"I don't want the Mark"

So I've had poison ivy rash for the last two weeks. While I've been healing, I've told the neighbor kids that I couldn't play. I also showed them my arm to show them why. The rash is almost all gone and they were out playing tonight. I decided to go over to chat and meet the cousin. The boys were making the stairs into a jungle gym. I caught one of them and gave a backward squeeze. He talked for little bit like that, but then he said "I don't want the mark." It was so funny because that is how they totally see the poison ivy. I'm white with red marks. After giggling, I assured him that he was safe. Sadly, I'm not sure he is convinced about it.

But it got me to thinking about the future. Currently, I say I don't want someone else to have the mark. How awful is it going to be when loved ones are saying "I don't want the Mark." With the books, blogs, and life I've been experiencing lately, I'm even more consumed with the urgency of my role in help to impact others for God. I don't mean that in a evangelistic freak way, but in a way that makes me want others to truly know the love and saving power of Christ. Even though I'm reading the books and blogs, I don't feel like I get how we move forward. One of the books actually bores me because somehow I am already able to have the relationships he talks about. I don't know how or why this is a trait in me, but I can't think of a time when it wasn't. I so want to get out of the head/heart mode though into actually doing or feeling like I'm doing. It sucks because I haven't really connected with someone in 3D land with that similar spark. I want to be able to wrap my God around people so that they will not have to be left to say "I don't want the Mark." Now...just how to do that?

Here's Where I Stand

This clip is from the movie CAMP. There have been some American Idol auditions with this song also. Since I first was impacted from this song after seeing it in the movie, I thought I'd include the original source. I'm not giving a recommendation for the movie but it does help to have seen the movie to understand her impact of her singing it.

However, that is the movie and this is me. I feel like I've attempted to sing this song before to others. (I mean singing it in my head of course.) Now I feel like it is being sung to me. I find it interesting that it takes confidence to say that we need to rely on someone else. To realize we need to and want to move forward yet we need love to do so. Scary to think about the power in giving that love when we aren't in agreement. But I think the love is asked for and can be given even when not in agreement or understanding. Perhaps that is what is means to "not be a child any longer."

Here in the Dark
I stand before you
Knowing, This is my chance to show you my heart
This is the start, this is the start.

I have so much to say and I'm hoping
That your Arms are open
Don't turn away, I want you near me
But you have to hear me.

Here's where I stand,
Here's who I am
Love me, but don't tell me who I have to be
Here's who I am,
I'm what you see.

You said I had to change and I was trying
But my heart was lying
I'm not a child any longer
I am stroooongerrrr

Here's where I stand,
Here's who I am
Help me, to move on but please don't tell me how
I'm on my way, I'm moving now


In this life we've come so far
but we're only who we are (who we are)
Courage of love (Courage of Love)
will show us the way (Show us the way)
Unlock the power
To stand up and saaaaa--aaaaayyy (Stand upppp)

(Up and say!)
Herreeeee's where I stand
Here's who I am
(Stand Up) I'll be counting, counting on you
If you're with me, we'll make it through

Here's where I stand,
Here's who I am
Love me, Love me, Love me, and we'll make it through

Here's where I stand,
Baby, Baby, Baby, I'm counting on you

Here's where I stand
Love me, Love me, Love me, and we'll make it through

I'm counting, Oooh,
I'm counting,
I'm counting, I'm counting onn....
Yooooooooouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

Rated my life

This Is My Life, Rated
Life:	5.6
Mind:	6.3
Body:	3.7
Spirit:	9.2
Friends/Family:	3.7
Love:	1.5
Finance:	5
Take the Rate My Life Quiz

Not sure I agree with the findings, but did find it interesting to take. Of course some questions were tricky for me cause I wasn't sure of the definitions they wanted.

People's Impressions

Well I've just had a freakin' odd moment. I linked to Jessica's blog that I've never seen before and saw what her inital thoughts on me were. This is perhaps the worst day so far for me to have seen this. If I knew that I wasn't the only Janna, I would totally think this was about someone else.

Janna: SUPER Bible-guru!! Knows everything! Strong moral fiber

She can't possibly be talking about me. I am NOT a bible guru. I hate to think that I give the impression that I know everything...this really sucks too. I think I know why she would say that, but I don't feel that it is true. Then I oddily giggle at the stong moral fiber. With that I know she isn't talking about me! It wasn't my intention to give this impression of me. I want to live in truth. The thing I despise the most is inauthencity, but now I feel that I'm guilty of this. Heck, I didn't go to church stuff today because I didn't feel strong enough to deal with being there. This really sucks...

Graduations

For most things, I don't enjoy dealing the tradition and rituals of life change. When it comes to graduations, I don't feel the same way. Yes the speeches can be boring and very similar, but still I love the celebration of some part of schooling being completed. The music (my phone even plays it!), the silly gowns (and what may or may not be on underneath), the individual recognition, the promise for the future, the original hats, and the uniqueness each school has to their graduating class. I've only been to two graduations this season. Friday, I went to one for two friends. It was odd hearing some of the awards being given, but the entire ceremony felt like a wonderful graduation celebration. When I received the invitation to go, I knew I was going to go. Oddily, my close friend was surprised that I wanted to go (hummm). I totally believe in education for personal or professional gain. Even though this was for a funeral school graduation, I was glad to be able to supportive by "whooping" and clapping for ours and the other honorees. I wish more people understood the accomplishments that people have in achieving graduation. Heck, I even went to some UTMB graduations, so clearly have I to care some about the education to be in that much of that crappy orange and hearing the awful song. Some people even celebrate their child graduating from kindergarten. I love that because it shows that learning is positive and to be achieved.
I did freak myself out though because I said to MandI that I will be thrilled to be invited to her children's graduations and she doesn't have to invite me to their weddings. Yeah...scary to think I trust that we will still be close in many years. I would get to clap for their award of graduation, and if they are like their Pop for their intelligence and most popular! Going to it especially after hearing about some of the battles they endure during their schooling makes it that much more special.
Also I've thought alot about some of my own graduations. On one of the Cottey boards they were talking about a tradition that goes with graduation. A few that didn't graduate ontime with their class didn't get to do that tradition. They have mentioned how it was tough to watch their class walk around campus singing for the last time together. Cottey made that part even more special because other than the few relatives trying to take pictures of it...only freshmen and seniors were really apart of it. It was like a passing of the Cottey senior life which the college administration regonized. We were all in white and no one really cared if you the gold around your neck, the color of your tassle, or the rose you may have held. It is odd talking to almunae who share vast stories of the experience, but their was unity in Graduation. When I finished at Meredith, I just wanted to get the heck out of Raleigh. I attempted doing chalk words with others whose identity should still be protected, but I didn't stay for the Pomp and Circumstance and walk. Can't tell you why I don't regret it, but my diploma was mailed and I had 2wks at The Greens...it was all good! I look so forward to the serious worshipful graduation that I'll have someday when I finish my masters. Being in a seminary graduation is a unique and touching experience because it is so unexpected.
The thing to ponder or more likely correct is how to allow myself to give the trivial parts of weddings and baby showers the same respect as the achievement from the dedication for a graduation.

Do You Clap for Lizards?

The other night the kids in the complex were out really late. It was ok cause they were all getting along pretty much. I spent some time with them, but I was trying to get gma's clothes folded. They hadn't been outside that late, I guess, or at least not on my porch. Well every year that I've lived here, I have had lizards and sometimes frogs on my porch for about five months. The bug light doesn't help them stay away. The kids were so excited that I had these on my porch. Every few minutes they would knock on my door to tell me what the lizards were doing. The excitement and screaming was the loudest when they saw the little frog that often comes out. Of course this scared the frog into my outside closest! After the seeing of the frog, I tried to teach them the BlaUmph song. Then I went in to get popsicles cause everyone was being so great. As I was coming back out, I was told to look "he is going back to his brother." One lizard was traveling to another lizard on the other side of the porch. A couple of the kids were telling "him" he could do it! They quickly had the popsicles, and finally gave me the trash. They rewatched the lizards and started clapping because one met up with the other. They were so happy the "family" was together.
Do we do that? Do I clap and smile with joy because the family is together? Do we clap and encourage families to get together? Should we do more than say encouraging words as families go on long journeys apart and sometimes have parts of light and darkness? Do families always know that the screaming they hear is encouragement?
I still don't like all the lizards as I come in the door, but I am thankful for what they can teach me.

Ducky Survey

So Lestlie has this thing on her MySpace page. I decided to do it also. I was surprised by the results...well not too much but alittle bit. I think I prefer the results from another survey thing that is on my blog.

Oh well...here is this new one. Probably too accurate.