July 4th, 2009

While i haven't actually written this out, i've written in my head many times to help me organize my thoughts, emotions, and intellect about this day. After having dinner last night with my cousins, i have come to realize some of the value in the sharing. For most of the years of being down here, my role has been as a peace maker, strong one, and go between. I basically said that was no long who I had to be when it came to family after g-ma's passing. Perhaps I was wrong to take myself out of that role, but it seemed like best or honestly the most comfortable decision to make. I tend to expect people to take on the responsibilities of their title and place. I was ready to see that again in my cousins.
All year long, I looked ahead and knew that July 4th was falling on a Saturday this year. I was thankful for that because it would allow some cushion time. I decided that I would prepare for the day by not working on the 3rd. Then, I find out the Coopertive Baptist Fellowship Conference will be in Houston. What better way to focus on the goodness of grandma and not the sadness than to be praising God and talking about missions! I was so ready and thankful that God was making this timing be right. I figured out how to take care of Bob and went to the convention.
My patriotic decorations were up. Things had been ordered for parade throws. I had looked through the pictures and been singing the songs, so I was going to be ready for Saturday. Thursday night and Friday at the convention, the time with God was better than amazing. I just wanted to be able to share part of it with people. I felt God's love and presence. No one would have convinced me that I didn't have a 40ft Wall of God's strength to protect me.
Then came Saturday morning...
The day was susposed to be fun with parades, a cook out, and fireworks. Instead, the day swirled in my head and heart with emotions of sadness, confusion, and lonliness. Sadness to not have Gma for her birthday. Confusion for not being with Uncle Stanley for his birthday. Lonliness for not celebrating this birthday day with family...the way it is meant to be. How does one celebrate July 4th without singing Yankee Doodle Dandy and knowing and loving who that song is about? When this comes about next year will it be about celebrating Independence Day or will it be about July 4th to celebrate family birthdays? I don't know when or if ever I've cried and had that large of a headache and had it not be for selfish reasons.
Then last night after dinner with my cousins. I finally get to hear how Pamela is doing in her own words. My tough, Army Vet cousin is admitting to facing the struggle often when she passes places or hears songs. Now we must move on, but I pray that we can learn how to do this together and she allows more moments of vulnerability like last night.