Questions from a Cottey First Year

These questions are posted on the blog of a current Cottey student. I think it is interesting how it kinda applies for me also. I wanted to consider these questions for myself and with how it relates for my days at Cottey also.

What do I want from life? To follow with will of God. Yeah that is the answer I'm susposed to give. I also want to be happy through that following God. I know that God has the best plan for me but trusting that isn't always easy.
What do I hope to achieve before I die? I would like to have a career that God and I are proud of. I would like to see reconciliation with my family. I want the five people that are on my list of people I worry about their salvation to let me know that they have found God.
What kind of an impact am I hoping to make with my presence on this earth? (see above) I want to know that my career has made a difference in children finding and deepening relationships with God. I want more than two people to see past my facade and get to know the real Janna.
Where do I want to be in ten years? If this is God's plan, I want to have my Masters and be working in Nashville or something similar to Lifeway in 10yrs.
Where do I want to be next year? I seriously hope that I do not move again till it is time to move back to seminary after I move at the end of April. Spiritually I would like to be back(or greater) to where I was Feb.7, 2000.
What about this summer, in two months, where do I want to be then? This is a big question for me also since there will be no close friends at my church when most will be moving in May. I need to know what is going to be the best for me mentally, spiritually, financially in the church I am apart of in June. I would LOVE for my church to license me after hearing them offer to do so for an unknown male.
Why did I choose Cottey, and do those reasons still stand today? The reason that I went to Cottey are in another blog. I know I didn't make the friendships that I had hoped to have made during my time there. I also realize that is partly do to my own decisions and personality as well as things I couldn't control. It did help me alot with dealing with relationships with women through learning that there is a greater acceptance level possible. If I could do Cottey over again, I would. I would do it like to do it differently so that I do have the more lasting friendships. But while I don't have that connection in strong relationships to one or two, I do have a connection that I cherish to fellow alums and PEOs.
Have my experiences as a Cottey frosh (baby blue) been enough for me or do I want to stick it out and come back next year (go Ducks!) despite the cost? This was a hard question for me. Sadly not because of the cost but because our class had become so divided over traditions. I also wasn't aure I could belong in my suite since they were such players. Sticking it out was possible because of the events of my calling in April. I knew I was where I belonged despite the struggles. I needed to learn more so I was to stay.
Will a state school be enough for me?Can I get the same education from a state school that I can get at Cottey? Book wise the same information can be obtained, but the smallness of the school allows leaning on such a greater level. Most students hate music appreciation for it is usually a large and boring class for them. For me it was good and I learned since we only had two in the class. Some of the professors took a real interest in the lives of their students. Even the President of the College knows many of the students by first name. When I transferred to another private women's college, I had been a little more prepared than some of my fellow students in some areas. State schools can be good things..it is all about finding a place of belonging. Perhaps we belong and we don't know it.

School Shootings Suck

What can we learn? What can we do to stop it? Why can't we love those who feel the need to rage? What has changed to have yet another occurence of high school shootings?

I really am mainly filled with questions, saddness, and frustration. Then may not have the reasoning that the shooter went to his school to kill his fellow students, but I don't need their contrived reasoning. I know that the reason as we've sucked at showing and offering love. I'm soo included in that also. The Columbine boys really expressed that for us. They didn't understand that love that Cassie had in her. While Cassie was a testimony in her death, perhaps she didn't have enough along side of her in life to show those boys that love is there. I'm not sure how to make myself be loving to others, but I hope that the children I will be blessed to influence will be able to. The news just makes me wanna growl and pray that we learn to love. More importantly that the love is received in the way it was intended to!
This whole thing is thoughts to consider...grrrr!

14 Days from now is Founders

YIKES!!!!! I know that I am happily excited but the fear of it is also setting in. Oh I wish I knew if Florida or Wheatlake people were coming. I think it is very cool to know that most of the Robbie Rec Rats are coming! 10 years later that can truly be a unified front! Having the Rats there will be interesting for our class in participating in some of the traditions. We weren't allowed to know who they were when we were students, but oddily many of us still pretty much knew. Hopefully some of their FOF will be in attendance also as we try to sing louder and more excited than the Class of '90 and '75. The parade should also be fun since it is a new traditon for our class to experience as a class. While I grew much as a person during my years at Cottey, I don't believe that I have that many close friendships. This was partly my own doing because I was in that growing stage and I wasn't sure how to make connections during all the tradition battles. I truly believe that traditions unify a suite the most unless a suite studies together or goes through other things together. The seniors of the suite do much to set the tone of a suite...this is something that applies well to church. If we want closeness in our small groups, we need to be open and work to find ways of inclusion.

Special at Sagemont

This Sunday I was able to attend worship with another church. This was amazing for me because the feeling was so strong of goodness. As I walked through the hall of the children's building, I felt the joy in the crowd. I could hear some crying but I could also hear some calming and loving words being said. There was laugher and encouragement in the ladies restroom. The feeling of being herded in to the sanctuary wasn't pushy or uncomfortable. I arrived about 10mins before the service began so I had a great middle of front seat. The music was dynamic and we sang choruses and hymns. I secretly chuckled as I only knew one of the songs because of the Glowing Heart CD. There was thought put into how we would worship in song, announcements, prayer, offering, singing, listening, and greeting. The flow was great for there weren't long pauses between the different parts and all parts were of equal importance. With the sermon, the pastor warned that the message could be controversial, but I left wanting to fight to be better in my walk with God. After the message I was still confident in the evidence of my Christian growth, but I also was aware of changes that are needed.
Most importantly I left feeling the love of God was there. I know there are problems there, but I also felt some love between the people. One thing that struck me during the service and after was one thought. I didn't focus on who I am not but who I am. Lately, in my church my focus is on how I'm different from so many of the others...sadly sometimes this is added to by their comments about some of the difference.
I don't know where I'll be attending in May, but I am very thankful that God let me have this burst of faith through being in attendance with Sagemont.

Jealous of a Boy

The other day was one of those tough days. I know that in many ways it is wrong for me to say this, but I was kinda jealous of a friend's grandma dying. I'm somewhat ashamed and terrified to admit that. While I've read in many books that this is normal, I feel so wrong for it. My love for my grandmother hasn't changed. And somewhere in my heart I know that her love hasn't changed although she can't express it most of the time. I'm just seeing that it truly is a long goodbye especially when doctors have given us predictors at least three times about how long she will last. Two of those have been certainly wrong! I know that my freind isn't happy that is gma died. However, there is certainly a peace and relief for the family because of it. I pray that when my gma dies I will know the balance so that my mother understands the sorrow mixed with joy.
Above all else though I know that the only reason I could look forward to the death of someone is because they have a better place to go. I know this isn't true for everyone, but my gma had a wonderful relationship with Jesus and she will be seated with God when she gets to Heaven.
Thought I Ponder: What is the way I'll make the day memorable for me despite it not being memorable for her?