Day 2 10/12/04

What a doozy of an emotionally and spiritually trying day! The focus of the lesson on this day is how God planned and formed us even before we were created. I’ve flip flopped all day with this being good or not. The reason for this is that my sister had a DNC (described to me to be like an abortion) today because of a miscarriage. It is tough to read all these paragraphs about the prebirth child when I know that this child is no longer. God knows how long He will allow us to live. He decides all the details of our body...but for this child He chose not to give a body. He determines talents and personalities...but for this child these were never experienced. All these words about how it is God’s plan for this child and not the parents. Yet, it is hard to picture the love of His creation when his creation has died. Today, I was able to do the first read through in probably one of the best places down here for me. Grandma and I were at BayStreetPark and as she feed the ducks, I read the chapter outloud. We were in the creation of detail that God has created because he loves us. We were created for God to express love. Perhaps this baby was created so that love could be redirected to my sister. I don’t know and I don’t want to dwell on this right now. The chapter ends with a poem that reminds us of our uniqueness. Upon the first reading, my thoughts were very much with the feelings and lessons that we had when I was on camp staff in Florida. The value that we have to God for our own specialness is such a thing to remember. I don’t know if it was just because of the emotional aspects of the day, but I think this chapter would be good to reread when not feeling loved by God.
The Question to Consider: Wow...a stinger with honesty needed! The question asks “what areas of my personality, background, and physical appearance am I struggling to accept?” For a while one of the things that I struggle with accepting is that God made me a female. But I don’t think this is really asked with the question. In my background, I’m really going to have to face the NAMB situation. Jo, from NOBTS, pegged me last spring by noting that I’ve been off kilter since then. The personality part of me I haven’t really picked something about. Perhaps that is because of how it is worded in the question or possibly that I know personality changes over time. Physically isn’t the weight thing (although health wise that should be important)but it is the hair factor.

***tonight was FAITH and I felt comfortable and stronger because I reread this chapter on my way to there after talking to Mandi. It is true that the fellowship part is important and even though we didn’t talk about feelings really...the care was there and helped me focus for the evening.