July 4th, 2009

While i haven't actually written this out, i've written in my head many times to help me organize my thoughts, emotions, and intellect about this day. After having dinner last night with my cousins, i have come to realize some of the value in the sharing. For most of the years of being down here, my role has been as a peace maker, strong one, and go between. I basically said that was no long who I had to be when it came to family after g-ma's passing. Perhaps I was wrong to take myself out of that role, but it seemed like best or honestly the most comfortable decision to make. I tend to expect people to take on the responsibilities of their title and place. I was ready to see that again in my cousins.
All year long, I looked ahead and knew that July 4th was falling on a Saturday this year. I was thankful for that because it would allow some cushion time. I decided that I would prepare for the day by not working on the 3rd. Then, I find out the Coopertive Baptist Fellowship Conference will be in Houston. What better way to focus on the goodness of grandma and not the sadness than to be praising God and talking about missions! I was so ready and thankful that God was making this timing be right. I figured out how to take care of Bob and went to the convention.
My patriotic decorations were up. Things had been ordered for parade throws. I had looked through the pictures and been singing the songs, so I was going to be ready for Saturday. Thursday night and Friday at the convention, the time with God was better than amazing. I just wanted to be able to share part of it with people. I felt God's love and presence. No one would have convinced me that I didn't have a 40ft Wall of God's strength to protect me.
Then came Saturday morning...
The day was susposed to be fun with parades, a cook out, and fireworks. Instead, the day swirled in my head and heart with emotions of sadness, confusion, and lonliness. Sadness to not have Gma for her birthday. Confusion for not being with Uncle Stanley for his birthday. Lonliness for not celebrating this birthday day with family...the way it is meant to be. How does one celebrate July 4th without singing Yankee Doodle Dandy and knowing and loving who that song is about? When this comes about next year will it be about celebrating Independence Day or will it be about July 4th to celebrate family birthdays? I don't know when or if ever I've cried and had that large of a headache and had it not be for selfish reasons.
Then last night after dinner with my cousins. I finally get to hear how Pamela is doing in her own words. My tough, Army Vet cousin is admitting to facing the struggle often when she passes places or hears songs. Now we must move on, but I pray that we can learn how to do this together and she allows more moments of vulnerability like last night.

Different This Time?

death and health issues where I battle the most at being a good friend. i've really been just trying to give this one to God but sadly His timing sucks alot with this. I honestly can't think of but one breast cancer survivor in my life. I can quickly name four who didn't get to beat it. So here we are again praying for a miracle but the faith is now less than a mustard seed size.
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Please Donate To A Good Cause - Team Denise!

April 20th, 2009

(The following is an email which I sent out today. I am Scared To Death and So Mad about what has been done to me. This is a disease that is “Easily” managed if taken care of in time, but now, because I was mistreated for 9+ months, I am now fighting for my life.)
April 20 2009
My name is Denise. I live in Spring, Texas – about 25 miles north of Houston. I’m 49 years old, single, no children. Three dogs, one cat. I rent my home, I own my truck. I have no partner, no financial assistance… I’m a temp office worker, an Admin, aka secretary, in Houston, Texas; I work Monday – Friday, 8:30 – 5:30. I’m one of the “worker bees”. I pretty much live paycheck-to-paycheck. Like so many others…
I have Family and Friends who I am Blessed to have in my life. I am truly fortunate to have the love, friendship and support of my Family and very good Friends. I have no health insurance.
I’ve been diagnosed with Infiltrating Ductile Carcinoma. An Invasive Breast Cancer. It was mistreated for over a year as a “staph infection”, which allowed the cancer to grow and spread throughout my body – to metastasize. I currently have been diagnosed with metastatic bone cancer and am awaiting the results for metastatic liver cancer. I will be undergoing a head/brain scan to evaluate the possibility of metastatic brain cancer. I am waiting for my official “staging” diagnosis, but am a probable Stage 4 Metastatic Breast Cancer.
My medical outlook is not good. I am trying to maintain a positive mental and emotional outlook, but sometimes it’s difficult.
I’m sending out this email, asking for help. I know things are tough for many people out there, but I’m hoping there will be some who find it in their heart to help me. I Want To Live. I’m keeping a Blog to detail this journey I am on, please “meet” me there - http://teamdenise.org/.
I am documenting the appointments and events which I am going though. I have medical reports, images and information which I am downloading daily. I am keeping an online budget of my expenses. I am keeping an online list of my Doctors and all info regarding my situation, diagnoses and treatments. If you don’t see something that legitimately concerns my situation, check back in a day - I may just not have gotten it online yet. Or you can email me - any questions can be directed to me at denise@teamdenise.org, I will reply as soon as possible.
Please read more about me and my situation here: http://teamdenise.org/about/
Please Help Me Survive. Please consider donating directly to my cause, there’s a “Donate” button located on my front page (http://teamdenise.org/)
Please donate a dollar… heck, if you feel like it, donate a few dollars!
Whether you are able to donate or not, I would appreciate if you could find it in your heart to forward this request on. Hopefully others will be able to spare a few dollars for my cause. Others who might have been affected by this horrible disease - who may have lost someone, who may have fought for someone, who may have survived themselves. Others who are able to help me.
I Want To Live, I Want To Survive, But I Can’t Afford To Do It Alone. So I am reaching out…
Whatever You Do, Please Also Keep Me In Your Prayers.
With Hope and Faith,
denise
denise@teamdenise.org

I didn't cheat!

You Are A: Duck!

Found in many lakes and ponds, ducks are a common site the world over. Known for their famous quack, ducks tend to congregate in flocks or go off on their own in pairs. As a duck, you may seem friendly at times but will not hesitate to bite if someone is bothering you. Your ability to swim and preference for being in crowds are some reasons why you are a duck.

You were almost a: Puppy or a Lamb
You are least like a: Chipmunk or a MouseCute Animals Quiz

Now Open/Closing

(yeah I know overload for posts but my mind has really been spinning lately)

Every Sunday when I drive onto the island, I notice the places that have "NOW OPEN" signs. I also pay attention to the ones that say "for sale" but they don't make me as excited. Today, I was thinking about how more places have their "open" signs, but with that I'm wondering if we are really seeing more of a closed feeling again on the island. As everyone's trash is no longer on the street, doors and fences replaced, wiring for electronics in place, and island activites less promoted, are we being less open and loving to our neighbors? I felt guilty of it when I didn't even say hello to the other person getting gas at the gas station today. Such a simple gesture but I was too wrapped up in myself to be able to say hello. This is NOT what I want for myself or the island.
Yet, in the comfort of my church, I was excited with the hope, love, and care that is there this week. It didn't bother me one time to have to climb around to try to work at my desk. I enjoyed knowing these people had come to help make a difference for Christ on the island through so many different ways. Seeing how much had already been done was such an encouragement. It makes me want to be a better servant of God. Why must it take a mission group to remind me or the additude to have? Those women who were sleeping in my office were tired but very willing to do more and adapt. I love that spirit! I need to help to instill that spirit into others. Now to pray to figure out how.

Breast Cancer SUCKS

I've had three people very special to me that have had to suffer with breast cancer. My friend, Denise, is currently dealing with it. Her doctor want's to cut away part of what identifies her as a beautiful woman. IT sucks! I've been think of her and Martha every day. Tuesday I had to sit in the shower because I was thinking about the loss of Martha so much. God allows women to suffer with this and then still lets them die. GRRRRRRRR.
Maybe we shouldn't examine ourselves because really knowing you have it doesn't really help to survive.

Why I need to be on The Biggest Loser.

Last Saturday, I went and stood in this long line for a crazy amount of time, just to audition for The Biggest Loser. Such an odd thing to be at a point in life to admit. When I found out that they were going to interview in Houston, I began to plan then to go. I had to figure out if I could do it and this VBS training, but since we aren't doing the VBS materials now I could go. The process was long and probably pointless to be in line for all that time and not really see any results from it, but it did help me realize the reasons and what has helped me see that I needed to audition. Now, I should try to figure out how to also submit a recording, but that sound tricky.
Even though I have been fat for most of my life, I haven't had negative feeling about it my entire life. There are many times when I haven't even thought about it. Of course there are those rare exceptions as weell when i didn't participate because of my weight. Oddily, that wasn't at camp doing the ropes course. See, I believe the reason for that is I was so surrounded by love of others and God that I knew nothing that could hold me back. I need the biggest loser to be able to put that love and learning within myself.
Reasons:
1. The group setting with large people all learning about it would be good for me. I know my lack of balance isn't just a weight thing, but it is harder because I feel that is all others can see.
2. Food not being the central part of building community. I know I eat is social setting a whole lot more because it is fun. I can't change this on my own.
3. Doctors don't make much sense and don't seem to really care. This would all me to be with a doctor's care and medical guidance that make sense with my stupid meds.
4. If I don't have the choice, then I'm sure I can learn to live without it. I also can probably learn to cook. I need to learn that I am worth the time and effort that is involved with cooking.
5. There are so many questions and answers about diets and exercises. How wonderful it could be to have something created to fit my needs and likes. It would be great to be able to ask questions without laughter or embarrassment.
6. I would be forced to take care of myself because that is where all focus would be.

Perhaps, someday I'll be abe to figure out how to implement these tools in every day life.

Grace and Mercy

CHORUS:
Grace keeps giving me things I don't deserve
Mercy keeps withholding things I do
Words that seldom fail me
Leave me looking for the words
To express my gratitude

This list keeps getting longer
More than I can count
I thought I could get close to more deserving
Unworthy on my best day
unworthy at my worst
To receive this blessing that You give me freely

CHORUS

You must have Your reason
You must have a plan
You must see some treasure here I'm missing
If I could see myself through Your eyes
It would be easier to breathe
And display Your loving-kindness
to the world around me
*******************************************
Wow, I need to be more like God. I'm really terrible at it lately. Offering grace and mercy has not been apart of me the past two days. Loving people at the core because that is how God intended. I don't always like the path taken, but perhaps they need to have their own ups and downs. I believed that God allows us to have our own. I just need to pray that I to can learn to love with grace and mercy to others when I want to retaliate.

In a List/Survey Mood

I copied this from a friend's blog. The thing said to bold ones that applied.

1. Touched an iceberg
2. Slept under the stars (in and out of a tent)
3. Been a part of a hockey fight
4. Changed a baby's diaper
5. Watched a meteor shower (not really sure but think so)
6. Given more than you can afford to charity (grrrr…yes)
7. Swam with wild dolphins
8. Climbed a mountain (without singing the Sound of Music song)
9. Held a tarantula (but have petted one)
10. Said "I love you" and meant it
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris (does Paris, TX count?)
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Stayed up all night long and watched the sun rise (intentional and unintentional)
15. Seen the Northern lights
16. Gone to a huge sports game
17. Walked the stairs to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
19. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope (crazy but yes many times)
20. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment (more often than I should)
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Bet on a winning horse (does a winning dog count?)
23. Taken a sick day when you're not ill (in school…certainly)
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb?
26. Gone skinny dipping (well chunky dunking a few times)
27. Taken an ice cold shower
28. Had a meaningful conversation with a beggar (homeless yes, beggar if you count kids)
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Ridden a roller coaster
31. Hit a home run
32. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
33. Adopted an accent for fun (best fun in a card game)
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Felt very happy about your life, even for just a moment
36. Loved your job 90% of the time (thankfully has happened a few times in life)
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Watched wild whales
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Gone on a midnight walk on the beach (singing makes it best)
41. Gone sky diving
42. Visited Ireland
43. Survived a Hurricane (more than once, thank-you lord)
44. Visited India
45. Bench-pressed your own weight
46. Milked a cow
47. Alphabetized your personal files
48. Ever worn a superhero costume (yeah for childhood)
49. Sung karaoke
50. Lounged around in bed all day
51. Gone scuba diving
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud (we had a club in girl scouts)
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Done something you should regret, but don't
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business (little lemonade stands don’t count I bet)
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Been in a movie
60. Gone without food for 3 days
61. Made cookies from scratch
62. Won first prize in a costume contest (yeah for the rodeo)
63. Got flowers for no reason (love is always a reason)
64. Been in a combat zone (depends who you listen to)
65. Spoken more than one language fluently
66. Gotten into a fight while attempting to defend someone
67. Bounced a check (thank the banks for protection)
68. Read - and understood - your credit report
69. Recently bought and played with a favorite childhood toy (yeah for Joy’s new interest)
70. Found out something significant about your ancestors
71. Called or written your Congress person (yeah for the Girls State influence)
72. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over (not willingly but that is what God had me do)
73. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
74. Helped an animal give birth
75. Been fired or laid off from a job
76. Won money
77. Broken a bone (but come very close a few times)
78. Ridden a motorcycle (the things we do for boys…doofy)
79. Driven any land vehicle at a speed of greater than 100 mph (not on the motorcycle)
80. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
81. Slept through an entire flight: takeoff, flight, and landing
82. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
83. Eaten sushi
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read The Bible cover to cover (just Genesis to Revelations, not the index and maps)
86. Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about (oddily yes)
87. Gotten someone fired for their actions (I was the boss at the time)
88. Gone back to school (not yet but soon)
89. Changed your name (never officially)
90. Caught a fly in the air with your bare hands
91. Eaten fried green tomatoes
92. Read The Iliad (just parts of)
93. Taught yourself an art from scratch
94. Killed and prepared an animal for eating --NEVER!!!
95. Apologized to someone years after inflicting the hurt
96. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
97. Been elected to public office
98. Thought to yourself that you're living your dream
99. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
100. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you
101. Had a booth at a street fair
102. Dyed your hair
103. Been a DJ
104. Rocked a baby to sleep
105. Dropped a cat from a high place to see if it really lands on all four 106. Raked your carpet
107. Brought out the best in people
108. Brought out the worst in people
109. Worn a mood ring
110. Ridden a horse
111. Carved an animal from a piece of wood or bar of soap
112. Cooked a dish where four people asked for the recipe. (if ice cream counts)
113. Buried a child (just assisted a lot with it)
114. Gone to a Broadway play (musicals yet but not to NYC)
115. Been inside the pyramids
116. Shot a basketball into a basket
117. Danced at a disco
118. Played in a band (loved it in high school and even a semester at COM)
119. Shot a bird
120. Gone to an arboretum
121. Tutored someone
122. Ridden a train
123. Brought an old fad back into style
124. Eaten caviar
125. Let a salesman talk you into something you didn’t need -
126. Ridden a giraffe or elephant – as a child at the circus
127. Published a book
128. Pieced a quilt
129. Lived in a historic place (aren’t they all??)
130. Acted in a play or performed on a stage
131. Asked for a raise
132. Made a hole-in-one (only in mini-golf, Cottey proved I suck at golf)
133. Gone deep sea fishing
134. Gone roller skating (as a child I lived for this)
135. Ran a marathon
136. Learned to surf
137. Invented something
138. Flown first class
139. Spent the night in a 5-star luxury suite (an odd experience for a conservative spender)
140. Flown in a helicopter
141. Visited Africa
142. Sang a solo
143. Gone spelunking
144. Learned how to take a compliment
145. Written a love-story (HA)
146. Seen Michelangelo’s David (only in pictures)
147. Had your portrait painted
148. Written a fan letter
149. Spent the night in something haunted (if I believed in it, I did live in Rosemary Suite)
150. Owned a St. Bernard or Great Dane
151. Ran away
152. Learned to juggle (kinda thanks to Ms Anne)
153. Been a boss
154. Sat on a jury
155. Lied about your weight (but now it is worse and I say the truth)
156. Gone on a diet
157. Found an arrowhead or a gold nugget
158. Written a poem (yes and it was published twice)
159. Carried your lunch in a lunch box
160. Gotten food poisoning
161. Gone on a service, humanitarian or religious mission (depends how this is defined)
162. Hiked the Grand Canyon
163. Sat on a park bench and fed the ducks (usually don’t sit)
164. Gone to the opera (elementary school and to see Jessica)
165. Gotten a letter from someone famous (do emails count?)
166. Worn knickers (aren’t they just short pants?)
167. Ridden in a limousine
168. Attended the Olympics
169. Can hula or waltz
170. Read a half dozen Nancy Drew or Hardy Boys books
171. Been stuck in an elevator
172. Had a revelatory dream
173. Thought you might crash in an airplane
174. Had a song dedicated to you on the radio or at a concert
175. Saved someone’s life
176. Eaten raw whale
177. Know how to tat, smock or do needlepoint
178. Laughed till your side hurt
179. Straddled the equator
180. Taken a photograph of something other than people that is worth framing
181. Gone to a Shakespeare Festival
182. Sent a message in a bottle
183. Spent the night in a hotel
184. Been a cashier (wasn’t my official title, just part of the job)
185. Seen Old Faithful geyser
186. Joined a union
187. Donated blood or plasma
188. Built a camp fire
189. Kept a blog
190. Had hives
191. Worn custom made shoes (but they were my dad’s boots!)
192. Made a PowerPoint presentation
193. Taken a Hunter’s Safety Course
194. Served at a soup kitchen
195. Conquered the Rubik’s cube
196. Know CPR (need to be recertified)
197. Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced
198. Built your own PC from parts
199. Written your own role playing game
200. Been arrested – but stopped on prom night

Coming Out

In an odd sort of way, I feel a little bit like someone who is coming out with telling people about what I’m getting to do now. While I’ve been prepared for this all my life and even told people about that preparation, I am truly being in the position that I fought so hard 15 years ago. Never would I have envisioned the path that my life had taken, but I look back now and see so many of the necessary steps. Sadly, I still don’t know the reasons for some turns, but peace is so real for where I am now.
I am the Children’s Minister at First Baptist Church Galveston. Yes, there is not fear in saying it anymore. I smile when I think about the opportunities and challenges that God will enable me to face. I do still fear so many people/friends not understanding or wanting to understand who I am because of this title now. My friend, Christina, has lived out so many of my thoughts and emotions in her blog the past few years. I do think God allowing me to match up with her again has been positive for my faith and ability in leadership. From her, I know that the love is going to have to come through stronger so people will see the Jesus in me and not all the religious crud that can sometimes seep through.
The acceptance of this ministry was not an easy one. I was asked if I would do it before Hurricane Ike. At that point, I just didn’t know that I had the faith for the confidence or the time. Then Ike’s destruction and Grandma’s death occurred. Somehow I went into an almost autopilot mode. Certainly, I expressed emotion during the next six weeks, but I don’t know what of it was real and what was exhaustion. Reaching out for friendship wasn’t really working for me. Hours upon hours were spent in bed wishing for rest or on the internet grasping for connection. When I realized that I was not functioning well, I requested time off. Based on experience of the last months, I knew that I needed to deal with some areas. I also knew that I couldn’t/wouldn’t do it on my own, so I wrote people from my past who I hoped would pray. I was so disappointed in others that I took every measure I could to protect myself with asking these women who I knew loved me to pray for certain aspects of my life on which needed focus. I went on a personal retreat. One of the biggest things I received from that retreat was God hugs through prayer, songs, scripture, and nature sightings. I hadn’t forgotten that God loves Janna, but I’d lost how He shares that love when his people fail. After the retreat, I can hear people talk about the way people love each other on the island. I can see at work people talking about helping each other. I still in WBS at UBC and my mind can’t focus because I’m thinking about the families on the island. I volunteer in with the baby class and smiled while doing it. It was then that I knew God wanted me to say yes to Pastor Ray to being the Children’s Minister at FBCG. Feeling love, knowing I still have children skills, and recognizing God hadn’t forgotten my acceptance of his call were all things I needed. Another blogger and minister has expressed this very well the past few years that I have been reading his blog, which I found by accident almost. The heart of his blog is about being real in life and ministry that it isn’t about religious mess.
Now, I am embarking upon this God given adventure. I was so excited to be apart of the staff meeting on Friday. Knowing the mission before us and being apart of what is once again a missional church is overly exciting for me. I adore First Baptist Galveston! Being apart of a church staff that wants to see the island know Jesus thrills me. This church is about figuring out how to help many while rebuilding ourselves! We may not be in our sanctuary which has no power. We may not have as many people or the curriculum for everyone yet, but these people are ready to worship and serve! We do have a store in the sanctuary and doctors helping with prescriptions. This is a church that is working to meet the real needs of the island. There may not be parks to play in and meet people, so we will find a new way. Many of our members may not be living in their homes right now, but they will find a way to still be apart of their church. God knows me so well to know that this is what He designed me to be able to do.
I pray that I don’t get timid in telling people who will not understand or will have judgments about this opportunity. As we have people come for the next 2 to 3 years to continue to clean up the island, I pray they see our loving and reaching church. When people talk to me about my church, I pray that I speak of the positives and not the things of struggle for many. As I build and rebuild relationships in Galveston, I pray that they will be true.

10 Things I Can't Control But Would Like To

*or reasons I'm not blogging cause I don't trust it

(in no particular order)

10. The health that God gave me, but I can control the effects.
9. My immediate family and Godly cousin being overly far away and technology not always agreeing to work.
8. The constant changes in the weather making it difficult to plan.
7. My friend's financial situation.
6. The hatred spewed from people around me whether knowingly or no.
5. My automatic nature to be loving and meet needs but not having my hints for real help returned.
4. The salvation of some of those that are on my heart daily.
3. All of my family getting the help they need to heal from Grandma's and possibly other deaths.
2. My friends with children needing some time with their children away from them.
1. The maintenance people not doing their jobs of painting my ugly door and making my tub hold water.

Yep, I know what spiritual warfare is. Is this it or is it a lack of faith and trust? I'm not sure, but I need to figure out how to give it to God so that I can be the woman He created me to be.