

First of all...Way TOOOO many songs came to my head while reading this. The graduation song of may God face shine down upon you, the Arky Arky, without faith it’s impossible, and of course humming Chariots of Fire. The ADHD was high when I read it and made marks in the book yester day so alot of the thoughts were skewed alittle. So this is all about what makes God smile. Well, I think it human terms it may be like Chapman’s Love Languages then the only catch with God is that He is love so we gotta do them all (yeah I could count, there are only 5). Of course depending on who I am some are easier than others.
“learning to love God and be loved by him should be the greatset onjective of your life.” The loving God part isn’t as tough as being loved by him. Seriously, I think that allowing God/others to love me is much more difficult. Perhaps that is because of the later part of obeying wholeheartedly when I don’t trust it. Yeah, I get that Noah didn’t even live near water or know what rain was...but still it is difficult to trust God completely without knowing what is to come. (and on odd thing about yesterday is that God put a rainbow in the sky in the afternoon)
A basic point was the praise continually. DUH! One difference in my desires for personal praise and God’s is that God knows easily if the praise is fake. So the goal would be to be more joyful first so that the praise to God can be true.
Just an in appropriate giggle momment –> “God smiles when we use our abilities...be fruitful and increase in number.” Sadly, Grayson has yet to preach David’s sermon about Where Are The Men?, so I guess I don’t get to follow the instruction with this ability. (I somewhat apologize for distorting Warren’s thoughts but it sooo made me laugh.)
That is also a basic to me. It isn’t basic in how we often treat people and the importance of their abilities. The concept though has been drilled into me since I was a WeeOne. (for nonreaders–the Chariots of Fire thing is here because the runner in the movie realizes it is for God’s pleasure that he runs.)
The Question to Consider: UGH...a question on trust. In the here and now, I need to trust God financially and church home spiritually. I need to believe that He know that I’m where I should be. In the back of my find, I hope taht God hasn’t forgotten my personal future for after grandma dies and it is time for me to work a normal job again.

Interesting yet becoming frightening thing: We are nominating the people we think may be good for the pastor search committee. Two people asked me on Sunday if they could put down my name. This shocked me and now has me quite nervous. Heck, I couldn’t even get my name on the Children’s committee and people think I’m capable of serving on such an important and politcal one? Since we are doing this whole purpose thing, think that people who belong on it should be on the committee. Yes it is an kind of an honor. I dunno if that is right for me or not, so I’m on the prayer thinking of the possibility in actually doing this.

Day 8: God is Not a Teenage Girl 10/17/04

Ok the title fits for the Small Group lesson mainly. But since that lesson goes with the readings it flows well here also. This is beginning the first purpose which is worship. The main concept behind all of this is that we were created for God to love. I first became familiar with this concept while on campstaff. Camp was highly geared for teaching about God’s love, so it stands to reason that Dr.T would teach this. I think it is interesting that this is when I learned this concept. Even though being on camp staff was tough and I somewhat felt out of place, I never felt like I didn’t have value. This feeling continued on to my time at seminary, and it gave me all that I needed to do well in my worship leadership class. The most surprising thing about this is that in my group project...I wasn’t on the platform but I still felt accomplishment and importance in my role. I came to later find out that my part of the project had been shared with the professor over children’s ministries. She just happened to also know me because of camp. To me this is important because while I do believe that women can be on the platform, it may not be my purpose to be up there often. I discovered and felt God’s love for the background person in that time. Selfworth hasn’t really ever effected me, but worth in the church had. My sister would say things to me that would let me know that she noticed how I had an inner strength of self worth. I’ve learned through being here in the Galveston area that it wasn’t a personal inner strength. It was my reliance on and willingness to love God. And I can bring love/joy/pleasure back to God by doing what he has designed me to do...that is worship! simple!
Psalms 113:3 – perhaps I’m getting some conviction about mornings cause it keeps coming up to me. this verse says to worship from sunrise to sunset. I find myself not so much worshipping with the sunrise but with the moon in full glow. I know the point of this verse it to worship continuously for when the verse was written that is when people were awake. but maybe through this I’ll be better able to offer praise to God in those snooze button rounds.
The Teenage Girl Analogy – this because part of my thinking this morning in small group because it dawned on me that sometimes teen girls will have a baby because they want to have something to love. it was pointed out that they actually do this so that they have someone to love them. while God does have emotions, to me it would limit God to say that he just created us because he didn’t feel loved. he does just ask that we love him with all our heart, soul, and mind but it isn’t because he is feeling some void that has been hurt. That is the conclusion I’ve come to thus far with this.
A challenge I’m going to face next sunday is that we are going to attempt to answer the worship question. IMHO, I think that these are more fellowship questions. They are tougher because that make one be real with others/self. I also think this is what is needed to get over the surface level of intellectual learning. So yes it frightens me greatly, yet I know the importance.
Get To Vs. Have To: Just have to say thanks again to camp for teaching me the importance of the difference of these words. The challenge each Wednesday to not say “have to” was a great reminder of attitude.
The Question To Consider: The common task that I could start doing as if I was doing it for Jesus is going to be to offer at least four Random Acts of Kindness/Encouragement each week. These will be more than just normal life being nice, but where I’ll actually get to make an effort.

Day 7 10/16/04

YEAH! We’ve done it a week and I’ve basically stayed on task and not had too many negative thoughts. Those mainly just occured on the opening day of all this.
This chapter is another one that is pretty basic. Did anyone else want to sing the Ecclesiates Beatles song? (for every season..turn turn turn) The point of it is praise so it follows that music would come to mind. ALTHOUGH, I hate it when we think that bringing praise is just that. The five purposes that all this is focused on will hopefully change that mind set. The tough reminder in this lesson is that “everything God created reflects his glory.” Yep, that means all those icky Texas roaches, that we have to chase down with spray and then stomp on (or cover with a cup), bring glory to God. That means that cop that pulled me over for speeding brings glory to God. That hurricane that destroyed soo much brings glory to God. That baby that is no more brings glory to God. That flat tire brings glory to God. That jerk that demands his wife stay home with kids and then move from family can bring glory to God. Some of these are tough to accept. But the point we are suspose to get it the decision to follow the purpose and let the purpose bring that glory for God. And the icky reminder is that following that purpose (again)will require changes. I think that by choosing to follow the purpose path set for us we gain the most on the third step of BECOMING LIKE CHRIST.
The Question to Consider: I am most certainly NOT a morning person. As I drive to TxCity in the mornings, I don’t see the sunrise as something wonderful God created. The sunrise is a nusicance. I need to make my mornings be more for his glory. Through being thankful for that beautiful sunrise, those funny kids waiting for the bus, and Chloe greeting me with a toy are all things I be thankful for God placing in my life. Guess I’ll have to work on that.

**side note: I attended a mission expo today. This was an interesting time for me to do so, but it helped me be able to speak about my NAMB experience. When I saw one of the previous directors from a New Orleans center, I considered leaving. Thankfully, I didn’t and I felt some encouragement as I looked at the tables of the baptist centers in houston. I met the snickers lady that we talked about at camp in '98. I’m including this experience on the blog because a good portion of my lack of focus is because of the struggle I faced with NAMB. Also I’m including it because one of the volunteers with ESL quickly pegged me as someone with a heart for kids (funny and scary to me).

Day 6 10/15/04

I guess I have to play catch up today. Thursday night I couldn’t recall my password so I ended up taking advantage of that and not doing it. So today I’ll have to do another one to get things back in order. It is tough to stay on top of things with journaling. The reading part isn’t tough but forcing thinking on it can be tiresome.
ANYWAYS! (I don’t care if it isn’t correct, but I like the “S”My favorite quote that I probably shouldn’t actually like to follow is “You won’t be here long, so don’t get to attached.” The surface level of things seem to be best...at least at first usually. We get this concept of temporary living when we move or encounter someone who hates where they have moved. If you hate it then you don’t try to find the good...you just think about moving out again. So do we truly become ambassadors then. I know that I don’t respect when people don’t try to live in the life that they are presently given. Some are so negative about they area they live that they try to bring that negativity into all that they do. The weather may not be what you had as a child in yankee land, but there are lives to touch in your new area at the beach. The time may be temporary, however am I/are we using it to full impact.
The Question to Consider: I’ve kinda already addressed this because I don’t view this temporary assignment on earth as time for popularity and wealth. If a change had to be made, perhaps I am to then be more aggressive in caring about those in the temporary life.

Day 5

"How do you see your life?" with my eyes!
I know that I’m usually the one someone who can easily come up with colorful descriptions, but nothing came to my head yesterday. So I’m glad that isn’t the tough question from this chapter. Life isn’t party, marathon, race, or game to me...it is all of those things. Life can be those things and still be part of God’s view. Perhaps when life is a party, God is testing us on having fun. Perhaps when life is a marathon, he is testing us to perserver. The idea of life being a trust is somewhat scary at first because of my fear of the idea trust.
Life Is A Test: Most of this seemed basic and understandable. I think anyone who has been a Christian for awhile knows that the challenges that God gives us are to make us stronger and reveal us. Sometimes we fail and sometimes we succeed. It is always encouraging to read the names of those biblical failures also so that we know we can still overcome those times we don’t pass. But for me the eye opening part in this section was this statement. “A very important test is how you act when you can’t feel God’s presence in your life.” Whoa. Do we ever hear that? No, I always hear the Footprints version saying God is carrying me when I don’t feel him. I kinda want to read more about Hezakiah, for I think except in some spurts I felt like this during my beginning of being here. It is kinda scary also for I didn’t really score as well on the test as I would have predicted or hoped. I kinda forgot that God was an option for He was always there. I know I have human friends that I’ve treated that way also. I know that I’ve been treated that way also. I’m not sure of the solution on the friendship level, but I’m aware now of some of the study and heart work to up my grade to getting back to where God left me at. (for those who aren’t reading it...it doesn’t say I lost salvation...grrr..it is that he draws himself back to test or reveal)
Life Is A Trust: Now coming from a California pastor it doesn’t surprise me that this somewhat seems to be very environmental. Clearly I’m not very responsible cause I don’t have much. I do take care of the nature things and try to be careful with it. I question the money part of things with this for where I am in my life right now. When I did semester missions, we were instructed to not tithe. We were told that God didn’t expect us to. I sadly don’t recall the reasoning with that. Since I’m at this place in my life right now, I do tend to justify my lack of trust to God with the financial. I’ve even had some people I respect say that it is ok with what I am financially giving back to God right now. Perhaps, this isn’t true. But yes that would be a terrifying thing to give more back. when money seemed in more abundance, it was so much easier. maybe the outlook has to change. I think that southern baptist falter in this area for we put so many on committee that may have too much responsibility or we don’t put them on and don’t give the chance for responsibility.
The Question to Consider: The recent test from God that is clear was a test of my reaction to my family being here for my birthday. I think the greatest thing that God has entrusted to me at this time is Grandma. Not that I really own her, but I know that I have to oversee her.

Day 4 10/13/04

oh joy! On day two it is birth and this time it is about death. ok ok...it isn’t really about death...it is about lasting after death but still!One thing I think is interesting is that the bible refers to our bodies as tents, houses, and temples. Even though that is a new testament verse, I think I’ve only heard things harped on about the body being a temple. Interesting to see the other perspective.
I LOVE C.S.LEWIS! “There are two kinds of people: those who say to God ‘Thy will be done’ and those to whom God says, ‘All right then, have it your way.’” When I think about it I usually thing I want my way (like the RichMullins song also). However to have it stated in this way is clear about how harmful that is. Even though that is something I know, the humanness in me makes me want to consider my own way first. And then he used Narnia...awwwww! One of the best reads for a variety of ages. I so remember the last book being last battle before the gloriousness (is that a word?) of Heaven. Definetly does more for wanting to follow Christ than Paradise Lost.
Now I’m curious to know what the Carnes and those that work with them think about his talking on death. When the new funeral home was opened up, I was asked what it was that made me uncomfortable. It isn’t anything shallow or morbid. I choose to not talk about death because it is gross and human saddness on earth can be associated also. And sadly there is also that Hollywood influence of fear although I don’t actually believe in ghosts. It is ok not to talk about death yet have a positive outlook on eternity!
The Question to Consider: Because I was made to last forever, I should stop ____. I don’t know the best answer for this other than the “sunday school” quickie of sinning. Thinking about it I don’t know what else would go into that blank for anyone. Perhaps he was asking what sin. If I answer with that, I’d have to say my negativity. The thing I should start doing is giving more value to people again. I stopped that when it seemed to have failed with the FBCG mess. With one of the FAITH visits, I’ve been thinking how it is important to let people know of their value even in the little things. To give that value may reduce their burnout and perhaps help them in thier purpose.

Day 3 10/13/04

What Drives My Life? I think this one is a little odd cause I wouldn’t say that it is ever just one thing. The list that Rick Warren gives has five most common things that drive us. 1)Guilt 2)Resentment and Anger 3)Fear 4)Materialism 5)Need for approval
There are most certainly times of my life where I make a decision based on the first two. I think that when the first two don’t seem to be working for me I fall into being driven to approval. I know this chapter is still the befinning but I’m hoping this doesn’t get over simplistic in how we make the change. I know that I usually justify mysefl waiting for other side of my wrong driving force to change. While I know that it doesn’t hurt NAMB for me to be ticked with them, I tend to hope that because of it things will change. Then I also think that the guilt is sometimes seen in anger for me. Getting rid of these are important, but is rick going to give a simplistic solution?

(note: I do agree that using non-typical translations is a good thing. I’m sure it is bothering some of the more theological of you. reading the message, living bible, and contemporary english version doesn’t water it down for me...it places it more into applying it now. i’m surprised I became this way.)
Then he gives the five benefits of being driven with purpose. 1)Gives meaning to your life 2)Simplifies life 3)Focuses life 4)Motivates life 5)Prepares for eternity.I totally agree with all of these. I know the importance of the motivation really lives on in how I approach things. On a Monday FAITH visit, I wish I had remember that God wants us to serve but simply in our purpose. I think many leave from church burnout because the simplification isn’t available. I know we also leaver from lack of motivation. I don’t know that I’d ever thought about the two quesions we’d be asked when we get to heaven. I think it is interesting and important to begin to think of what I’m doing for the second question.
The Question to Consider: I don’t know what y'all would say is my driving force of my life. I would guess that many of you would have different views, so it would come from a variety of the ones offered. Perhaps we will discuss this during the 40days. Of course I want my driving force to be God. HOWEVER...if that was totally true then God would be..soo clearly I’m letting other forces drive most of the time instead. I do at least know that God still had control of my car and I know that he is the mechanic and controls the breaks.

Day 2 10/12/04

What a doozy of an emotionally and spiritually trying day! The focus of the lesson on this day is how God planned and formed us even before we were created. I’ve flip flopped all day with this being good or not. The reason for this is that my sister had a DNC (described to me to be like an abortion) today because of a miscarriage. It is tough to read all these paragraphs about the prebirth child when I know that this child is no longer. God knows how long He will allow us to live. He decides all the details of our body...but for this child He chose not to give a body. He determines talents and personalities...but for this child these were never experienced. All these words about how it is God’s plan for this child and not the parents. Yet, it is hard to picture the love of His creation when his creation has died. Today, I was able to do the first read through in probably one of the best places down here for me. Grandma and I were at BayStreetPark and as she feed the ducks, I read the chapter outloud. We were in the creation of detail that God has created because he loves us. We were created for God to express love. Perhaps this baby was created so that love could be redirected to my sister. I don’t know and I don’t want to dwell on this right now. The chapter ends with a poem that reminds us of our uniqueness. Upon the first reading, my thoughts were very much with the feelings and lessons that we had when I was on camp staff in Florida. The value that we have to God for our own specialness is such a thing to remember. I don’t know if it was just because of the emotional aspects of the day, but I think this chapter would be good to reread when not feeling loved by God.
The Question to Consider: Wow...a stinger with honesty needed! The question asks “what areas of my personality, background, and physical appearance am I struggling to accept?” For a while one of the things that I struggle with accepting is that God made me a female. But I don’t think this is really asked with the question. In my background, I’m really going to have to face the NAMB situation. Jo, from NOBTS, pegged me last spring by noting that I’ve been off kilter since then. The personality part of me I haven’t really picked something about. Perhaps that is because of how it is worded in the question or possibly that I know personality changes over time. Physically isn’t the weight thing (although health wise that should be important)but it is the hair factor.

***tonight was FAITH and I felt comfortable and stronger because I reread this chapter on my way to there after talking to Mandi. It is true that the fellowship part is important and even though we didn’t talk about feelings really...the care was there and helped me focus for the evening.

Day 1 10/11/04

Well I read this day a few days before since my parents had given me the book about last March. But I reread it on saturday evening. I LOVE the verse for it. Colossians 1:16 is a verse I know already through a memory verse tape I have, so I keep singing it as I read it! Big thought on this day is that we don’t get to choose our purpose. WOW! that takes some sinking in time. Makes me giggle about the whole predestination mess that some like to discuss...wonder how all the non-Calvinites handle this book?
Mainly tough after reading this first section, I’m wondering how it will all apply to me. Seems like I just read a chapter so I’m not too thrilled yet about it all. Perhaps it gets better. I do know after Sunday School time today I was a little nervous about what we may face in the future lessons with things in our life that we need to change. Although I do hope that it gets comfortable to do that in Sunday School since heart matters really haven’t seemed important to me in there. I’m sure that is just as much me as it is other factors...but it is still scary!

The Question to Consider: I can remind myself that life is really about living for God by thinking and praying for Joyce, my half-sister.

Introduction 10/10/04

HOWDY! I’ve decided that I’d do a thought process blog of my time during the 40 Day of Purpose. Some people have asked me questions of what I think about it and I really am wanting to be careful on how I discuss it. The thing I fear with this is the struggle to be honest when I know others can read it. However, I also think this may be a good thing because I may focus more on the positives. Doing this is also positive cause it makes me accountable to the readings and thoughts that are to be done during these next 40days. Many know that I kind of despise journal writing so this will also be a challenge to me. I’m looking forward to the possibilites that many seem to think can come from this time.
On Saturday, we had the get to know about this program breakfast. Alot of what was said on the DVD is what I learned/heard in various seminary classes. Of course some of it I had forgotten and more of it I had not applied. One of the things that I kept being reminded in my head is that this is NOT a program from the SBC. I’m thrilled by this for somehow it makes it more relevant in my brain then to be able to share my experiences with others. One thing that stood out to me with each of the purposes he overviewed are:
WORSHIP – “There is no such thing as Christian music.” I loved that he was bold enought to say this. I know that worship is so much more than music, but I appreciated him addressing this.
FELLOWSHIP – “I like you just not your body.” I’m a fat chick so I know when this is sad without even saying it. But this statement is saying what people really say when they claim to be a christian but not like church. I get that we have to get deeper so that people what to touch the body of christ (church). Perhaps that “personal space” will have to change. (bonus:the DVD had a snippet about sunday school value during a family miscarriage and it emotionally drove home the point more.)
DISCIPLESHIP – “For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory.” 2 Cor 4:17 I forget the doozies I am faced with are to make me stronger. Christ had struggles in his life as we will also..that is how we become like him. I don’t know that I’d ever really thought of it in this way before.
MINISTRY – The only thing that stood out to me here was more in a negative way. I know that I’m not being used or I’m not offering myself according to the way God has shaped me to be. Too often I think people have their role in the church and get stuck into it and there isn’t the ease of allowing another or to bring change into that. Are couples the only ones who can read? Do I need a Y chromosome to pray? Does one have to be old to greet? Why is there so much politics in ministry? I hope my additude improves by the time we get to this section, but I also hope that some of these question I have are addressed.
EVANGELISM – This is the only one that is focused outside of the church. and as Mandi pointed out this is the only one that we don’t practice for Heaven. I’m looking forward to the Missions Fair so that I can see what values other than internationals that we give to missions. I also home that my NAMB additude will heal through these 40 days.

May the Journey of feeling and loving my purpose begin!!!!!

HOWDY and Welcome

Ok well I switched places cause the Christian one wasn't that great. It would cover over most of the time and it was also harder on me for the entering in. So I moved to hear were I have a few friends that are on it. The previous posts have been cut and pasted to here. Sorry for the inconvience.
~Janna