Ducky Christmas Finding

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Family Blog connections

I was given the correct address for a family members blog tonight. How wonderful it is to see pictures of family that I haven't seen in almost 15yrs. These are some very God focused people. Little Sheldonroony is getting married! Yep it kinda still makes my head spin. Heck he posted about having champagne on the boat and I'm think this 10yr old better not be having champagne. So sad that we age but have trouble seeing others as too. Although I love the depth that he has and shares. (yes I know that was poor grammar) He also has that artistic streak that someone needed to have. Seeing his skill in pictures really makes me wonder about the whole Nature/Nurture debate. His great grandma is/was an artist. She tried to develop that in me, her grand daughter. He has that nack for patience and the eye for beauty. Yet, the connection isn't through genes. Makes one wonder if God planned that trait to develop again for a reason. hummm... So much wonderment through loss of connection, but still so much aww.
It sadly also makes me desire more contact with Joyce. Yet, I still don't feel safe mentioning that to my family. hummm...pondering that.

OH how I wish David was still down here! I so miss having insightful laughter with him. An odd thing about that is that we almost had the friendship that is asked for below. Granted we didn't talk a regimented amount. This thing makes me chuckle so much cause I have so many boundaries in frienships and possibly romantic relationships as it it. To put time limits places an even higher lack of value to the relationship. What is tough and odd about that is what are the rules going to be in a group setting? Do I need a stop watch for conversations.? If I go to the bathroom or make a phone call is that time subtracted? I'm sort of an organized person, but I don't use a day planner for my conversations of Friendship except with my mentor. Heck...even with her I know that we aren't going to limit each other with news to share, prayers to make, and joys to share. I praise God for these types of friends! Thanks so much to my friends that took the time to develop a relationship with me. I'll thank God for you as a go to bed tonight.
"I appreciate you and I am glad that God has chosen you so that I have a new sister in Him. I hope you are learning to love God and experience his peace and joy.All I can offer you is a plutonic friendship. And I will do so gladly.... if I thijnk that you are 'safe',My whole life I have only felt safe around women when there was no chance of romantic interest evolving. So my best female friends are either significantly older, or someone who liked me, and then I broke her heart, so that we could be 'just friends'. So if you like me or want to be more that just friends don't email me. I am a flirt, and that maybe wrong since I cannot follow through with a commitment. I am bad a drawing lines, and even though I know that spending too much time together is likely to evolve into more than a friendship; I too often choose to spend too much time with the other.But I would propose that we spend no more than 2 hours talking everyother day.So these are my problems. If you think we can be 'just friends then tell me that.
Wishing you all of God's best,"
of course I deleted the name!

Wal~mart Partner

WOW! I know the head of this decision was not a life time resident of Northwest Arkansas. Discrimination has never been apart of what Sam intended for Wal~mart. His family entertains a variety of people and gives attention to others. I spent a few afternoon or weekend hours with his grandkids. Those boys were always respectful of their friends toys, and they weren't cocky about having money. When I returned inmy first year at Cottey, Helen gave me a hug with words of encouragement for living with Carly. This wasn't about hate or differences, but to love and learn the commonalities. She said I could be strong in my faith and strong in my love for Carly. Living this advice has been one of the best growth points to my faith. Even if something is wrong that doesn't mean I should prevent another from their choices.
So with this new Wal~mart decision, I'm thankful that a stand can be made to show non-hate. However, I'm not thrilled that some other discrimination can occur. I don't think that someone should have their product selected for sale just because it is from a certain group. The decision shouldn't be based on if the person is a purple-people eater, but on the merits of the products.
Overall, I'm glad for this decision for Wal~mart. I hope that I don't get lots of emails in my box from people suggesting a Wal~mart boycott. Clearly, I'll just laugh at think.
To Ponder On: Is this the way I would have felt 12 years ago? or more precisely, how would I feel if I didn't love some lesbians? Do I believe this is biblical and what Jesus would want me to believe?

Secrets

I truly hate that life has to have secrets. Generally I keep more to myself than I may need to because I don't know who is there to be trusted. Just because you trust someone with something personal doesn't mean that I trust that person knowing my thoughts/feelings. That website that posts postcards of secrets sometimes reflects how I feel with life. Working to make life beeter is tough and not feeling safe in being able to share with others is tough. I don't even know how to seek advice in some areas of my life right now for I don't know what is safe to share or with who. So secrets usually make relationships stronger for me because I know that the person who knows them values me. Now, I'm not quite sure there is strength there because I don't know that the words are kept.
Maybe I can think of how this relates to my purpose later. If you know how then you can suggest it in email.

NEWS THAT SUCKS

So Dr.Mandi asked me if I knew how long I could be out of seminary. I hadn't even thought about it. I came here because it was God's timing for me to get away from the theft of Amy Labella, have distance from the fundamentalism hatred of the SBC, and to heal from my NAMB experience while showing love to my gma. So now I begin to think about the future and based on her questioning, I look into it. This is the awful news I find:
"Former students who have been out of the seminary for one year or more must file a new application and must re-enter under the latest Catalog."
Certainly doesn't make me feel as though I want to have a purpose to God when I feel life was wasted while in seminary. UGH!

Joyce

I find myself almost having to blog on this. Actually, I've gotten up out of bed to do this. There have been many times in the last few months that I've thought of things to blog. However, tonight I need to talk and at least I know my computer can listen. Granted I'm not sure how much I trust the computer with my thoughts/feelings.
Soooo...who is Joyce?
Well, she is someone I admired for many years of my life. I strived to be smart, helpful, creative, and encouraing like her. Even though she is outwardly beautiful and highly successful, I never felt less than able to become more like her. She always had a smile for me and helped me to feel that I could be all God wanted me to be. That I would find happiness and success in whatever area of work I went in. Because she is accomplished in business and a supporter of all women being educated, I desired for her to cap me when I graduated from Cottey. She disappointed me greatly when she felt she needed to make the decision not to come to my Cottey graduation weekend. Even though I still hurt from this, we kept in contact for about two more years. It wasn't much contact as I was in Raliegh and she has always hated writing emails/letters. We, maybe more so me, stopped communicating. I don't have a reason other than it being hard and awkward. Ever since moving back to Texas in 2000, I have used the computer to try to find her. I attempted way back in 2000 to use numbers that I did have but they weren't able to lead me to her. Although, I've thought of her almost weekly I didn't get the idea to Google her till about three months ago. Boom! Success! I found out how to reach her so I got the courage after about two weeks of holding on to her number. I left messages on her voice mail. This was a tough week for she hadn't called me back. Finally, the next week she called my cell phone while I was working in Richmond. I took some deep breaths and she told me she had been in Canada for business. I told her I'd call her back in the evening after the kids had gone to bed. That night I prayed that God would not allow the connection to go through if I wasn't to be making the phone call. It went through and we talked for about 30minutes. It was sort of a boring/informational phone call, but I think that is all that should have occured. Now I'm taking baby steps for more communication.
She called me yesterday while I was in the car with Mandi. I told her it was fine to talk while in the car with Mandi. My telling her this was also a comfort for me because at the time it felt safer having Mandi next to me in the car. Well, she recommended a book to read. Now, I don't like to read fiction books on a normal basis, but when she told me I should read this book on the NYbestseller list, I knew I was going to check it out. WHAT THE FREAK IS UP WITH THAT? (the wait is 20days for the library...cause I did see if they had it) Sadly, I don't feel that safe feeling that I used to have. I just know I'm too dumb, fat, unmotivated, and boring to be around her now, but I still love her and hate that I haven't known her for the last years.
The hardest part of this for me is that I don't have someone to bounce stuff about my relationship with her off of. I've attempted two people this summer, and neither can seem to get the glimpse of how this effects my head and heart. (I realize I may have to be better about sharing this, but I'm gonna need to have that insight and some understanding mixed in.) When I do get the chance to talk to one of the people again, I do hope that I'll be able to have more clarity for her.
As this computer thing is a public thing, there is of course, stuff I'm not typing in here.
The point to ponders: I really need to figure out how to commuicate or find someone that can lovingly understand some of what I'm feeling/thinking with gaining a relationship now. Is it me that is the problem or is it a mixture? Also, I do have to wonder if I had an intention in contacting Joyce originally.

Where to live.

American Cities That Best Fit You::

65% Atlanta

65% Chicago

60% Las Vegas

55% Miami

50% Austin

Which American Cities Best Fit You?

If only it could tell me why these were the cities that turned up. I know that I will move eventually. How odd is it that Austin is one of the choices. I'm not sure I'd want to live in Hotlanta though. It is just way too close to Alphretta.

Get a Job/Career

It has been plenty of time since I was in seminary. Six years since leaving. Six years since the confusion, doubt, and anger began. God did an amazing thing by getting me to come here to take care of my grandma for these years. There has been high amounts of inner dialogue for me. Sadly, I haven't really had an outlet for the thoughts to process them safely. Yet now I'm considering applying for a staff position at my church. We are hiring for what I totally believe God called me to children's and preschool minister positions. Just gotta start praying about God giving me the strength and trust to apply.

I may put more on this later.

Robbie Rats in Vegas

I'd link you to the pictures, but people have to be a Cottey alumnae to be able to see them!
The Robbie Rec Rats from '85 to '90 met together in Vegas for a fun little reunion. It is clear that they had a great time. It is neat to see and be reminded how bonds are among them even though they weren't all in school at the same time together. About 12 of them are in the pictures connecting like they did 20 yrs ago. Some have changed to be much more conservative in actions (and probably thought) but the bond of the relationships is clear. One of the funniest things is looking at how they sort of dressed similar for the various activities and days of being there. Even though I wasn't an RRR, I cherish the memories I have of them fighting for traditions. I love the moments that I still get to spend with them. I am thankful for the impact of friendships that they have had on my life.

There When You Need Me

"I'm your friend. I'll be there for you when you need me." Isn't it funny how people say this? Oddily, we forget who determines that need. Often, we mean when we think the other needs us. Being willing to be there when it is difficult is when the true friendship arises. Many times in the past couple of years I've had people say that they will be there for me when I need them. The stupid part of that statement is that they are referring to the funeral.
A funeral is just like a wedding...a stupid ceremony. With a wedding the special stuff is the prep time and the cleaning up stuff. A friend doesn't just attend. With a funeral it is the before death help and the clean up after. A friend doesn't just send a card. Supporting a friend in her career is done the consistent encouragement and willingness to listen to the painful times. A friend doesn't just celebrate the finished work.
During my time down here three times stand out to me where the being there for the friend was real. One was a phone call that I received as my friend was driving home. She needed someone to listen to about fun life stuff, so I talked for about 20minutes till she got home to her husband. I was tired and love to share heart things with her, but I needed to be there for her. Another time was when I came into the Tuna House after a crappy day of taking gma to the doctor and dealing with incompetent nurses. I lived with 3 nurses. Thankfully, they were home this night. I told them I needed to be with people and be loved, but I needed them to not talk about their hospital work. I curled up next to them on the couch and we laughed some and they reminded each other to not be medical. The other one was with Rita because I didn't really know what I needed. The offer for someone to go get gas for me with I rested a little more was really being there for me when I didn't even know it.
I'm going to work on making sure I only say this statement when I mean it.

What a Weekend

Lori invited me to join her for the Mardi Gras Fun Run/Walk in Galveston on Saturday. Since I knew I was able to walk 3miles, I said sure. Oh my...to the actual exprience of it. As I'm leaving to head to the island, I called Lori to verify that we were still doing this since it was raining. She said of course! Oh my...exercisers are insane! The fun walk was FREEZING this morning. Walking on the seawall in the rain when there is a wind chill of 39F is a bit stupid! Four layers on top and I was wet down to my skin! I was very surprised that I was able to wring water out of my bra strap. The slow steady rain just soaked right through. I really wanted to stop before we had even gone a mile because my muscles were in pain with the cold. If it hadn't been for the perservance of Lori, I most likely would have said no way. I was jealous of those people walking with Starbucks even though I hate coffee. I want to go walk that same path in normal weather just to see how I would handle it. I know I'm a fat chick, but I know that I can walk a good distance before I want to die. Now, I have to reassure myself of this.
Saturday night I went to do gaming after setting up my Weekend Bible Study class. It was interesting how without even thinking I was able to go into a non-competitive at all costs mode. Normally, when I play games, I look for any edge so that I can win. This night I was learning some of the games and the need to win didn't overpower me. I'm curious how this will impact my future gaming times with the group.
WHOOP! Also got a free printer to donate to the teachers at Sante Fe Middle School.
On Sunday, my 2nd grade Weekend Bible Study class surprised me with some good questions that allowed the Adam and Eve story to not be so repetitive. We talked about what temptation was. It was interesting to see how temptation effected them. I didn't think I could be encouraged in faith with this story, but the discussion with these children reminded me of my own faults of temptation. I hope I don't cheat these children or myself by not giving some solutions on dealing with choice making as we complete the choice discussion next week.

Survival of today...Feb. 8.

It has been 6 yrs since I received the rejection letter from NAMB a day after the acceptance letter. Six years since the organization I had supported and loved questioned my faith. Six years since a month of crying and confusion over specualtion of God's love for me. Six years since I learned to really value my personal relationship with God without thought to other's perceptions.
Today was sort of amazing because I thought about the significance of today when I flipped over the calendar. I prayed right then for strength and for God to help me not think of the past today. God blessed me today through answered prayer. Not until I was driving home from work did I realize again that today way Feb.8th. I think somehow I missed it on the talk shows and news. What a charge for my faith to be reminded that God is love and that he loves me. PFFFFFTTTT to those that negate my relationship with Him. I'm thrilled that God has these wonderful female qualities to help me be the person He has designed me to be.
After I came home for a bit, I was able to have some me time at a lake near here. This was a pleasant time for me to walk around singing praises and stop to read a chapter of a book that is teaching me more about myself. I did not dread today and I'm not saying good bye to this day with tears about failed preceptions and dreams. While I do wish a friend or two could have let me know they were thinking of me today. I'm glad that God let me know that he was thinking about me.

Scary at how much is true

My Five Factor Personality Profile

Extroversion: You have medium extroversion.You're not the life of the party, but you do show up for the party.Sometimes you are full of energy and open to new social experiences.But you also need to hibernate and enjoy your "down time." Conscientiousness: You have medium conscientiousness.You're generally good at balancing work and play.When you need to buckle down, you can usually get tasks done.But you've been known to goof off when you know you can get away with it. Agreeableness: You have medium agreeableness.You're generally a friendly and trusting person.But you also have a healthy dose of cynicism.You get along well with others, as long as they play fair. Neuroticism: You have medium neuroticism.You're generally cool and collected, but sometimes you do panic.Little worries or problems can consume you, draining your energy.Your life is pretty smooth, but there's a few emotional bumps you'd like to get rid of. Openness to experience: Your openness to new experiences is high.In life, you tend to be an early adopter of all new things and ideas.You'll try almost anything interesting, and you're constantly pushing your own limits.A great connoisseir of art and beauty, you can find the positive side of almost anything.

How to Say GoodBye

Do you ever get so frustrated with relationships that you want them to end but can't figure out how to do it?
Well, I'm good at it. Let someone close to you plan to get married. Then let them stop loving you because of who you are. It works really! Only one time has it not worked for me. This one time it didn't work still amazes me.
Seriously, I hold the same views and values during a friendship and then when a friend decides to get married they decide I'm not Christian enough because I don't hold their new views. Shoot this time the intelligence of my wonderful pastor was even called into question. I know married women that are strong women of God with my views, so I know I'm not off the mark and following Satan. To be thrown aside in a relationship allows them the power they claim they don't want.
At least this time it will not hurt as much cause the relationship had already dwindled down to forwards and surveys for the most part. Another bonus is gifts don't have to be purchased when you've been tossed out like garbage for understanding God differently.
There are greys in marriage and church politics. I'm glad that God has shown me Godly people who know how to follow his divine guidance in the bible.

Favorite Show

Odd event as I was reading someone's answer to her favorite television show. One of her answers was Bridezzila. This used to be one of the sweetest persons I knew. She has now become the characters on her favorite show. It is a real shame that occurs to some people.

1st Day with COM Concert Band

I was so nervous today. Not only was it like the first day of school in my mind, but it also was a time when my skills would be put forth. Certainly when one hasn't practiced the clarinet in 10 years, she loses lots of skills that she once had. It could make me sad that I can no longer read sheet music and quickly rip through the notes, but I keep being encouraged that it will come back. One thing I found semi-sad it that my lack of rhythm is holding true still. The songs we've been given to play are evidence that I truly need to develop stronger counting skills. Yet, I still feel somewhat optimistic even though I am certainly the least skilled clarinet player in the bunch. Perhaps as I am able to practice this upcoming week, I will gain confidence again in what is possible to do.
I was meant to be with others and I enjoy playing music with others. While I am afraid of failing at this, I'm currently thankful that Jay asked me to join. I do hope even better things come out of this experience.

NOBTS Rebirth

What great excitement I have in knowing that NOBTS will be having classes on campus starting this Monday! PRAISE THE LORD! I am amazed at how the people of God have supported this educational beacon of light to be rebirthed. In honor of the superb man that is the President of this seminary, I say that wonderful hebrew expression "WOW GOD!" for the speed and generosity in this process. Most of all the heart that has been expressed throughout the blogs of faculty and staff of this amazing campus brings joyful tears to the readers eyes. To know the hardship of ministry is one thing. To live over again and still do what one is called to do is a true testimony. I truly wish I could be on that campus Monday and Tuesday as y'all celebrate all that God has been able to do to get you back leading the leaders.

USC lost to burnt orange

I stayed up tonight for this sad news. UGH UGH UGH. Why couldn't USC have won this game? What an awful thing to have seen! My eye are for the state of Texas not for the tacky school in Austin. Blood should run maroon not orange.
Wrongness!

Jazper News

So Wednesday and Thursday, I keep wondering if I should call up to Bentonville to find out the results of Jazper's growth test. He had a growth on his eye that was removed during Christmas week. Thursday evening after getting Bob and Sally, my mother calls to tell me the news. Jazper does have cancer. I had started to prepare myself mentally for this news when the doctor spoke of the possibilty. My head wasn't ready for the amount of tears that would flow from my eyes. When the test was being sent off, the doctor said that if it was cancer the avgerage life continuance was 2-6mths. My dad is going to pay attention to signs of pain and inactivity to know when the time has come to put Jazper to sleep for good. Who coined that dumb phrase? Jazper will be killed by the vet so that he will not suffer any more. (pets we willingly do this out of love and people we question it? we are a mixed up world.)
Out of all the dogs we had growing up Jazper was totally my choice. His birthday is Sept.26, 1991. I picked him out of his litter, and I may have picked the runt of the bunch. Getting him helped me to find enjoyment about moving to Arkansas. Everyday afterschool I let him into the house with me even though I was only susposed to on really cold days. I would drive by the side of the house just to yell I love you to him when we were going somewhere. When shedding was a problem, I sat with him at the picnic table to brush him and talk to him. After he was hit by a car and came home from surgery, we pulled out the trundle bed so I could sleep next to him during the night. My grandma on my dad's side has done two oil paintings of him. Even though I haven't been able to spend lot of time with him since moving down here, I cherish him very much. When it is time for him to go, I hope the saddness doesn't hurt so much.
I'll post a picture later!